


In the Shadow of Moonlight

by satans_kitten



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Kira Wins (Death Note), Amane Misa Deserves Better, Angst, Bottom L (Death Note), But my version of her deserving better is pretty messed up uh just warning you, Conditioning, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dubious Consent, Enemies to Lovers, F/M, Is this too many tags sorry idk what im doing, Kidnapping, M/M, Master/Pet, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, Stockholm Syndrome, These kids need therapists, Top Yagami Light, Torture, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Violence, Yagami Light Being an Asshole
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:48:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 11
Words: 44,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27834070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/satans_kitten/pseuds/satans_kitten
Summary: Killing L would be such a waste. Light captures the object of his obsession, and resolves to make him love him.“I will shatter your beautiful mind into a thousand pieces and put it back together just the way I like.”Misa helps, driven by revenge.//////Heads up -- Light x L drives the plot, but it is not the only pairing present.
Relationships: Amane Misa/L, Amane Misa/L/Yagami Light, Amane Misa/Yagami Light, L/Yagami Light
Comments: 73
Kudos: 192





	1. The Bells

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More detailed story description at the end of this chapter.

In a quiet, wooded meadow, L watched a small bird effortlessly flutter between a tangled web of tree branches. It was unlike any bird he had ever seen before, with a dark blue head and wings, but a vibrant, scarlet chest and back. It abruptly darted off into the sky, into the setting sun. L distantly recalled that one of the children he grew up with in the orphanage was into bird-watching… She would have really liked that little guy, and probably would have drawn his picture.

Despite the circumstances, L couldn’t help but appreciate his surroundings, deep in the woods far from Tokyo. Having spent most of his adult life holed up in dimly-lit rooms and staring at monitors and poring over evidence, he didn’t get outside very often, much less outside of the city and into nature. The air felt clean and crisp. He inhaled deeply and appreciated the distinct scent of autumn – that oddly pleasant, earthy smell of decaying leaves.

The smell triggered a jarringly vivid memory of playing in the woods outside Wammy’s house on his 10th birthday. L’s chest tightened with nostalgia.

A leaf fell from a tree, briefly floating in front of his face before landing on the ground in front of him. Most of the trees were already bare. This leaf was a stubborn one that had held on until the very end. He stared at the reddish-orange autumn leaf, a beautiful thing, although... It was dead. Fall is the season of death. And death is inevitable for everything and everyone. Even for him.

Was that a bell he could hear ringing…?

L began to suspect that his fate would take a turn for the worse when Light touched that strange, otherworldly notebook that the Task Force had confiscated from the Yotsuba executive, Higuchi. (Light… The brilliant boy who he had lived and worked with for 3 months, who he had truly begun to think of as a friend… His first friend… And didn’t that make him his _best_ friend?)

After finding the notebook of death, he suddenly began acting strangely. L couldn’t quite put his finger on it. And it wasn’t just Light that gave him a bad feeling. After that night, L had felt that something terrible was about to happen. He wasn’t superstitious – he didn’t presume that he had some sort of future sight. Rather, he just believed that his talent and practice in the skills of insight, perception, and pattern recognition meant that at at times, he simply _felt_ that something was about to happen before he understood it logically.

He smiled to himself and chewed on his thumb, thinking, _Well, that isn’t really any different from superstition, is it?_

It had only taken a couple of days for his suspicions to be confirmed.

* * *

It had happened one month ago, when he was discussing with the task force how they would disprove the 13 day rule. Suddenly the computer screens had flashed “ALL DATA DELETED,” which could only mean one thing: Watari was dead. They discovered his dead body in the same room as a pile of dust which could only have been the remains of the shinigami Rem.

The death of Watari had hindered L’s plans in more ways than one. For one thing, he had felt a great weight upon his heart that made it difficult to do much of anything. Quillsh Wammy had been like a father to L ever since he lost his parents at the age of 8. He nurtured and cared for L, supported and encouraged him, and most of all... He listened. L never had been good at talking to people (as a child, he was downright afraid of other people), but Quillsh had a way of making him feel comfortable and even confident.

Of course L knew that the old man would die one day… But it still broke his heart. Especially for it to have happened like this.

After the funeral, L thought and thought about the circumstances of Watari’s death. Why had he been killed when he had? Why by the shinigami herself? Killing him had apparently led to her death, by some paranormal force that he didn’t understand. So why had she done it? Was it possible that she didn’t know she would die?

No. The timing. His mind ran in circles, always coming back to thinking about **when** exactly it had happened. Watari was killed right before he could contact heads of state to coordinate their plan to test the 13 day rule. That couldn’t have been a coincidence. If they had successfully tested the 13 day rule and found that it was false, then it would prove that Misa was Kira without a doubt. So could the shinigami have sacrificed herself … To protect Misa? It was a crazy idea, L knew. Why would a god of death do something like that? But it was the only explanation that made any sense! Why else wouldn’t she have killed him sooner, if she was planning on doing so? And so, L had doubled down on his accusations of Misa, explaining his theory to the task force. Predictably, they all thought it was a completely insane idea, and suggested that L wasn’t “feeling well,” and maybe he should take a vacation to recover from the loss of Watari.

But L did not care what they thought. His grief had become anger, and he felt a gnawing, inexplicable sensation that he was running out of time. Besides, when he had a hunch, he was never wrong. _(_ _C_ _ould it be that yo_ _u just_ _can’t_ _admit when you’re wrong?_ A voice in his head had said, and he had silenced it). And so, he resolved to test the 13 day rule with or without the support of the Task Force.

However, he quickly learned that the absence of Watari made his life difficult in other ways. Because of L’s commitment to secrecy regarding his identity, Watari had always handled all of the communication, all the logistics, all of the – details. L hadn’t the faintest idea how to contact heads of state! Watari’s computer had been purged of all information on how he did those sorts of things. And even if he did somehow find the contact information for the _P_ _resident of the United States,_ what was he going to do? Just say, “Hello this is L, I need you to let me kill some of your death row inmates,” and expect the man to say “Sure, stranger!”

He spent days poring through Watari’s paper records to discover how to prove his identity as L without Watari ( _Dammit Wammy, why didn’t you ever discuss this with me?)_ He found how to do it, but it was going to take _weeks_ of bureaucracy.

Unfortunately, it turned out that L didn’t have that much time.

* * *

Yesterday, L had received a typed letter with no return address. The paper was clearly not from the notebook (this had been L’s first thought). It felt like standard printer paper. It had read:

> L, this is Kira. To prove my identity, look outside your window at 13:00 this afternoon. A man will die of a heart attack on the street corner towards the west.
> 
> I have simple instructions for you. Come to the coordinates written below.
> 
> Be there at 17:00 tomorrow.
> 
> Come alone.
> 
> If you do not do as I say, the individuals listed on the back of this sheet of paper will die.
> 
> Their deaths will be slow and painful.

At the bottom of the page was the coordinates for the specific spot he was standing in, now, at 17:00. And on the back of the page… The list had immediately made L sick to his stomach when he read it:

> Aizawa Shuichi. Aizawa Eriko. Aizawa Yumi. Matsuda Touta. Mogi Kanzou. Yagami Light. Yagami Sayu. Yagami Souichirou. Yagami Sachiko.

L had been so enraged that he had spoken to the paper as if it could hear him. “You heartless bastard! Threatening not only the entire task force, but also their wives and children. They have nothing to do with any of this!”

At least the absence of L’s name on this list meant that Kira still didn’t know L’s name. Of course, L knew that he didn’t. If he did, then he would already be dead. That must be why he was threatening him to come here alone. So he could kill him by more ‘direct’ means. But.. No.. that didn’t make sense either. It didn’t fit L’s profile of Kira to kill without the Death Note. He was 90% certain that the killer was filled with too much pride and cowardice to use conventional weapons, or get any actual blood on his hands. And if Kira was Light, which was a possibility that L still hadn’t ruled out even with the 13-day rule, his confidence in that fact rose to 99%.

So why the _**hell**_ was he here?? Why did Kira make him take a 1 hour bullet train ride, followed by 1 hour on a local line, followed by a _bus,_ and then finally a 2 hour hike into the middle of _nowhere?!_ His feet ached. He hadn’t so much as seen a house for miles.. And for Japan, that was unusual.

Signal out here was spotty, too. No chance of sending a photo of whoever arrives to the Task Force. Little chance of calling for help. _Such actions would likely put everyone in danger, anyway._

L heard the rhythmic crunching of leaves in the distance. _Footsteps._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Long time lurker, first time writer. I’m not positive I’ve tagged the story correctly, so I wanted to write an author’s note just to make super duper sure I am adequately warning readers. I don't want anyone to feel like anything was sprung on them unexpectedly. This fic is going to contain some very disturbing material. Please read at your own risk.
> 
> Look. I won’t beat around the bush. This fic is torture porn. It also has a lot of psychological character introspection, and some sex! It is about Light and Misa slowly, SLOWLY, methodically torturing L in order to drive him mad and induce Stockholm Syndrome. The idea is that Misa harms L physically and subsequently Light "cares for" him (and subtly tortures him psychologically). Rinse and repeat, thus making L slowly grow dependent on Light. 
> 
> There will be graphic, explicit depictions of the following:
> 
> Abuse  
> Kidnapping  
> Torture (psychological as well as physical)  
> Brainwashing/psychological conditioning  
> Stockholm Syndrome  
> Depictions of PTSD  
> Coping with mental illness in all the wrong ways!  
> Dub-con or non-con (I think that some people would describe the *eventual* (remember, slow burn) Light x L sex scenes that I have planned as dub-con and some would describe it as non-con. There will also be Light x Misa scenes that toe the line. So I’d rather err on the side of caution and just tell you it’s non-con which is why it is flagged as such.)  
> Consensual sex that is nonetheless pretty violent
> 
> Now that that's out of the way: If you're still reading and you're still interested, I hope you enjoy this crazy story that's been bouncing around in my head for honestly quite a long time! The entire fic is very roughly planned and outlined to the end, so I feel pretty confident in myself that I *will* finish it eventually... Eveeentually... It'll be a long one!


	2. To Scratch the Itch

Sota and Haruto were residents of Kyoto, and they didn’t know each other. As shut-ins, they didn’t really know hardly anyone. But today, they were bound by a common purpose. That purpose was communicated through the tingling sensation that nagged at their mind. It wouldn’t let go, wouldn’t let up. They had an important job to do. Very important. So, so, so important. They felt – _no, they_ _ **knew**_ _\--_ that they would _die_ if they didn’t do it. This thing. Right now. Now.

 _ **He takes the Northbound 13:00 Shinkansen, disembarking at Nagoya**_ _ **,**_ wrote the entity upon their brain.

They didn’t know why. They didn’t need to know. The compulsion was clear and unambiguous. And just as a person does not presume that they can change the past, the thought of acting against their future would never even occur to them.

Haruto had arrived at Sato’s house in the morning. A package had arrived shortly thereafter with chloroform, rope, and two bulletproof vests. They both knew exactly what it was for. For the man they would encounter in the woods. They didn’t know who he was. They didn’t know where he was. They didn’t know where they would be taking him once they found him; they just _… they kn_ _ew that they would know._

_**He transfers to the Meitetsu-Limited line, riding for 10 stops.** _

All they had to do was scratch the itch within their minds. If they did that, then they knew they were doing what they were going to do.

* * *

L looked in the direction of the sound of the footsteps. He could make out two distant figures in the tangled web of trees. His stomach tightened. _Is that Kira? And the second Kira?_ _It…_ _It_ _doesn’t look like Light._ He had to admit that he felt some relief in that thought.

However, he still couldn’t dismiss the possibility that Light was Kira. He remembered from his recent study of the notebook that Kira can control the actions of his victims before killing them. So, these two may not necessarily be Kira, but rather… Mind controlled puppets? What a creepy thought.

“What do you want?” L spoke loudly, but not aggressively. He didn’t yet know that these men meant him harm.

Haruto and Sato felt the urge to scratch again: _**He does not speak to the man in the woods,**_ _ **unless.…**_ _ **..**_

The two men said nothing. They only continued to approach L. As they got closer, L could tell that they were tall and relatively fit.

L spoke again, not allowing his creeping panic to show in his voice, “Who are you? Who sent you?” 

At this point, L could see their faces. They were expressionless, with blank and unfocused eyes.

 _I estimate the probability that they are being controlled by the Death Note at 98%,_ L thought. The rules of the Death Note stated that a person could be compelled to do anything before their death, as long as those actions were not impossible or required knowledge that the person did not possess. But that was fairly broad and left a lot of room for interpretation. Could people under the influence of the notebook be reasoned with? Probably not… Did they at least have a survival instinct?

And what were they going to do with him, anyway?

 _Wait a moment,_ L thought, _Could these men have been instructed to… to kill me?_ L considered this possibility and quickly ruled it out. If it were possible to compel a person to kill another person with the Death Note, then L would have been killed a long time ago. Kira could have simply written, “Matsuda Touta kills L.” Since that had never happened, L deduced that it was impossible.

However… these guys did not exactly look friendly. Perhaps they still intended to injure him. That was not outside the realm of possibility. And so, he prepared for a fight.

L brandished the gun that he had lifted from an evidence locker in the wee hours of the morning. Not strictly legal, and not something he would normally do, but what did Kira expect? For him to just show up, defenseless? L wasn’t stupid. He pointed the gun at the men who were now only about 50 feet away.

“Stop and put your hands up! I will shoot!”

Suddenly, the men ran apart from one another, flanking L on either side. L pointed the gun towards the one now on his left and fired two shots. The loud **bang** echoed between the trees. Birds fled.

Both of L’s shots missed. _**Fuck,** _ L thought, _I don’t know how to fire a gun; what was I thinking?_

The men did not miss a beat, eerily unperturbed by the loud noise bringing attention to their position. They quickly advanced on L from both sides. Adapting immediately, L dropped the gun and crouched into a defensive stance he had practiced in his martial arts training.

But when the gun hit the ground, it fired on its own, and with the angle it was pointing in, it happened to barely graze Sato’s leg. He screamed in pain, stumbling.

Seeing an opening, L took advantage of his lucky shot and hooked his leg underneath Sato’s ankle, tripping the man and sending him tumbling into the leaves. L heard the other man’s feet crunching in the leaves just behind him. L deftly stepped to the side, dodging Haruto’s lunge from behind. This caused Haruto to lose his balance, and so L pivoted to position himself behind, shoving the man on top of his accomplice.

Haruto and Sato twitched as they felt the mind-itch continue from where it had left off: _**…**_ _ **.**_ _ **Unless he is unable to capture the man. In this case, he will say:**_

The two men spoke in perfect, monotonous, unison.

“Come with us. Or they will all die. He is waiting for you.”

* * *

L woke up in an empty concrete room with no windows. A single florescent light flickered.

He felt groggy. Had he been asleep? He racked his mind for the last thing that he remembered. He tensed.

_The woods. Those two men._

After their threat, L had given in. He said he would follow them. They had stood up with some effort, and then covered his face with something…

And now he was here. Where was here?

He sat up and then tried to stand, but was yanked back down. His mind was so foggy that he didn’t notice until now that his hands were cuffed behind him, and then attached to a chain that was bolted into the wall. He had enough range of movement to lie horizontally, sit, or crouch. That was all.

His mind began racing, trying to pierce through the thick muck that filled his brain. He must have been heavily drugged. He took a look around, and saw absolutely nothing in this room except two heavy steel doors that were well out of his reach, and the bright light in the ceiling. When he looked at the light, his head pounded. He had an urge to bury his face in his hands, but due to the cuffs he could not.

Although he didn’t know where the camera was yet, he was 98% certain that Kira had wiretapped the room. So he decided to get his attention.

He spoke through gritted teeth through his migraine, “So this was your plan, _really_? To imprison me? Show yourself, Kira!”

* * *

L’s outburst went unheard. Light was not there. After hearing the gunshots, he didn’t plan on visiting L for the first time for a full two weeks, until he was absolutely certain that it was safe. He had planned to give it a few days anyway, but he needed to be extraordinarily cautious now. It was a good thing he gave himself an overly-generous timeframe when writing Haruto and Sato’s names and instructions. They were fated to care for the imprisoned L for 21 days before returning home, where they would kill themselves.

At the time of the meetup, Light had been hiding about a half mile away from the rendezvous spot, in an equally secluded location, listening. He knew it was likely that L would bring a gun, which is why he used a 3rd criminal to send bulletproof vests to the two men who he used to capture L. However, L must have deduced that their chests were protected and he must have been a better shot than Light anticipated, because he had heard 3 gunshots followed by a scream of pain.

That was _not_ good. The sound of gunshots carried. The people in the nearest town might have heard. Then they could possibly find blood and follow the trail to the house… He could not risk some bored small town cops sticking their noses where they didn’t belong.

Ryuk had chuckled, saying, “Uh oh! You’re going to get caught now, huh? I told you this whole ‘capture L’ plot was stupid!” He continued cackling.

“Shut up, Ryuk,” Light growled. “Yeah, he’s a crafty bastard. I knew he would put up a fight. But it’ll be alright. I made sure to prepare for every contingency.”

Ryuk cocked his head like a dog, “Oh? What do you mean?”

Light admitted only to himself, this part he hadn’t really planned ahead for. Mostly because he had hoped he wouldn’t have to. But that damn L just _had_ to draw attention to himself…

Light sighed and said, “The local police deputy will come out here to investigate, and find nothing but some used firecrackers.” He pulled said used fireworks out of his backpack. “He will conclude that the noise was nothing more than the antics of some kids, and he’ll tell the town there’s nothing to worry about.”

Ryuk thought about this for a moment before replying, “But… how do you know he’ll find the fireworks before he finds your murder house, your creepy _cabin in the woods?”_ He said this last phrase with gleeful air-quotes.

Light rolled his eyes. Ryuk watched a lot of stupid slasher movies when he was bored.

“I will ensure that it happens,” Light replied, taking out the Death Note and clicking his pen.

Ryuk gasped theatrically, reveling in the drama of it all, “Really, Lighto? You’re going to kill an innocent small town sheriff just to make sure you don’t get caught? All this for L? Why didn’t you just have Rem kill him along with Watari, wouldn’t it have been simpl--”

“Ryuk.” Light interrupted. He twirled the pen in his hand and spoke with a low, breathless intensity that Ryuk didn’t understand in the slightest. “I will do whatever it takes to have L. **I** **n** **eed him.”**

Ryuk was well and truly confused now. “….What …. do you _need_ L for?”

Light glared at the shinigami. For all of his human mannerisms, he really wasn’t one.

“I wouldn’t expect you to understand.”


	3. Broken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Exploration of the effects of PTSD as well as a panic attack. 
> 
> Before this chapter, please read this introduction to explain Misa's characterization in this fic. 
> 
> Misa will be “out of character” in this fic. This is because I personally feel that the writing for her character didn’t make very much sense after she goes into confinement under suspicion of being the Second Kira. She is literally *tortured* for 53 days: confined, blindfolded, not able to move, deprived of water, and L straight up tells Watari to "do whatever you need to. Just make her talk." (y i k e s that line leaves some room for nasty interpretation, doesn't it?!) Light is confined too, but he isn't immobilized nor blindfolded and he has free access to a bed and a toilet. 
> 
> After all of this, Misa isn’t allowed to leave the building where the guy who tortured her lives, and her boyfriend (who also doesn't treat her well) befriends him whilst being chained to him.
> 
> That would be traumatizing and invalidating for anyone to go through, much less a 19 year old. But this is never addressed and Misa’s personality/behavior does not change. Being a remorseless murderer doesn’t make you immune to the effects of PTSD….. (and she didn't even have her memories of being a murderer for most of the confinement, anyway). 
> 
> So, in my story, Misa will behave as I think a person who experienced this kind of trauma would. This is not to say that I am providing an accurate portrayal of PTSD. 1) it works a little differently for everyone and 2) I am not a psychologist lol. And this is certainly not to say that her coping mechanisms are going to be remotely healthy. Oh, no no no no. It shall be quite the contrary.
> 
> Another small change: As a result of this, Misa refused to help with with Yotsuba investigation and so Rem never had a need to reveal herself to Misa while she was memory-less. So Misa did not know that Light was Kira until she retrieved her own notebook. (This isn't very consequential, but one part of the chapter might be confusing without this context).

After Light returned to his and Misa’s apartment in Tokyo that night, there was only one thing on his mind. Check on L. He rushed to the bedroom, passing Misa in the living room without a word.

Ryuk fluttered over to Misa, excitedly informing her, “The plan worked! He’s got L.”

“Hm. Good for him.” Misa replied flatly, not showing an ounce of emotion. She swirled the ice in her drink and took a leisurely sip. She gave Ryuk a long hard stare, as if to say _Well? Were you expecting a show?_

Ryuk got the message. He fluttered off to watch Light instead. Ryuk hadn’t gotten much time to get to know Misa before the memory loss shenanigans, but… Even still, he could tell that she seemed different now. More boring.

However, despite her cool exterior, Misa’s mind was racing. It was replaying Ryuk’s words on repeat like a broken record. _The plan worked. He’s got L. He’s got L. L, L, L, L, L, **L, L, L, L, L, L,** **L, L-**_

These racing thoughts didn’t come close to reaching the surface. Misa had practice with that. The 20-year old ex pop idol stared at the ceiling blankly, not moving from the couch. She wore nothing but an oversized stained t-shirt that was overdue for a wash. Her matted hair was tied in a bun and had been for days. Or longer? She couldn’t remember. She vaguely recalled a version of herself who would have put on a full face of makeup and greeted Light at the door in expensive lingerie, like some sort of attention-starved puppy. That person seemed like a stranger. She didn’t have the energy for that kind of thing anymore.

Not after .. After everything.

Misa lost herself to memories.

* * *

The confinement. The sensory deprivation. The immobilization. The hunger and thirst. The needles, the sharp instruments, the smell of her own blood and body odor. The mind games. The feeling of being watched.

She had begged for death after 3 days. But for 2 months, it continued.

On the couch in the present moment, she sipped her vodka cran. She drank a lot of the stuff. Vodka so she could sleep at least a few hours every night, and cranberry juice... She now had a mild phobia of using the bathroom and had a bad habit of holding it in. All thanks to the greatest motherfucking detective in the world, who had watched and calmly told her to _stop resisting, Amane-san_ over the intercom while she was roughly undressed and placed upon a toilet by some other strange man. _(I’m sorry ma’am, just following orders)_

Past blending with present, she wondered then and she wondered now, if L jerked himself off to it at night.

Oh well. All things, good and bad, come to an end. Even after enduring neverending torment for 2 months, Misa had thought she was going to be ok. She had watched her parents get murdered, and she herself was almost killed by a stalker, and she was _fine_ after all that. She was tough. She was feeling hopeful when she was finally released.

But the hope hadn’t lasted long. Because she wasn’t really released, was she? After all that, L decided to torment her in a new way. She was told that she was to remain within the walls of the task force HQ, under constant surveillance by none other than the detective who had done **all of** **that** to her… And just to add insult to injury, Light agreed to be handcuffed 24/7 to the very same detective.

Somehow, this was just as bad as the cruel and inhumane punishment she suffered in the holding cell. Just like the torture, she couldn’t escape it. Her own boyfriend consented to spending every waking _and **sleeping** _moment with the man who had damaged her. And Light…. He had the nerve, the absolute selfishness, to add salt to the wound and _develop feelings for him, L._ She could tell. She wasn’t stupid. In fact, when it came to picking up on people’s feelings, Misa was very sharp. Her Light was literally in _love_ with the man who had ordered violence and abuse upon her for 53 days.

And that is what broke her. Because being tortured by your enemy is one thing. But to be hurt so badly by the man you love...

Misa would be enraged if it wasn’t all so **fucking** exhausting.

(A voice in her head interjects in her memories, _How can you blame him? You never told him what L did to you. You never told anyone._ She ignores it.)

So no, Amane Misa didn’t have the energy to be Misa-Misa the pop star or Misa the doting girlfriend anymore. She had quit both of those jobs. She never contacted her agents after getting out of prison and ignored their calls. And she wanted nothing to do with the Kira investigation. Light had once tried to get her to help capture the Yotsuba Kira, but she had told him to fuck off: _"Surely your precious L can figure it out! He’s just **so** brilliant, isn’t he??!" _

But what she really did not understand was that a part of her heart never stopped aching for Light to love her. At the time of the Yotsuba investigation, she could not for the life of her remember why she was so attached to Light. All rational parts of her mind told her that it made no sense. She couldn’t so much as remember how they met! He obviously didn’t care about her. And he hurt her so, for falling in love with L of all people, at a time when she was at her most vulnerable. But … Without him, _who_ did she have? And without the lingering remnants love in her heart, _what_ did she have? She couldn’t think of an answer.

(The voice speaks over her memories once again, more viciously this time, _~~Light~~ KIRA likes you better this way, anyway. Who else would put up with you like this? You filth. How could you ever have anyone better?_)

Finally, Light and L had captured the Yotsuba Kira without her help. She didn’t care to learn how they’d done it. A sleazy man named Higuchi. Misa vaguely remembered her agent almost setting her up with his company to do commercials.

Due to the 13-day rule written into the confiscated notebook, Misa was finally allowed to leave the building on her own, 5 long months after her initial imprisonment. But before she left Task Force headquarters, Light had intercepted her at the door and behaved … strangely. He had embraced her and apologized for how he’d been treating her.

He had said, _"Misa, I remembered why I loved you. I'm so sorry that I forgot. I need you to do something for me."_

She recalled thinking that it was strange phrasing – And she had briefly considered asking him why she should do anything for him, but then she had thought _Something about him is different._ And that 'something' made that tiny part of Misa’s heart leap. The part that could still love. She listened carefully as he gave her the insane, surreal instruction to go dig up a notebook in the woods, _“but don’t kill the person the letter tells you to kill… There’s been a change of plans.”_

When Misa got her memories of the Death Note back, for a moment she had thought _This is it! This is the missing piece, this will make me **me** again! _For a moment, a beautiful moment, she felt like her old self again. Optimistic, outgoing, _happy._ It wasn’t just memories flooding back, but also emotions. She remembered why she and Light were together! She was _Kira’s_ girlfriend! The man who had avenged her parents’ death! ( _The man who would kill L!)_ She was helping him make a better world!

But as soon as she saw Light again, her hopes came crashing down. She saw the way he _still_ looked at L. She put the pieces together. He had changed his mind about killing L. He loved him; not her. Even with his memories back, absolutely nothing had changed. Quite the contrary: Light’s feelings towards L had only grown _more_ intense since he remembered that he was Kira.

But of course they had. That made sense, didn’t it?

Perhaps he, just like her, didn’t remember why he was so obsessed with the object of his affection. But after touching the notebook, it clicked.

* * *

In the bedroom, Light pulled up the camera feed that he had securely connected to his personal laptop. He half expected to see an empty room, thinking that L had _somehow_ found a way to escape in his first day of confinement. He wouldn’t put it past him.

But when the camera feed loaded, a wide, manic smile spread across Light’s face. _Oh my god... He’s right there... L! I’ve got you!_ L had not woken up yet. Light stared and stared. L wasn’t doing anything, but he was still just… Such an enthralling sight. His even breathing. His messy, disheveled hair. The chains preventing him from running away.

Light stared quietly at L’s still form on the camera feed. He lost track of time. Eventually, L stirred and Light jumped with interest. L opened his wide, dark eyes and looked around the room. He tried to stand up but was pulled down by the chains. He groaned in pain and shouted toward the camera, “So this was your plan, _really_? To imprison me? Show yourself, Kira!”

Light could not restrain his reaction. He ran his hand through his hair and began to giggle. It escalated, spilling over into loud, uncontrolled, unhinged laughter. _**Finally, I’ve won…!**_

Meanwhile, in the living room, the sound of _Kira’s_ laughter piqued Misa’s interest. With great effort as if she had just run a marathon (which is how she felt pretty much all the time), Misa got up off the couch and stood outside the room, listening.

The laughter subsided, but in his excitement, Light started speaking his rambling, unhinged thoughts aloud. “You’ll _never_ get away. I won’t let you. You’re mine now. My prize. My pet. Mine, mine, MINE , forever. And one day, one day...” a small laugh , “you will be _grateful_. You’ll kiss my feet, you’ll beg to touch me.” Light lost himself and let out a quiet groan.

Misa’s ear was pressed to the bedroom door. Her eyes were wide. She … she felt … _something_.

Kira continued, “Oh, my L… My precious little detective... You came so close, but you just weren’t quite good enough… But you were _almost_ my equal. And that’s why I just could not kill you. How could I? No no no, my plans for you are so much greater than that. I will shatter your beautiful mind into a thousand pieces and put it back together just the way I like. Whatever it takes, I’ll do it. I will break your mind, body, and soul. When I’m done with you, not only will you admit your wrongdoing, but you will accept me as your master and eventually as your God… You will eat out of the palm of your master’s hand, and you will **worship** the ground that Kira walks on.”

Misa felt a strange tremor. It started as a coil in her stomach and made her nerves tingle as it coursed through her heart and into the rest of body, settling as warmth between her thighs. There it remained as an electric and pleasant pulse. She should feel jealous of Light talking this way about L. But for some reason, she didn’t. She wasn’t jealous at all. She smiled. She couldn’t remember the last time she felt anything at all other than the rage she constantly suppressed. She certainly couldn’t recall when she had last smiled. For the first time in a very long time…

She felt _excited._

* * *

* * *

For the next two weeks, Light kept a close eye on the local news of the region where his new home was. There was not a peep about gunshots in the woods, or the discovery of a chained-up man in the bunker of an isolated cabin. The sheriff’s death was reported as nothing more than a tragic accident. It was all going exactly as planned.

Explaining L’s disappearance was _trivial,_ compared to the complexity of making him disappear in the first place. It was almost laughable how easy it was. Light forged a suicide note to make it appear as if L had killed himself. He wrote that he was overwhelmed with hopelessness with the Kira case and grief due to the death of his father figure.

Of course, Light played the part of a devastated friend perfectly upon receiving the news, and he gave a heartwrenching speech at the funeral about how L was his “best friend and the smartest man I’ve ever known.” No one suspected a thing. It helped that what he said about L was true… L _was_ his best friend and the smartest person he’d ever known… It was just the emotions that were false.

And every day (sometimes multiple times per day), Light watched L. He told Ryuk and Misa that he wanted to ensure that Sato and Haruto were providing him with 3 servings of food and water per day, as was written. Misa, of course, knew this was a complete lie. Light just liked looking at his captive. It was that simple. Deep down surely Light _knew_ that she knew? But, she also knew that Kira’s ego was fragile and it wouldn’t do to just call him out.

Anyway, when Misa was honest with herself, she wanted to look at the bastard L too. But she didn’t want to admit that to Light. It’s possible that he would get jealous. He was awfully possessive of L, and they hadn’t even gone to the house yet. But that explanation didn’t feel quite sufficient. Perhaps there was another reason why Misa didn’t want to admit it, but she gave it no further thought. In any case, 7 days after L’s capture, Misa came up with a way to ask.

“Hey Light..” Misa began quietly. Light stopped what he was doing and turned to look at her.

Unlike in the past, Light never ignored Misa anymore. She hardly ever spoke lately, so when she did, he paid attention. He didn’t know why her personality had changed so much and he couldn’t pinpoint exactly when it had happened. He wasn’t exactly one to start conversation with her to find out why, nor did he pay enough attention to her to figure it out himself.

He was content to blame it on the memory loss gambit. He recalled that it had been uncomfortable when he had suddenly _remembered_ that he was the very person he had been chasing all along – It had felt like his mind was being torn into two and rearranged. He had screamed when he picked up the notebook because for a moment, he really did feel that he might go insane. But he overcame it; he maintained his grip on sanity because he remembered his purpose; he remembered that he was a god. Perhaps the girl’s psyche just wasn’t strong enough to withstand it.

Regardless of how or why or when it happened, he was grateful for the change. He rather liked quiet, docile, shut-in Misa.

Light responded to Misa with a simple, “Uh, yes?”

Misa avoided eye contact, staring at the floor. “I was wondering …. Could I …. Well, I was thinking that pretty soon, I’ll be the one taking care of L when you’re not there, right? That is the plan?”

Light replied, “Yes, that’s right. Once it is safe, you will move in there full time and keep him alive for me. I’ll visit on weekends and during breaks from classes. I’ll finish college as fast as I can and then I’ll move in with you there full time.”

Misa continued, “Right.. So, tonight, shouldn’t I watch how the two guys are taking care of him now so I can learn how to do it..?”

Light responded dismissively, “That’s not necessary. It’s not that complicated. It’s basically like feeding a dog. I’ll show you when we go there next week.”

But then… Light noticed the tiniest change in Misa’s expression, a flash of disappointment in her eyes. He smirked in realization and amusement. “Misa, I’m sorry, did you just _want_ to see L?”

Misa scrunched her face in embarrassment at being seen through so easily. “N-No! I… Well look, it’s not like I … It’s not that I _want_ to look at him.. No. No. No no no no _**NO**_. Why...” she barked an incredulous, defensive laugh to distract herself from her sudden racing heartbeat, “Why would I want to look at _him?_ At that **ugly,** filthy, dead-eyed, _creepy_ , pale fucking _**face?”**_

As Misa spoke, her tempo and volume increased. Light was slightly shocked. From his perspective, this came out of nowhere.

Misa continued. Her rage had finally succeeded in escaping its cage within her mind and built to a crescendo. _**“I**_ just wanted to **kill** him! It was your stupid, insane idea to keep him alive. I’m only agreeing to help you with this batshit plan because, because YOU need me to!! It’s all for YOU! I do so much for you, Light, **fuck.** Do you… Do you even _care?!_ If it wasn’t for you, why would I EVER want _anything_ to do with that disgusting. Perverted. Piece. Of. _**Shit?!”**_

At this point, she was screaming so loud that Light idly worried the neighbors might hear. She had a wild look in her eyes.

Light was fascinated. This new version of Misa was like an entirely new person, and it looked like she had some surprises in store for him. He knew she never _liked_ L, but this… This was unbridled _hatred_ _._ He could **use** that.

But first, it looked like he needed to calm her down.

After the outburst, Misa was clutching at her hair and her breathing was quickening. She looked around the room for an escape, as if she were trapped _(Trapped where? Where am I?)_ Her mouth opened wide as she gasped for breath. She was terrified. She couldn’t breathe. Her vision was blurring. And she didn’t. Know why.

“Hey, hey sweetheart,” Light spoke soothingly and pulled Misa into an embrace. He stroked her hair gently. Long fingers ran through golden locks, over and over and over again.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you. It’s ok.. It’s all going to be ok… You’re here; you’re with me. I _love_ you...” Light's voice was deep, quiet, and velvety, like warm honey in Misa's ears. The sound and the repetitive hand motions on her head gave Misa a feeling of warmth and security.

The panic subsided. Misa abruptly began sobbing into Light’s chest, clutching onto him and burying her face into his shirt. _Oh god_ _why did I act like that?? Why am I crying_ _now_ _?_ _I’m a hopeless, worthless mess,_ she thought to herself.

Misa was immeasurably frustrated. She thought she was in control of her stupid emotions, because most of the time – for long, long stretches of time – she didn’t feel anything. Not a goddamn thing. (That meant she had her feelings under control, right?) But then…. It had all just come spilling out at once. The last she time she felt something was a week ago when she was listening to Light talk about the horrible things he was going to do to L, and it made her feel _wonderful._ She just wanted to experience that again! She thought that seeing L in chains would make her feel good like that again. But it didn’t.

Instead, she had screamed, panicked, and cried.

“What the fuck is wrong with me, Light?” she spoke through broken sobs.

Light took a deep breath while nuzzling Misa’s neck _(smells like alcohol)_ and _shhh’d_ her gently. For a moment, he simply continued to hold her… Tightly and possessively.

He smirked to himself while his mind spun with possibilities as to how he could twist this side of her to his favor. L was going to be difficult to break, and he would need to use any and all tools at his disposal. Misa clearly had some issues that needed an outlet. Perhaps Misa would be inclined to be cruel to L, and then Light could be the one to comfort him... _Yes, it’s brilliant!_ He had never even considered that Misa could be useful for anything other than feeding his pet.

Light finally responded to the lingering question with a level of honesty that surprised himself.

“Misa, listen to me… There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.”

He spoke with an unwavering conviction, in that confident, assured voice that made you want to believe _anything he said._ Misa felt something again. It was a wonderful feeling, but different from that nice feeling she had last week. It was less electric, less of a pulse, and more of just a steady glow in her chest.. Almost like a warm, comfortable pressure on her heart. She gazed up at him, with a mix of disbelief and adoration in her eyes. Was she feeling love again? Real love, not just the remnants of the memory of what love felt like?

Light looked down at her and fully took in her appearance. He found that he rather liked her looking so lazy and unkempt. Her hair was messy – tangled, unwashed. Her clothes were loose and baggy. She was barefoot. Her face was completely devoid of makeup and she had dark circles under her eyes from lack of sleep. And above those dark circles were round hazel eyes... They shined with tears and with a spark of the obsession that he’d almost forgotten she had for him.

Light was surprised to feel a warm glow in his own heart as he took in that look in Misa’s eyes. Seeing this broken, depressed, helplessly dependent person gaze at him like that was... enjoyable.

He lifted Misa’s chin in his hand and closed the distance with a soft kiss.

 _And_ _s_ _eeing_ _that_ _look in_ _ **L’s**_ _eyes will be even better,_ he thought, while deepening the kiss and feeling warmth in another part of his body.

After a minute, Light pulled away and Misa sighed. Light smiled kindly and said, “How about we just go to bed? We can both check on L tomorrow, if you’re up for it.”

Misa wiped the tears from her eyes. She smiled.


	4. Rituals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L attempts to make sense of his situation.  
> And then he gets a bath.

After one more week of staring at L on the camera, the day had finally come to see him in person. Misa was nearly as excited as Light. After that night when she had uncomfortably revealed some of her true feelings, Light had begun inviting her into the bedroom in the evenings to see the fruits of his labor. When she had seen L on the camera for the first time – chained, in a fetal position on hard concrete – she had clapped her hands in excitement and flashed a sick, sadistic smile that gave even Light a slight chill.

Light and Misa pulled into the driveway of the isolated house.

Ryuk phased out of the car and remarked, “Did I ever tell you, this place is pretty nice! You really outdid yourself Light-o!”

Light had been here once before, of course, via the route that L had taken. He came before the day of L’s capture in order to set everything up. The food, water, drugs, and the restraints in the bunker.

The logistics of getting the car and house _had_ been difficult. Actually, it was much harder than kidnapping the world’s greatest detective. In the month between getting his memories back and capturing L, Light had to get his driver’s license, find a suitable house, and buy a car.

The money was a complicated problem to solve – For the initial down payment, they had simply used Misa’s savings from her abandoned idol career. The rest of it was to be eventually funded by L himself. After L had “committed suicide,” the task force voted Light in as the new L. _Playing their part perfectly,_ he had thought. Taking control of the resources that L had access to was proving to be complicated, but once he managed it he had a plan to subtly redirect certain funds to a secret offshore bank account that he could access through a fake identity. He told himself that the embezzling and identity fraud were justified – He was just confiscating funds from a criminal who had gone against the new world order.

2 weeks after L’s kidnapping, Light had spun a lie to his family and to the task force that Misa had decided to move away from the city, and he would be visiting her whenever he didn’t have class. Detective work could be done remotely after all; L had proven that by not even showing people his face for most of his career. The task force guys (Matsuda especially) were all surprised and confused by Misa’s decision, but Light’s mother and sister were not in the least. Sayu and Sachiko were very understanding. _“That poor girl has been through_ _so_ _much,”_ Light’s mother had said, and his sister had agreed, saying _“I hope it makes her happy.”_ Light made a mental note that his family was more perceptive than he gave them credit for.

It was the beginning of December now and the air was crisp and cold. But Light barely registered the temperature in his anticipation to finally, finally see L in person. He didn’t even bother to enter the house, walking straight around to the back and opening the heavy steel door of the bunker in the backyard.

He briefly paused and turned to Misa to say, “You wait in the house. I need to be alone with him.”

Misa pouted – a flash of her old self.

Light reassured her, “You’ll be able to see him soon. But this is a delicate process. Trust me.”

With that, he turned and descended into the bunker.

* * *

~ a few hours earlier ~

L came to consciousness and heard screaming.

The sound echoed in the empty room.

_Empty. No one here._

_No one but me._

_Am I the one screaming?_

L felt a jolt as he stopped disassociating. He quieted.

He stared at the single lightbulb until his eyes burned. He blinked and saw sunspots. _The sun…_ He hadn’t seen the sun since he had been brought down here. There were no windows. He never knew if it was day or night. He had stopped trying to guess some time ago. Some time ago… How long ago? How long had he been here?

_If my calculations are correct, based on how many times those men have been down here, it has been … about 14 days. Two weeks… I’m never getting out of here. It’s hopeless..._

“No, it is NOT hopeless, you will get out! I will find a way!” He thought. Or did he say that out loud? What was the difference?

Every part of L’s body ached. For 2 weeks he had sat here on the cold, hard concrete, without sufficient range of motion to stand up. He could not use his hands or arms, as they remained perpetually chained behind his back. It was incredibly _painful._

On top of that, L’s mind was going mad from lack of stimulation. He never saw anyone except for the two empty husks who had captured him. They visited him in regular intervals to give him food and water, and to take him to the bathroom. They didn’t speak a word to him. He knew they were still under the control of the notebook. It was like they weren’t even alive anymore. _They may as well not be,_ L thought.

The only opening L ever got to escape was when the two men took him to the bathroom. But Kira must have been astoundingly detailed in their instructions, because like robots, these two never, ever deviated from their programming. L might have been losing some of his sanity, but his analytical mind was still operating. He had catalogued their every action in an attempt to find a way out, and to gain a sense of time. Their daily ( **if** it was on a 24-hour schedule; that was an assumption) schedule was as follows:

  * Take L to the bathroom, which entailed the following humiliating procedure: Blindfold. Gag. Tie his ankles together to immobilize him. Detach him from the wall chain. Carry him to the attached bathroom and seat him upon the toilet. Watch him for approximately 10 minutes.

  * After this process, they would put L back in his spot, and then give a bottle of some disgusting nutrition shake. If he didn’t drink it right away, they would hold his nose closed and shove the bottle into his mouth, forcing him to swallow. And then leave for, presumably, several hours.

  * Return to give L a cup of water. Leave.

  * Take L to the bathroom again, and then give him some sort of protein bar and one more cup of water. Again, forcing him to consume the food and water. Leave.




L was barely receiving enough food and water to survive. He constantly felt sore, dehydrated, hungry, and .. a bit drunk? L was pretty sure that the food or the water was drugged. At first, he tried to refuse to eat or drink in protest. Perhaps then he could be clear-headed enough to find a way to attack them. But the men force-fed him. In any case, such a plan was unlikely to be successful, without being able to use his mouth, hands, feet, or eyes.

The more important reason why L decided to take his food and water willingly was that if he didn’t eat and drink, then he would die. And then he wouldn’t live long enough to kick Kira in his god-forsaken face. Once he did that, then maybe L would allow death to carry him away from this hell…

A raspy laugh escaped from L as he thought it was a tiny bit funny that his entire bucket list was simply: _Give the world’s worst murderer a firm round-house kick to the face._

L began muttering to himself. Since being down here, L had quickly regressed to some of his childhood coping mechanisms. As an avoidant, socially anxious orphan, young L had often spent hours retreating into his mind. As a child, sometimes he would recite bits of the books that he had memorized. When that got boring, then he would imagine fantastical worlds of his own. His imaginary worlds were complete with complex characters, dense cities, and endless expanses of untamed wilderness. Today, he returned to a world that he hadn’t given any thought to in about 15 years. This imaginary society flourished on the Jupiter moon, Europa. The main character of this story was named Quill (named after his father-figure), and he was a brave young man, a no nonsense cop with nothing to lose…….

As L lost himself to fantasy escapism, it was a bit like returning home.

He felt tears on his face.

* * *

L’s daydreaming was interrupted by the light suddenly going dark. Did that cursed lightbulb finally burn out? He was momentarily grateful for the respite from the endless bright light.

Until he heard the steel door open.

This was abnormal. The husks never turned the light off before coming inside. That meant it had to be someone else.

Kira?

L strained his eyes in the sudden darkness to try to make out the figure in the doorway. There was a little bit of light spilling in from outside… But all he could make out was that it was probably a male. The man closed the door quickly before L’s eyes had a chance to adjust to the dim light. With the door closed, there was no longer even dim light. Just complete darkness.

L scrambled into a crouched position, poised to do something, anything. The length of the chain prevented him from standing, and his hands were cuffed behind his back. But he could still _bite._

“Don’t you _dare_ touch me. Why am I here? What do you want?! And why don’t you show your face, you coward?! What do you have to lose?!”

Meanwhile, Light suppressed a laugh. L would see his face very, very soon. And oh, what fun it would be…

Light swiftly blindfolded L. Then, he left to turn the light back on and promptly returned.

He grabbed L’s restrained left arm. L twisted his head around towards any part of his captor’s body that he could reach and bit down **hard.** The man holding his arm grunted in severe pain, but maintained his hold on L and injected his arm with a syringe he had prepared. L yelped, but within moments his body started to relax.

“What … what are you doing… to me…..?” L spoke slowly and quietly. Within a minute, the sedative had done its work and L was unconscious.

Once L was out, Light let out a frustrated curse as he felt the wound on his forearm. L had bitten through his shirt and broken the skin. Light was surprised that he had managed it given the angle he had to twist his body. L certainly was resourceful and not to be underestimated.

In any case, he sedated L for a simple purpose: To give him a bath! Light had expected L to smell given 2 weeks of poor hygiene in a poorly-ventilated underground room, but there really was no preparing himself for how bad it was.

But it was no matter. From now on, he planned to groom his dirty pup regularly. He removed L’s arms from the handcuffs and noted that his wrists were severely bruised. He must have struggled quite a bit. With quite a bit of effort, Light carried L to the bathroom. This part would be difficult: Undressing an unconscious, fully grown adult man. Light gingerly laid L down on the floor and pulled his shirt off, taking care not to let his head fall back down onto the hard floor. He then unbuttoned and unzipped L’s jeans, awkwardly wriggling L out of his pants and underwear. Finally, L was fully nude, passed out on the bathroom floor.

Light sighed as he took in L’s fully naked form. The two had lived together, handcuffed to one another 24/7, for 3 months… And yet Light had _never_ seen L in this state. Every time L needed to undress fully, he would remove the cuff from his own arm and attach Light to a ring bolted into the wall of their shared bedroom. However, when Light needed to do the same, Light knew that L dutifully watched him on camera the entire time.

_So, I’m really just returning the favor here, L._

He gingerly laid him down in the tub, with his head propped up. He had an unusual body, not one that people would generally consider _conventionally_ attractive. He was thin, gaunt, pale, and bony. But Light thought of himself as being more discerning than the average person. He saw what was beautiful about him. Light gently ran his fingers along L’s sharp collarbones that protruded proudly above a lithe, flexible torso. He admired L’s hair, black as midnight, contrasting gorgeously against his ivory skin, barely touched by the sun. Of course, what he loved most of all about L was his sharp mind and dry wit, always challenging him and never backing down... which he would play with in time.

Now was not the time to let his thoughts linger so. The drugs would not last forever. He turned on the water and got to work.

Over the next 30 minutes, Light methodically but tenderly scrubbed every square inch of L’s body with warm soap and water. He poured water over his head and worked in the sweet-smelling shampoo, rinsed, and then repeated with a generous portion of conditioner. Light slowly pried apart the tangled knots with a hairbrush. L’s hair was soft and thick, exactly as he had always imagined it…

Light hoped that one day, L would willingly allow himself to be bathed, and it would be an enjoyable experience for _both_ of them. He smiled at the thought.

Light drained the dirty bath water and grunted as he lifted L out of the tub. He laid him down on a clean towel on the floor, and used another towel to dry his body and hair. He then retrieved a clean shirt, underwear, and pair of pants from the bathroom cupboard which he had stocked before obtaining his captive. Putting clothes _on_ unconscious L was even more difficult than taking them off, but he managed eventually.

Light carried L back into the main room of the bunker and put him down. In addition to bathing L, he planned to use this time to make his spot by the wall a little bit more comfortable. He retrieved a large, plush pillow that he had brought down with him, and positioned it by the chain where L sat. He laid L’s still unconscious body down on the cushion.

 _And now the finishing touch,_ Light thought. He pulled a collar out of his bag. It was dark blue leather on the outside, with a soft cushioned interior and a thin metal ring that ran along the inside. He rubbed his thumb over the inside, checking one last time that it was up to his standards to rest against L’s delicate flesh. He wrapped it around L’s neck and fastened it closed. This was a special collar that was secured with a lock and key. Light locked the clasp and pocketed the key. Additionally, the collar had a sturdy metal o-ring attached that could be clipped onto other things. He attached the metal ring to the wall chain. He did not cuff L’s hands.

 _Perfect._ Light sighed contentedly. Except for the chain, L looked every bit like the pampered, sleepy pet he wanted him to be. One day, he would stay put voluntarily. He just needed a bit of training.

L would soon wake up feeling fresh and clean, sitting atop a luxurious pillow with his hands and arms finally freed, and a soft collar around his neck. Surely he would understand what his purpose was.


	5. Mistakes

Misa was thoroughly creeped out by the two guys sitting in her new living room.

It was the two men who each had 3 full pages of the Death Note dedicated to them. Light had spent _days_ coming up with a perfectly planned, incredibly detailed series of instructions for Sato and Haruto. All so L would be kept alive without putting Light at risk while they waited to make sure the coast was clear. Honestly, she thought Light’s thoroughness bordered on excessive.

She watched them each eat a protein bar, in perfect unison. She had only been watching them for about 45 minutes but so far, everything they did was in-sync. She supposed it was because Light just copied the exact same instructions a second time, and so every action they were dictated had the same timestamp … Even eating. If it were her coming up with this plan, she would have guessed that it wasn’t necessary to dictate when they ate, but Light probably didn’t want to make that assumption. He wouldn’t have wanted to risk them dropping dead of starvation (or would it be a heart attack? The Rules were so unclear sometimes) before they could finish their tasks. And that’s ultimately why he was going to rule the world, not her. In her opinion, all that planning just sounded tedious and tiring.

To her relief, the backdoor opened and Light walked in.

“Oh finally, you’re back. These guys make me **_so_** uncomfortable. How much longer are they here again?”

“7 more days before they leave to commit suicide in their homes,” Light replied while glancing at his watch, “Anyway, you’ll get a break from them soon. In 5 minutes they’re scheduled to give L his dinner. Also, you don’t have to watch th--”

Misa interrupted, “Ehhhhh?? I’m just supposed to **live** with these dudes for 7 days? Light are you kidding me? Come ooooonnnnn,” she whined.

Light felt some mild annoyance at Misa showing some of her old antics again. But, she did raise an interesting point, and so he said, “I mean… It’s sort of an interesting philosophical question: Are they even still sentient? Every single minute of their lives is accounted for until their death. And they’re not allowed to speak except under certain circumstances. So, I would just ignore them.”

Misa decided to ask the expert. “Ryuk! What do you think? Do they know what’s going on? Do they see me?” She waved her hand in front of their faces. They gave her a confused look, but otherwise had no reaction.

Ryuk laughed and said, “I have no idea! No shinigami I know has ever controlled a human with this much detail and for this length of time! I dunno how it works. I didn’t even know you could do this sort of thing. Hey, here’s a more important question. Why haven’t you stocked your creepy killer kitchen yet?”

Light rubbed his eyes, feeling more and more irritated by these two. “Ryuk… Buying apples for my _‘murder house’_ as you so eloquently put it the other day, was not on the top of my list of priorities. In case you hadn’t noticed, I’ve been kind of **busy.”**

Misa burst into giggles, “’ _Murder house?_?’ Ryuk, what? Is that from a movie? That doesn’t even make sense; we won’t be killing anyone here! Like, I mean, I guess that’s not technically true, I just mean no one will physically die here..”

Ryuk grinned. Misa was in a good mood. “heh heh, yeah it was a movie. It took place in an abandoned cabin in the middle of the woods, just like this one! We should watch it sometime. Once you get some apples. Can’t watch a movie without snacks.”

The two men abruptly stood up. Haruto grabbed a protein bar while Sato filled up a cup of water. They silently left the house.

“Right on time,” Light said.

Misa put her hand to her mouth, as if she were surprised that she had gotten distracted by the entire reason they were here. “Oh my gosh. Does L know you’re Kira now? Oh I wish I had seen how he reacted….”

Light pondered for a moment as to what extent he wanted to explain his plans for L. “No, he doesn’t know yet. I wanted to make him comfortable first. As you know, Misa, his conditions these past two weeks have been atrocious...”

Misa’s good mood dropped. She frowned, thinking _Not as bad as what he did to me._

Light continued, “...And so, I sedated him to unconsciousness, bathed him, gave him a change of clothes, and gave him a soft cushion to sit on rather than that awful concrete.”

Misa’s eyes narrowed as she quietly seethed. L had only been imprisoned for a **quarter** of the time that she had and in _far_ better conditions, and he was already being treated nicely?

She spoke in a low, deliberate tone, “And why does he deserve all of that?”

Light smiled and sat on the couch next to Misa. He was happy to see her angry once again. He patted her head gently.

He continued, “Of course darling, he doesn’t deserve it at all. But that is exactly the point!” Light spoke with the bright earnestness of a student delivering a persuasive essay, “What I’ve just done for him is a kindness. You see, this is the first stage of conditioning him to associate me with positive feelings and experiences. Of course if he misbehaves, which I’m certain he will as soon as he wakes up, we – or should I say _you –_ will punish him appropriately… But no dog makes any progress with only negative reinforcement, which is why I must show him kindness every now and then. Eventually – you’ll see – you won’t even recognize him when I’m finished.”

With his comforting hand upon her head, and the mention of her punishing L, Misa lightened up. She replied, “Hmm. Ok, I guess I get it. Anyway, I have another question.”

“What is it?”

“You said you made L unconscious. How are those two guys going to feed him?”

Light’s brow furrowed for a moment. Then, he looked to the floor and his eyes widened as the realization hit him. He uttered a quiet, “ _oh,_ _ **fuck.”**_

Misa and Ryuk both mumbled, “..huh?”

Light put his head in his hands and began mouthing curses before his panic became audible, “Oh shit, oh shit, oh fuck fuck **goddamn** it!! How could I do something this _stupid!!”_

He stood up and ran out the back door, thinking to himself, _The tasks have to be_ _ **possible!**_

Ryuk and Misa looked at each other in confusion. Ryuk fluttered off to watch. Surely this would be interesting…

* * *

Light burst into the bunker to witness what he was afraid of. Haruto had already collapsed on the ground, presumably dead. Pieces of uneaten protein bar littered the floor with some crumbs on L’s face. Sato was currently trying in vain to force water down the throat of a completely unconscious person.

Within Sato’s head, he heard the instruction repeating like broken code caught in an endless loop: **8:00pm:** **He makes the prisoner drink water –** **8:00pm:** **he makes the prisoner drink water –** **8:00pm:** **he makes the prisoner dri----**

The man dropped the half-empty cup that had already spilled its contents all over L’s face, clutched his chest, and grunted in pain as he collapsed on top of his hapless companion.

It was just like the criminal Light had experimented on in the early days. He had written that the man would die in front of the Eiffel Tower in 30 minutes, but since that was impossible, the man had simply died of a heart attack immediately. And now, for Haruto and Sato… By drugging L so thoroughly, Light had accidentally made their tasks unachievable, and so…

They died.

Ryuk thought this sight was absolutely hilarious. He floated on his back horizontally as he collapsed into a fit of laughter, unable to put into words how ridiculous he found the situation. He felt bad for telling Light he thought his plan to kidnap L was stupid. Turns out, it was quality entertainment!

Light was… Not so amused. “Oh god no, no no no no no no, SHIT what do I do??!” he screamed as his mind berated him, _Gods aren’t supposed to make mistakes!_

Ryuk continued to laugh, but managed to get a few words in in his crackling voice, “So uhhh, I guess you have to learn how to dispose of bodies now, huh??”

Light ignored Ryuk, too stressed by the situation and infuriated by his mockery to formulate a response. He pressed his back against the wall opposite of L. He slowly slid down into a crouching position, buried his face in his knees and whined, “Oh, L… The things I do for you…..”

To Light’s absolute horror, he heard a groan. Coming from L. He snapped his head up to see L’s eyes attempting to flutter open.

 _No… Not now!_ This was not at all how he wanted Kira and L’s first encounter to go, with dead bodies littering the floor! Light hated for any situation to go against his plans; he needed to be in perfect control.

Light scrambled on his hands and knees towards L, “No no L, go back to sleep.” _This isn’t a good time..._

Ryuk collapsed into gutteral cackling once more, “It just keeps getting better!” If he were physically capable, he would have been crying from laughing so hard.

Meanwhile, L’s senses were struggling to make sense of the waking world. The sedatives he had been injected with were extremely potent. He heard voices. He saw shapes. He felt … a pillow? Was he in bed?

He saw Light’s face and pieced together that it was his voice who he heard. _Yes, that makes sense._ _I_ _must be in bed_ _with Light, like usual_ _._ _What a terrible nightmare about being kidnapped…._

His eyes closed once more and he spoke with a slurred voice, “Light…. Bad… dream….”

Light carefully and quietly fumbled in the pocket of the dead body next to L. He found the bottle of chloroform and was relieved to see it hadn’t been fully used last time. While he uncapped the bottle he spoke reassuringly to the confused L, “A bad dream? Tell me about it.”

L mumbled incoherently, practically sleep-talking, about “husks” and “chocolate shakes.”

Light pulled off his own sweater and soaked a sleeve in the chloroform.

L’s eyes started to gain clarity and he looked around. “...Wait … Where….. Where am I… WHERE AM--”

His mouth was covered by a cloth being pressed to his face and then he lost himself to the void.

\-----

Light returned to the house and plopped down on the couch next to Misa once more. He was frazzled, twitching, and shirtless. Misa stared at him, her eyes full of questions.

Light’s eyes were wide and stared into nothing. He spoke quietly, “…..Do you know anything about getting rid of bodies?”

Ryuk laughed again.

\-----

After some discussion, research, and a new shirt, the partners in crime settled on the approach of buying a bunch of acid and dissolving the bodies in the bathtub. They couldn’t risk transporting the bodies or burying them. Even with having some other person do it for them, there was the risk of the bodies being found (even dug up by an animal) and a murder investigation being launched in the region, leading to their house coming under scrutiny…

At this point, they were researching vehicle registration databases in the region to find an appropriate person to do it for them.

“It’s kind of funny when you think about it. We’re probably the first serial killers who have never had to hide a body before,” Misa mused.

Light did not think it was funny and shot Misa a judgmental look. “We’re not serial killers.”

Misa raised her eyebrows, blinked, and gave him a small nod. “Right… Right, sorry.” _Sometimes I forget how delusional he is._

Light settled on his next victim. _“_ This guy will do. He works in a chemistry lab. That his real name? Shiro?”

Misa nodded and Light started writing.

* * *

L awoke with his head pounding and his stomach growling. He rubbed his face into the cushion beneath him, stretched out and then turned to check if Light was awake yet –

But he wasn’t there.

And L wasn’t in his bed.

 _Oh, that’s right… I’ve been kidnapped by Kira. How could I forget,_ L thought morosely. He could have sworn that he saw Light in bed with him. _I_ _m_ _ust have been dreaming…_

L fluffed the pillow underneath him and –

 _Wait, a pillow? Wha……_ L sunk his hands into the plush, thick cushion underneath him. Compared to the concrete floor, it felt absolutely luxurious. And then the rest of his senses kicked in. He smelled himself. He smelled **good!** He didn’t even realize how horribly he smelled until he was cleaned up. He ran his hands through his hair – soft, clean, and untangled.

 _Wait, I can use my hands and arms?_ They were no longer painfully cuffed behind his back! He stretched his arms. Never in his life had he been so happy to have full range of movement in his arms. He had never considered how truly miserable it was to be restrained like that for two entire weeks. He did not ever want to repeat it. He held his hands in front of his face and stretched them open and closed. He massaged each individual joint and knuckle, enjoying the satisfying _cracks_ with a huge smile on his face.

He ran his hands down his face (also clean) and eventually they rested on his neck.

_Wait… what the hell is **this?**_

His hands felt the full circumference of the leather collar until they reached the metal ring. It was attached to the chain, attached to the wall. Immediately L’s heart plummeted. He realized with horror what was going on. The bath, the pillow, his hands _._ Kira _wanted_ him to feel happy. What’s more, he probably wanted him to be **grateful** for these “freedoms” and “comforts” that he had been given.

L felt sickened and disgusted with himself for falling for it, even if only for a minute. Kira had stripped him naked and bathed him while he was unconscious, and he wanted him to _thank him for it._ He wanted to play games with L’s mind, didn’t he? And the _collar..._ The literal dog collar that wouldn’t come off no matter how hard L tried. What kind of depraved game was Kira hoping to play? L had performed a thorough psycho-analysis of the criminal throughout his investigation, and yet…. The murderer was somehow even more disturbed than L knew.

L’s stomach began to hurt as disgust turned to boiling rage. He removed the pillow from underneath him and threw it against the far wall, out of his own reach. On the off chance that he was being watched, he shouted as loudly as his unused vocal chords would allow, **“Fuck you, Kira! I’m not your pet, you degenerate psychopath!”**

The door to the bathroom opened. L pivoted to look. A man emerged who he did not recognize. The man shut the door and headed for the exit. Judging from the way he did not acknowledge L in any way, L guessed that he was yet another mind-controlled Death Note puppet.

 _How many people has Kira killed just to imprison me? Why…??_ The thought made L feel sick again.

It was then that L noticed a _horrible smell_ waft from the bathroom. He couldn’t help it – he was once again grateful for the ability to use his hands because he immediately pinched his nose and began breathing through his mouth. But he could still sort of smell it, in the way that one can sort of taste a smell that’s pungent enough. Fortunately, the smell passed quickly since the door had been closed.

 _What in the hell_ _is_ _going on?_ L thought.

L waited and waited. After some time, his stomach growled again. He hated to have this thought, but he hoped those two guys would show up again soon so he could have something to eat.

To distract himself from the gnawing hunger (and from the regret hat he felt for tossing the pillow away, which was a feeling he was ashamed of), L once again retreated into his mind. He returned to the world he had entered the previous day (or was it longer ago?), furthering the story of Quill. He imagined a mystery that only his protagonist’s calm and collected intelligence could solve, bringing him to all ends of the alien world. L thought to himself that if he hadn’t become a detective himself, maybe he would have become a writer.

The bunker’s heavy steel door creaked open and L snapped back to reality.

\-----

In the house, Misa made breakfast while Light fidgeted anxiously. He heard a car start outside. It was the chemist whose name he had written last night, leaving to go have a car accident in the next prefecture over at 10:00AM, after having completed his assigned tasks of dismembering and dissolving a couple of dead bodies.

Yesterday had been a long day. They had arrived at the house in the late afternoon and Light had had a lovely time giving sweet, unconscious L a bath. But then there was the fiasco with Sato and Haruto dying unexpectedly, in the wrong place and at the wrong time. Arranging for a person to come take care of the bodies had taken most of the night, and Light stayed up to make sure he did exactly as was written. Eventually, Light slept for a couple of hours and woke up feeling wired. He hardly felt he needed the coffee that Misa set in front of him and he barely had the appetite for rice and eggs.

But, today was a new day. His first full Saturday with L. He was ready for L to finally, finally see him – face to face.


	6. Zetsubou

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L's worst fears are confirmed: That he was right all along.
> 
> Content warnings: Electrocution and discussion of r*pe (it does not happen; merely the possibility of it happening is mentioned).

L thought he knew the meaning of despair. He had felt it when his parents died. He had felt it as a child, when Wammy told him that the couple visiting the orphanage had decided to adopt a different child. Then there was the horrible time when he had been wrong on a case, when he had doomed a man to execution only to learn afterwards that he had been exonerated due to DNA evidence. And of course... when Watari, Quillsh Wammy, died.

And so, in his 25 years of life, L thought he had already experienced the deepest depths of despair. But even those experiences did nothing to prepare him for this moment. The feeling was as tangible as a physical weight crushing his heart while his mind **screamed** for an alternative explanation for what he was seeing before him.

* * *

After L had let Light out of confinement and the two began living together, it was the first time in L’s life that he had actually hoped he was wrong. His mind told him, confidently and repeatedly, that Light was Kira… But he found his heart leaping with hope any time he found a reason to believe otherwise. He had worried that he was subconsciously looking for ways to exonerate the boy who was formerly his top suspect – irrational and unprofessional behavior for a detective.

But he just couldn’t help it.

As a native English speaker, L used to think that Light had a very silly name. He had honestly wondered what Mrs. Yagami had been thinking. But after they began living together and he grew to know him, he decided on quite the contrary: It was the most fitting name anyone had ever had. Everything about him _shined_. The boy was brilliant far beyond his years, he was hardworking and dedicated, he cared for his family, and he was firm in his morals.

_And those eyes…_

L even felt that Light made him a better person. Light vehemently refused to manipulate the feelings of vulnerable people like Misa and Matsuda to further the investigation. He had demanded that L find another way, and in the end he _had_ found another way – no, _they_ had, **together.** It was inspiring. In his years as a private detective, L had steadily justified more and more questionable acts towards the end of finding and capturing each perpetrator. He told himself this was just part of growing up, and it was part of the job. But without even trying, Light’s very soul had reached out and pulled L’s pure, childlike ideals out from within him, urging him to reject the cynicism that the world had forced upon him and instead, become the just detective that he had originally wanted to be. The kind of detective that he read about in books and that played out in his imagination.

_Those sparkling, round, chestnut eyes..._

* * *

All of these thoughts ran through L’s head at once as if time was frozen. This horrifying moment of cold realization would be burned into L’s memory forever. The person who was closing the steel door behind him was –

_No, no, no **no** it can’t be him--_

– Light Yagami.

– _please no, why is this happening to me?_

L’s first friend.

L’s first love.

L’s face contorted into grief. His head shook. He could not accept what his eyes were showing him. His voice wavered, broke, and dripped with agony, “No. No, no, no,” He held his head in his hands, closed his eyes and wailed in distress, **“** **NO.”**

Light calmly strode into the room. He put down a foldable chair in front of L, but out of his reach. He sat down and quietly observed in cold fascination as the composed, older man unraveled before his very eyes. His face slowly spread into a smug grin and his eyes glittered with the self-satisfaction of victory.

L looked up briefly before looking away again. He couldn’t bear the sight; the person before his eyes was not Light. It couldn’t be. He could have sworn that those soft brown eyes that he loved so much flickered red. And – had they changed shape? Impossible. And so he thought maybe he was dreaming. Yes, that must be it. It wouldn’t be the first time L had a nightmare about Light being Kira. While the two lived together, it had been a disturbing recurring theme in his dreams in the little sleep that he got.

L stuttered, “This … This can’t be happening … This isn’t real. This isn’t real. I need to wake up.”

It was then that Light _laughed at him._ It was at once the exact same melodic, twinkling laugh that L remembered fondly, and yet it was entirely different. It was perverted and twisted. It was a contradiction; at once full of vigor and yet utterly lifeless. L felt his blood run cold.

Kira spoke. “You have been asleep for some time, my dear L, but you are awake now. This,” he chuckled and gestured at the room around them, “This is all real.”

His eyes flashed and he suddenly hopped off the chair, crouching close to L. L fell onto his bottom and backed into the wall, his heart pounding. Light’s smug smile and cold eyes morphed into the most insane and manic expression L had ever seen on a human being. The monster’s visage exuded the unhinged and unashamed glee of unrestrained power.

He spoke in a cruel, mocking voice that L did **not** recognize, “Would you like me to pinch you, and convince you that I’m real?!”

He leaned back and collapsed into a fit of loud, uncontrolled laughter that L, after learning of the existence of Shinigami, could only describe as demonic. L was speechless. And terrified.

His laughing subsided and he stood up, dusting off his pants and sitting in the chair once more. His expression had shifted completely to become alarmingly calm.

“Sorry about that, L. I have missed you these past 2 weeks. I was just _so_ very excited to see you…” Then, a predatory smile, “Watching you on the cameras just isn’t the same! Maybe you can relate to that…?”

The way he spoke in a perfectly normal tone of voice so suddenly after that performance was chilling.

As L witnessed Light’s expressions and intonations fluctuate so tempestuously before his very eyes, he began to understand how this … _thing …_ had hidden in plain sight for so long. L stared at the creature. He felt betrayed. Lied to. **Hurt.** Fear turned to rage. Rage turned to righteous anger.

L shifted back into his favored crouching position, gathered his resolve, and looked his captor in the eyes.

“Tell me, _Kira_ , from the moment you were born, has there ever been a point when you've actually told the truth?”

Light’s face shifted to confusion. “What? What a weird thing to say--”

“Because to me,” L interrupted, “it seems you don’t know how to do anything but lie, threaten, and kill. I would call you a snake, but I think that’s a bit cliché, and you’re far worse than that. You are a parasite. You lied to your honorable father, to your kind-hearted mother and sister, to the entire task force, and you lied to **ME.”** L’s voice broke at this, but he continued, “All so you could continue … Doing what, exactly? _Murdering people?!_ I cannot believe I ever thought of you as my friend. You are a sad, pathetic, childish _coward--”_

L yelped and clutched his neck. During L’s rant, Light had pulled a device out of his pocket. He pressed the button and a mild electric jolt was delivered to L through the collar. _Ah,_ _but_ _of course it’s a shock collar,_ L thought.

Light shrugged his arms, “I’ve gotta say, this isn’t exactly how I expected our first ever truly honest conversation to go. I thought you would ask me, oh I don’t know, why you’re here? Why you’re not **dead?** Something like that. But no, instead you decide to just pointlessly insult me.” Light rolled his eyes. He then spoke quietly, almost to himself, “What I’m doing is far greater than simple murder. One day you will understand that.”

After a beat of silence, L began to laugh. Now it was Light’s turn to be uncomfortable.

“You...” L gasped out some more incredulous laughter and gestured with his hands as if to say _are you kidding me right now?_

He continued, “You thought I would ask you **why I’m here?** Really, _that’s_ what you expected? Do you really think you’re that hard to figure out?”

Light was offended by L’s mocking tone and scowled at him, but said nothing.

L’s laughing ceased and his voice became dry and bitter, “Light, I know you very well. I almost caught you. In fact, I would have if you didn’t have a frankly very unfair advantage. I _knew_ it was you all along. And besides, I’ve studied criminals like you for nearly half of the time that you have been **alive.** You are not nearly as much of the _fantastic enigma_ that you seem to believe you are.” L punctuated this with a little wave of his hands.

L hadn’t been interrupted yet. Apparently he had piqued the killer’s interest. He continued in a monotone, “Listen. We lived together for 3 months. During that time, I knew that you had feelings for me and presumably, you still do. Now that I know you are Kira, it is not difficult to deduce why you’ve captured me.”

L gave him a cold stare and Light waited, perplexed, narrow eyes not backing down from the stare.

“You intend to sexually violate me in order to gratify your sick desire to feel absolute victory over your greatest enemy.”

Light’s mouth dropped open. “Wh-” he stammered, “What??! L, what the **fuck** is wrong with you?! No! I.. Me.. With you....? I..”

Light finally sounded like the petulant teenager that he was, acting like a tsundere whose crush had been revealed. He stuttered for a moment trying to find the right words with which to respond to the _ridiculous_ accusation.

L glared and actually sounded _bored_ , “Oh? Am I wrong?”

Light looked away from L towards the side wall and his voice increased to an uncharacteristically high pitch, “YES. You are wrong. I don’t plan to… to… Ugh, that’s disgusting! I’m **not** going to …… to do ... that! Oh my _god;_ how can you even _say_ something like that?! You – _You’re_ the sick one, not me!”

“I think you’re lying.”

“I am _not!”_

 _Childish, so childish,_ thought L. “You are. You’ve become panicked and overly defensive. Your voice is unregulated. You’re avoiding eye contact. All tell-tale signs of lying. Admit it. Say the words. You planned to rape me.” L’s voice was calm and analytical, and he had resumed his old habit of gnawing on his thumb.

Light was absolutely infuriated because … L was _halfway_ right. He absolutely did plan to fuck L eventually, and he was pissed that L figured that out so fast . He had touched himself countless times thinking about it. Whenever he kissed Misa, he imagined it was L’s lips. But he did **not** want to force himself upon the man . And he was _hurt_ that L thought he was capable of such carnal brutality. He truly wanted to make L want it.

Light watched L chew on his thumb triumphantly (only L could inject such complex emotion into a simple tic) and decided he had had just about enough privileges for one day.

“ **Fuck you, L,”** Light spat hatefully. He flipped a switch on the remote control and L collapsed onto his stomach, incapacitated by electric pulses. Light quickly leapt on top of L, pulled his hands behind his back, handcuffed them, switched off the electric pulse, and then moved away. L had been electrocuted for about 6 seconds in total.

With much effort, L wriggled back up into a crouching position. He breathed heavily and spoke slowly, recovering from the shock. “If you…. keep doing that…. you’ll give me... brain damage…. And I hypothesize…. you don’t want that.”

Light responded after regaining his calm, “You’re correct about that L, and don’t worry. I researched carefully how to conduct corrective shock therapy in a medically safe manner. I will not damage your precious mind.” _Not in that way, anyway._

Kira’s voice took on a wild tone once again, “Anyway, I do hope you’re _happy,_ L! By speaking so disrespectfully to me, you’ve earned yourself your first punishment. As you can see, you’ve lost the right to use your arms. You’ll also be skipping breakfast. And--”

He walked over to where L had tossed the pillow earlier. “-- I was going to give this back to you after seeing you toss it away during your cute little temper tantrum earlier… But after seeing how ungrateful you’ve been to me, I think you don’t deserve it. You can have your arms  and  the pillow back after I see some improvement in your attitude.”

L snapped, “I don’t give a shit! I don’t need my arms to tell you to go fuck yourself! I swear Light, if you try anything I will bite your dick off. **Do not touch me!”**

Light’s nostrils flared. He saw red. He took a single step towards L and stopped himself. He really, really wanted to shove L’s face into the concrete and beat him bloody. But he had to resist. That wasn’t the plan. They had to stick to their roles. Only then would L change. He took a few deep breaths to calm himself and turned to leave.

He paused, thought for a moment, and turned to speak once more. His expression softened and he affected a meek and regretful tone of voice. “L, I’m sorry. I didn’t intend to hurt you. I got angry when you accused me of … of something so unthinkable, I don’t even want to say it. I will _never_ do that to you. I don’t care if you don’t believe me, if you think I’m lying. I don’t blame you. I know I’ve lied a lot. But I just … I needed to… I needed to tell you that believe it or not, I do have lines that I won’t cross.” Light sighed and looked at the ground in shame, “And I’m sorry I said you wouldn’t be fed. That isn’t fair. Like I said, I was angry. I’ll bring you some food soon.”

The door closed behind him.

L was confused. Conflicted. He sounded so genuine just then. He sounded like the Light that L knew.

_Remember, he is a liar. A good one._

_But, he didn’t seem like such a good liar earlier._

_...Could that have been an act too?_

L desperately tried to move his arms, wriggling around in a futile attempt to break free of the bonds. The movement hurt on the cold, hard concrete. He let out a frustrated groan.

_Fucking hell, what am I thinking?_

L shouted, knowing that Light probably couldn’t hear him on the other side of the door, but too angry to care. “You bastard! I don’t care if you ‘feel bad’ about _any_ of this! You still did it! You electrocuted and restrained me! You _kidnapped me!_ **Surely you don’t expect me to _forgive_ you?!”**

Tears sprung to his eyes, but he refused to allow Kira the satisfaction of seeing them fall.

\------

Meanwhile, in the house, Misa had the camera feed pulled up on her laptop. She had been watching the entire time, hanging on Light and L’s every word and idly twisting her hair around one finger.

Misa murmured to herself. “Surely you don’t expect _me_ to forgive _you_ either, hmm L Lawliet?"


	7. Under Your Skin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoo this is a long chapter! Just under 5,000 words. I actually had originally written this as two separate chapters, but I just was not quite happy with where the first of the two ended, and I couldn't find a better spot. So I mashed 'em together.

After his first real encounter with L, Light felt such a **rush.** Of course, the star student and perfect son had never done drugs, but he _imagined_ that this must be what being high felt like. Sure, L had been a tad more difficult than he had anticipated and Light had almost lost control, but it didn’t matter. Being with L _as Kira_ had been the most freeing and thrilling experience he’d had since he first started making judgments. He recalled the sight of those big, black, expressive eyes practically brimming with tears as he pitifully whined _“no,”_ so very distraught with the realization that Kira really had been the “friend” who slept next to him all along. His reaction was delicious; everything Light could have dreamt of.

And then, his delightful stubbornness, his fury and fire! Light knew L would fight back. Even though L had taken it a bit too far and angered him, it left him feeling excited and _alive._ Every other person Light had ever met was too simple, predictable, and pathetically insignificant to give him any feeling whatsoever, positive or negative. But L… Only L could rattle him like that. It was one of the many things he loved about him. And that is what would make his eventual submission so sweet…

Light entered the house and went into the home office where he found Misa absorbed in the camera feed, and in her thoughts. He silently approached her from behind and ran his hands through her silky soft, combed hair. _Hm, feels like L isn’t the only one who got cleaned up recently. Guess she’s feeling a little better._

Misa leaned back in the chair, looking up at Light upside down. She smiled and her eyes sparkled with cruel glee.

With a quiet intensity she said, “I was watching.”

Light answered, “I guessed you were. Did you enjoy?”

“I know it is wrong to enjoy it so much, but… _yes._ The way his voice broke... I thought he might cry! Ohh, I wonder what it would take to really make him cry?” She began to sound excited, “Maybe I should punish him for how he behaved before you left?”

Light tightened his hand in her hair and pulled. She let out a small noise of pain and she protested, “But, he called you a _rapis--”_

“Misa.” Light firmly interrupted, “You are a bit _too_ eager to punish my L. I appreciate your enthusiasm, but I feel I need to remind you that he is _mine,_ not yours, and so I will be the one who decides what sort of treatment he deserves. I will tell you if and when you are to administer punishment, and I will watch you the entire time. If I feel you are going too far at any point, I will stop you.”

Light leaned down to eye level and spoke with a threatening edge, “...Will you obey me?”

“ _Yes!”_ Misa squeaked fearfully, “I’m sorry Light, I get carried away sometimes.. It’s just, I just, um, I want so badly to make him **pay** for … for … almost ruining all of your plans! Because, I love you so much…”

Light stood up straight, chuckled and shook his head in amusement. Once she started talking, she was so easy to read. Then the thought occurred to him, _Perhaps that’s why she’s been so quiet the past_ _few_ _months? Some kind of self-defense mechanism?_

Light replied with a self-assured smirk, “Really, is that why? You’re sitting here jumping for the chance to … Well honestly, I don’t even know _what_ you have in mind. Anyway, you’re aching to punish L all because he is Kira’s enemy? Is that really all that’s going on in your head?”

Misa didn’t like where this line of questioning was going. That lurking, protective part of her mind that she didn’t entirely understand took over. She suddenly swiped Light’s hand away from her head and gave him a fierce glower.

Her voice was low and final, “I don’t want to talk to you about this. Leave me alone, Light.”

Light blinked in surprise. Misa was so mercurial now. As soon as he thought he had her figured out, her mood would flip without notice. Talking to Misa was like standing ankle-deep in a rip-tide current and feeling the sand shift again just as you gain footing.

“Well,” Misa continued in a bitter tone, “I heard you tell him that he would be fed. You need me to do that? I’ll be nice or whatever.”

Light had never before felt that he didn’t have the conversational upper hand while talking to Misa. His voice came out quieter than he had anticipated, and as a person who took deep pride in having absolute control over his social presence, this bothered him. “You… You don’t have to be nice. Just don’t hurt him _yet_ _.”_

“Fine.” Misa got up and left the room.

Light pondered the strange knot that had formed in his stomach. Just a few minutes ago, he had been thinking that L was the only person who could ever get to him like that.

Perturbed yet fascinated, Light turned to watch the camera feed as Misa entered L’s room.

* * *

As soon as Misa left the home office, her stoic face collapsed into anguish as her thoughts chattered. _Stupid! Stupid stupid_ _ **stupid**_ _Light! Why doesn’t he understand Misa? Why does Misa have to_ _tell_ _him everything?_ _He thinks he’s so smart, but he_ _shouldn’t_ _have to ask_ _Misa_ _such_ _things_ _._ _He just doesn’t care--_

Another voice interrupted her thoughts in a derisive tone, _You’re the stupid one._ _Just tell him_ _how you feel. Tell him everything_ _._ _Kira_ _will_ _grow suspicious if he senses you are hiding something._

Misa answered it, _**No!** _ _When it comes to …_ _**that…** _ _H_ _e doesn’t get to control what_ _Misa_ _tell_ _s_ _him_ _or when._ _Wh_ _at right does he think he has?_

The Other said, _So this is about pride? Control? You’re so petty._

 _No, that’s not it!_ She replied.

_Then what is it?_

_I’m **scared!** _

_Scared of what?_

_I don’t know!_

_**He** is what you should fear--_

She pulled her hair, squeezed her eyes shut, and let out a muffled scream as her mind yelled _Shut_ _up already!!!_

She stormed over to the fridge and grabbed the sandwich that Light had made for L earlier, as well as a bottle of water.

She headed into the bunker, closed the steel door behind her, and took a deep breath to quiet her turbulent emotions. Light had told her not to hurt L, and she would do as she was told. Although she didn’t always feel that she could trust him, she very much wanted him to trust her.

L was lying on his side staring aimlessly at the ceiling when Misa had entered. When he saw her, his head perked up in surprise. He awkwardly maneuvered himself into a crouching position (quite difficult with his arms chained behind his back) and blinked at Misa owlishly.

Misa judged his reaction with disdain. She wasn’t sure why he acted surprised to see her. Perhaps L had such a low opinion of her that he thought Light wouldn’t even trust her with feeding him?

Having just the slightest urge to play with him a little bit, Misa put on her best fake bubblegum popstar smile and said, “Surpriiiiise~! Misa-Misa’s here! Happy to see me?”

L’s expressive eyes were full of confused discomfort.

Her lips barely twitched into a smirk before dropping to a blank stare. “I’m just here to feed you. So how about you eat quickly so we can both get this over with.”

L’s stomach rumbled audibly in response. He considered refusing to eat, but his stomach felt like it was ready to begin eating itself before he had even seen Light earlier. The arrival of Light and Misa threw his schedule off, and he assumed they’d killed his previous handlers. He had no idea how long it had been since he last ate, but it had surely been much, much longer than he usually went in between meals. He was dying for some water, too.

And also, Misa’s hand was holding something _other_ than yet another one of those disgusting protein bars and shakes. L’s mouth watered. The sandwich wasn’t made of sugar, and yet two weeks of eating the same thing every single day had made him desperate for something else, anything else. Still, he did long for sweets and cake.

Misa approached him and unceremoniously shoved the sandwich into his mouth. She held it in place while L quickly devoured it.

Misa was mildly amused at L’s voracious appetite. He must have been starving. She’d never seen him so eagerly consume anything that wasn’t made of sugar. “Aw, does little _**Lawliet**_ like it?” she said mockingly.

L swallowed his food and stared into her eyes unblinkingly. L knew that the Second Kira would be able to see his name through the magic of the vague ‘deal’ that Rem had mentioned, so he gave no reaction to this. He was, however, somewhat surprised to see her here in the first place. After being released from confinement, Misa had been much less friendly towards Light. The personality change had been fully anticipated by L – Watari had advised him that what they were both doing to her was akin to _“scarring_ _the mind_ _”_ and besides… L had solved a couple of kidnapping cases in his time. He had seen how the victims behaved after they were freed.

In fact, he had actually viewed the distinct possibility of lasting psychological damage as a fortunateside effect. He thought that even if he couldn’t get any information out of this stubborn girl, the trauma would at least cause her to give up on her idiotic, superficial relationship with Kira. After they were released from confinement, by all accounts it seemed like this was exactly what had happened. Misa started spending most of her days drunk, and she became hateful towards him (of course) _but also towards_ _Light._ She acted like she no longer had any interest in him!

What the hell had changed? How did he do it? How did that damned charming boy manage to get this woman under his spell yet again?

L was struck with a sudden epiphany, _**But** **I wonder, will it be possible to turn her against Light once again?** _

.......

Misa got bored of their little staring contest and sighed. “Ok, time to drink now.” She unscrewed the cap from the bottle.

But L was so thrilled by his idea, his first spark of hope in 2 weeks, that he didn’t hear Misa’s statement. He had sat idle here long enough. He had his first real plan for how he could get out of here, and it was time to begin gathering information.

“Amane-san, I am curious. Why are you here? Why are you helping Light?” L prodded. He lapsed into his detective voice, that deep monotone with only the slightest lift at the end of the question, and with that self-assured confidence that expected an answer.

Misa swiveled her head away from the bottle and towards L. She looked at his calm, challenging expression – his wide, inquisitive eyes attempting to intrude into her mind. And that voice. She knew that Voice. She left side of her face twitched in contempt. This bastard hadn’t been nearly broken enough for her liking. Light was being _far_ too nice to him. She promised not to hurt him, but she could –

Misa held the open water bottle over L’s head and slowly poured half of it out on top of him.

“Oops!” Misa held her free hand to her mouth and made her eyes go wide in a comically exaggerated, cutsey expression as if to say _I’m so clumsy!_ “Oh, I’m _so_ sorry~ My hand slipped! Silly me. Now you don’t have as much water to drink. Poor little Ryuuzaki-kun.”

L was so baffled that he barely reacted. That … was not a response he anticipated. He shook wet locks of hair out of his eyes and looked at her with apprehension.

Misa’s innocent facade faded as quickly as it had appeared. Her lips spread into a cruel smile of pure indulgence, and her eyes looked as if they contained a well of malice that would breach its rim if given just a bit more rain.

It was similar to Kira’s true face that L had seen earlier, but not quite the same. It was more directly threatening. L felt a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. It dawned on him that the explanation for why Misa was here was quite simple.

Misa spoke coldly, “Would you like to drink what is left or would you like to ask me more stupid questions?”

L’s parched throat demanded that he drink.

* * *

* * *

Misa returned to the house to find Light absorbed in work, despite his exhaustion from a lack of sleep the night before. He had mentioned that he had a lot he had to do in order to officially take on L’s title. He had angrily grumbled about how one day, in his _new world_ he would never deign to do tedious paperwork again.

She flopped on the couch near him and he turned to ask her, “Misa could you go get groceries? Er… You’re sober right now, right?”

Misa momentarily felt like being offended, but begrudgingly admitted to herself that it was a fair question. “Yeah actually. I haven’t felt like drinking for a couple of days. Sure, I’ll go. Text me what you need,” She then looked at Ryuk with a tinge of fondness, “You don’t have to tell me, Ryuk. I know what you want.”

“Hurry up, please!!! I’ve been in withdrawal for hours!!!” Ryuk squealed, his gangly limbs tangling themselves together as he rolled about on the ceiling like a zero-gravity tumbleweed.

Misa giggled at Ryuk, calling him a “silly shinigami,” and left.

Light didn’t feel like letting her know that he had enjoyed watching watching her catty behavior with L, and so he had quickly turned the camera feed off and got to work before she had come into the room.

He continued working until the early afternoon, when he decided he needed a break from work and from Ryuk’s whining. Maybe L would be up for conversation now. He missed talking to L every day; he missed it so very much…

* * *

While Light worked, L did as well. His mind was calculating a way to fight back against the psychopaths holding him hostage. Given Misa’s behavior earlier, he deduced that his mistreatment in this hell had only just begun, and his thoughts worked in overdrive to find a way out.

 _There must be a way to stop all of this_ _before something_ _truly_ _horrible happens to me._ _There has to be!_ _But my chance of success on a physical escape_ _attempt_ _are_ _astronomically low – less than half a percent._

 _Even still,_ _I_ _must_ _find an opening…_ _If I can’t get_ _a physical_ _opportunity_ _,_ _what about_ _a_ _psychological_ _one?_ _A wedge to drive in between_ _them,_ _into their relationship._ _They’re both_ _cold-blooded_ _murderers. Maybe I can get one of them to kill the other,_ _out of anger or distrust._

 _So_ _then..._ _What do I know about them?_ L envisioned his two unstable captors before him as he pieced together their personality traits like a new puzzle to solve.

 _I know that Light is obsessed with me, that much is clear._ _He is desperately possessive._ _I also know that Misa despises me._ _She_ _likely wishes to enact violence upon me as vengeance for how I treated her._ _(_ _Maybe …._ _I deserve that.)_ _No!_ _Th_ _is isn’t the time to think such things. I also know that Misa has been angry with Light_ _in the recent past_ _. Does that mean that she no longer loves him? That, I am not certain of._ _I am certain, however, that Light does not have any interest in Misa,_ _neither romantically nor sexually._ _He only uses her towards his own ends._

All of these facts floated about in his head but he did not yet see how it all fit together. _How can I use this? How?_

L heard the noise of that damned door opening and closing. He looked up and saw that it was Light this time. _L’s_ mind was sharp and ready.

“Hello, L!” Light spoke brightly, his good mood unnatural and out of place. He pulled up the chair once again and sat in front of L. “Did you enjoy your lunch?”

L simply stared blankly.

“Hmm, I do apologize. I know these aren’t the luxury accommodations a guest of your status is accustomed to. We’re uh, still _remodeling_ the room,” Light gestured to the bare, empty, concrete surroundings with a mocking snicker.

L’s stare continued. After an uncomfortable silence he said, “Was that supposed to be a joke? I suppose it should come as no surprise that a psychopath such as yourself has no sense of humor.”

Light crossed his arms and scoffed, “Ugh, after I went through all this trouble to keep you alive, you are so **rude.** Whatever. Do you want a towel? I see your hair got wet. How did that happen, L?”

L blinked slowly, weighing his options carefully on how to respond. He was sorely tempted to respond to Light’s absurdly unjustified irritation – to start an argument about how Light clearly had absolutely no place calling L ‘ _rude.’_ _Honestly!_ There were so, so many scathing comments that sat expectantly at the tip of L’s tongue, aching to be said. About Light’s rampant narcissism, megalomania, his abhorrent disregard for any human life – even that of his own family…

But L thought better of it. He silenced his emotions and took the chance to steer the conversation towards Light’s only weak link: Misa.

After a moment L said, “It seems that your…. Girlfriend – If that is what she is to you – does not like me.”

Light raised one eyebrow and smiled slightly, thinking to himself, _Yes L, that much I know. But whatever. If this is what you want to talk about today, I’ll bite._

Light leaned back with his arms behind his head and responded lazily, “Oh? Hmm, I see. And why do you think that is?”

L’s eyes narrowed, wondering what the underlying purpose of such a pointless question could be. He answered, “Isn’t that obvious?”

Light hummed. “I hadn’t really thought about it much because it isn’t important. I assumed it was because we were handcuffed together for 3 months so she wasn’t able to sleep with me, or whatever.”

L eyes widened and this thoughts raced in the blink of an eye, _…_ _Does Light not know..?_ _Has_ _he_ _assumed all this time that he and Misa were treated in the same way during their confinement?_ _Come to think of it, h_ _e never actually saw her_ _cell…_

Suddenly, the puzzle pieces in L’s mind found a way to come together. _That’s it!_

L concealed his conspiratorial thoughts with the typical monotone. “Hrm.. That could be true, but then why would she still hold such animosity towards me, now that the two of you are freely together?”

“Beats me.” Light shrugged nonchalantly. “Women.”

L’s lips curled into an impish smile and he said, “Have you considered that she is jealous?”

“Jealous? Of what?”

“Of me, of course.”

Light’s eyes twitched in confusion and L clarified, “Jealous of how much attention you pay to me.”

“Wh-” Light chuckled incredulously and looked to the side, expressing a hint of nervousness. “That’s ridiculous. That doesn’t make any sense. Why would she… You – You’re a man.”

L grinned in genuine amusement. For such a brilliant person ( _ruthless_ _killer,_ his mind reminded him), Light was hilariously dense when it came to certain things. It was almost endearing.

“Yes, I am a man. I am a man who you are… so singularly obsessed with… That you bought a house and killed several people in order to kidnap me.”

Light gave L a hard glare as he recalled L’s accusations from earlier. Light replied, “You are my greatest and most brilliant enemy. You have an intelligent mind and I admit, I enjoy your company. I just thought you were too much of a valuable prize to kill. That’s all.”

L’s arms twitched in their restraints as his body attempted to fulfill its habit of placing his thumb into his mouth. “Light, as established earlier today, you have always harbored homosexual feelings towards me.”

“What do you mean, ‘established?’” Light stood up from the chair in sudden indignation and his voice jumped up an octave, “I never told you your ridiculous theory was correct!”

L rolled his eyes and his voice dripped with sarcasm, “Oh, I see. Of course. My mistake. You just kidnapped me, stripped me naked, bathed me, changed my clothes, and collared me because you just want to be **good friends!”**

At this, Light’s face flushed red and L broke down into laughter. L’s laughing continued for longer than the moment warranted, but it was one of those absurd situations where you find yourself laughing at the fact that you are laughing.

Eventually, a poignant silence grew between the two of them but L kept smiling confidently.

Light fumed and paced back and forth in the room. L was right, of course. L was always. Fucking. Right. He was right about Light being Kira, about Misa being the Second Kira, he was right about the fake 13-day rule, so of **course** he was right about this. Light’s thoughts raced, _Even after you’ve utterly lost and you’re nothing but my prisoner, you’re still such a smug little bastard!_ _Y_ _ou don’t give up. Y_ _ou’re incredible._ _God,_ _I can’t wait_ _to wipe_ _that look off_ _your_ _face as I make_ _you_ _beg for my --_

Light ran his hands through his hair and silenced his suddenly raging hormones.

Light spoke uncertainly, making eye contact with L sporadically, “Whatever. This is getting off topic. We were talking about … About why Misa hates you. So what if it’s because she’s jealous? What do I care if Misa has… If she thinks that I have …. _Feelings_ …. It doesn’t matter. It’s inconsequential.”

L waited for a beat, and then spoke carefully. It was important that these words carried a weight in Light’s mind.

“The jealousy of a murderer is hardly inconsequential,” L said.

These words had a greater effect than L knew. Unbeknownst to L, Light suddenly had a flashback to when he first met Misa. When she showed up at his house uninvited and told him in no uncertain terms that she would _**kill**_ any girl who Light dated.

Light felt a heavy unease pooling in his stomach. Perhaps it was hubris to believe that he could freely wield the blazing flames of Misa’s hatred like a weapon, fine tuned for his own purposes. _Maybe L has a point. Maybe_ _it_ _is_ _just a fire that’s going to blow up in my face._ _All my hard work capturing L, up in flames..._

L watched in fascination as Kira’s face melted from embarrassment, to defensiveness, to realization, to doubt, and finally landing on fear. He was surprised at how simple it was to manipulate Kira once he knew who he was as a person.

L mused to himself, _If he kills Misa then perhaps he won’t be able to maintain this_ _insane_ _operation any longer._ _He’ll slip up somehow._ _He must have her here because_ _he needs_ _her, after all._ _There is no other reason why he would have her here._ _Or –_ _possibly_ _– Misa will kill him and then herself,_ _and then at least I can die here having defeated the bastard in the end._

L stared at Light’s face, observing his every microexpression as his life depended on it. So when Light’s eyes began to betray the barest hint of suspicion, L changed the subject.

In a level monotone, L said, “Say, do you think you could get me some sweets? Even just a cookie. I can’t remember the last time I went this long without sugar.”

As much as L did need sugar, he wasn’t _really_ trying to get any. He was almost entirely certain that his captor would deny this request, and that wasn’t really the point. He just needed to distract Light from poking holes in L’s entirely made-up theory.

Light responded exactly as L predicted. He was distracted from his thoughts and grasped onto the opportunity to feel superior like a child grabbing a toy. He gazed down at L condescendingly and his voice was haughty, “Poor thing. You need sugar, do you? I’m not surprised you have a dependence on the stuff. The amount I saw you eat on a daily basis was frankly disgusting.”

Then, Light slowly approached L. His prideful expression shifted to some sort of mocking semblance of care. “You’re reminding me a bit of Ryuk right now, begging for your favorite snack.”

Before L could ask who Ryuk was and protest that he was hardly _begging_ , Light reached his hand out towards L’s head.

Suddenly uneasy, L moved his head to evade Light’s touch as much as he possibly could given the chain attached to the collar around his neck. But his efforts were in vain. Light chuckled at L’s attempts to avoid him, and he grabbed a fistful of L’s hair to hold him still. L grunted in discomfort, and Light pulled his head back to force the man to make eye contact with him.

Light spoke in a voice that was sickly sweet and yet tinged with the bitterness of arrogance, “If you ask me very nicely like a good boy, then _maybe_ I will bring you a treat.”

L’s mouth fell slightly agape and his stomach churned in discomfort. His large eyes burned with hatred. “What? No, I’m not going to play your games. You’re insane. **Let** _ **go**_ **of me.”**

Light’s smile widened. With his free hand, he idly played with some of L’s hair that wasn’t held in his death grip. “Hmm? Too bad. By the way, your hair is so soft when it’s taken care of… I really enjoyed teasing the knots out of it yesterday in the bath…” He moved close to L’s ear and whispered as gently as a lover, “Perhaps we can do it again sometime, with you awake next time…”

Light’s tender voice filled L with anger and disgust. He twisted his head as much as he could towards Light’s ear which was just barely in reach, and snapped his mouth shut in a vicious bite. But Light pulled away at the last second, and there was the sound of a _snap_ as L caught nothing in his mouth but stagnant air.

Light laughed and took a step back. “You are _such_ a naughty boy. That’s the second time you’ve tried to bite me! Well, the first time you didn’t just _try..._ You know, I think that needs to be the first one of your bad habits that we break. We need to start somewhere, and biting is not acceptable.”

L finally snapped in indignant disbelief in the face of Kira’s unfathomable disrespect. He shouted, “ _What the hell_ _Light_ _?!_ Do you know what’s ‘ _unacceptable?!’_ **Kidnapping!** Not to mention mass-scale murder acting like you think you’re some sort of, some sort of... _divine justice,”_ L forced a laugh at this, conveying how ridiculous he found Kira’s ideology to be. He continued, “And, you threatened the lives of your own _family_ for fuck’s sake, how do you even _sleep--”_

Light interrupted L by slapping him hard across the face and sternly stating, “Shut up.”

The two shared a tense gaze.

Light spoke in a stern voice as if he were disciplining a child or a pet, “I’m terribly sorry that I had to do that L. But you are behaving so poorly. You will not get any sweets. In fact, I’m afraid I’m going to need to have you punished.”

With that, Light turned to leave.

“You hopeless, soulless bastard! Psychopath! _Coward!”_

If any of these final insults bothered Light, he did not show it. He continued a steady pace out of the room and closed the door behind him without another word.

L was extremely upset with himself that he had lost his cool. It had only been one day, but that had been enough time for L to formulate the hypothesis that Light – _No, it’s Kira, it’s not Light, I must stop thinking of that name –_ enjoyed seeing him act like that. And so, he wanted to keep his emotions in check.

But… There was something else about himself that L was **far** more disturbed by. There was some small _thing_ within L that terrified and disgusted him much more than Kira ever could. It had stirred at Light’s sweet voice whispering into his ear and promising _treats._ It had even reacted to being chastised for bad behavior. L had done his best to ignore it, but he couldn’t suppress the twinge of morbid curiosity about that bizarre sensation – it was like his stomach and heart were coiling towards one each other, and his mind was going fuzzy.

It was almost … somewhat …. pleasant.

L released a scream from deep within him that expressed all of his wordless frustration, anger, hatred, and confusion.

 _It’s ok. It’s going to be ok,_ L told himself, but he did not believe it. It was difficult to self-soothe while his arms were cuffed behind his back. He didn’t realize how deeply-ingrained into his mind it was to chew on his thumb when he was thinking, or when he was nervous.

Eventually, he found some calm in reminding himself that he _had_ won this battle. He knew that as soon as Light saw Misa, he would remember what L had implied about her.

The seed of doubt had been planted _._

_I'll make them kill each other. Then I can die in peace._


	8. Replaceable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light thinks of L and uses Misa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOOHOO IT’S THE FIRST PORN CHAPTER. :D I have had so much fun writing everything in this story so far, but THIS is the first chapter where I truly felt it “got away from me.” I checked the word count when I was done and I was baffled that I’d written nearly 7,000 words. Like .. eh how did that happen? 
> 
> With that said, although I for one enjoy this chapter greatly, I know it’s not for everyone. I guess you could skip it, you would just miss character development for both Light and Misa. Here are the CONTENT WARNINGS: 
> 
> Light x himself? (power fantasy masturbation while thinking about L)  
> Light x Misa. There is emotional/verbal abuse, objectification, blindfolding (sort of), orgasm denial (again, sort of), and an aggressive blowjob with choking and suffocation. It starts out consensual but escalates to dub-con / non-con(?) territory because Light pushes things too far and he ends up making Misa cry. Because of course he does. 
> 
> L is not present in this chapter (except in Light’s imagination LOL). He will be in the next chapter. hehehe. >:)

After exiting the bunker, Light leaned his back against the closed door. He palmed the crotch of his pants, which had over the course of his conversation with L become tight and uncomfortable. He pressed his hand against the hardness that begged for release and thought about how irresistible L had looked, staring up at him hatefully, chained and collared with his hair tangled in Light’s hand.

He groaned. He simply found it so _addictive_ the way L fought against him. His matter-of-fact accusations, his bottled up rage, his burning eyes. His determination to fight with any weapon he had, be it his words or his teeth. Light adored it all because of how deliciously futile it was. Light had _won._ L belonged to him now, and no amount of fighting and screaming would ever change that. In his cruelest and darkest fantasies, deep within the recesses of his mind, Light really did force himself upon his captive, laughing at his utter powerlessness.

But such acts would remain firmly in the realm of fantasy. In the real world, Light much preferred the idea of seeing L submit and _ask_ for his master’s touch. And ask he would. It might just be the erection talking, but Light could have **sworn** that he saw the tiniest hint of sweet submission in L’s eyes when he had grabbed a fistful of that thick hair and told his pet to behave.

He told himself that he was probably just imagining it. Wishful thinking.

Light looked at the tent in his pants and sighed in frustration, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to get any work done until he took care of this … problem.

He went into the house and headed to the office. He booted up the camera feed, leaned back in the office chair, and began to unbutton his pants as he stared at the image of L on the screen.

He looked upset about something. How adorable… Of course the stubborn man had a lot to be upset about, but still Light wondered what specifically was going through his beautiful mind at this very moment. The mind of L Lawliet...

Light had asked Misa what his name was one of the nights they had watched him on the camera together before leaving their Tokyo apartment. When she had told him _“His name is … L,”_ Light had incredulously asked her if she was serious. Then Light had laughed, finding it unbelievably amusing that L never hid his first name from him. Light never, ever would have guessed that he had half of the answer all along!

The more Light thought about L’s true name, the more he felt that it was a sign that they were truly meant for one another. _Lawliet_ was rather difficult to say for a native Japanese speaker, but Light excelled in his English classes and was confident in his pronunciation. He whispered the name to himself, _“L Lawliet...”_ and remarked on how the sound of his own name, _Light_ , was present in the final syllable.

 _You see L, you were destined to belong to me. All along,_ Light thought.

Light finally freed his cock from his pants and stroked it with his right hand while staring at the image of his defeated, captive enemy. Defeated yes, but not broken. Not yet, not even close. His thoughts quickly turned to fantasy as he began to imagine the possibilities of what he could **do** with L _(What we could_ _accomplish_ _together!)_ if he would just give up, give in to what they both wanted. Because Light firmly believed that the stubborn man _did_ want it, deep down.

How could he _not?_ For 3 months they had spent nearly every moment with one another, handcuffed to each other. They woke up together. Ate together. Pored over evidence together. Planned together. _**S**_ _ **lept**_ **together.**

The only thing they didn’t do during that time was shower and change together. It had been such a hassle for L to secure Light’s chain in the bedroom every time. Light had wondered why he bothered. Why did L care whether or not they saw each other naked? They were both men, right? It was no different than going to an _onsen._

But after a couple of months, Light had begun to understand. He saw the tiny furtive glances that L tried to hide. He saw how L became ever-so-slightly flustered if their hands accidentally brushed against one another. Light had concluded that L must have believed it would be improper for them to see each other nude for the same reason that it would be inappropriate for a man and woman to do so: Because L wanted him.

Light stroked his cock slightly more quickly and sighed as he closed his eyes.

There was no way that L would be able to resist him for long.

After all, **no one** could resist him. For as long as he could remember, Light had never met a person who wasn’t enamored with him in some way. Platonic or romantic, man or woman. Classmates, teachers, strangers, family. _Everyone_ loved the perfect, charming, golden child with the angelic face and incredible mind. And if they didn’t, it was because they wished they had what he had.

That was why it was so gloriously fortunate that the power of the notebook had come to him… No one else deserved to wield it to its full potential. _No one_ else deserved to become a god, the harbinger of justice and order that the entire world would one day worship. Once he truly changed the world, humanity would kneel in the realization that they had always been waiting for him to take his rightful place as its absolute and unerring ruler.

If Light ever did a moment of self-reflection, he would surely realize that this far-reaching ambition did not originate with the Death Note. Such a grandiose sense of entitlement couldn’t have manifested out of nowhere. Delusions of grandeur had always lurked deep within his psyche, waiting for an excuse to take over. When Light had found that little black notebook, he went mad with excitement because on some subconscious level, he knew that to reform, remake, and reign over a new world had _always_ been his purpose. The otherworldly book was simply a means to achieve his potential; the potential that he had seen reflected in the eyes of every single person in his life who had looked at him in wonder, adoration, envy, or lust.

Ultimately, L was the only person in the world who had ever given him a challenge, who _didn’t_ immediately melt under Light’s words, ready to be reformed in the moment to his liking. And that was why he…

 _That’s why I love you, L,_ Light thought to himself, his face twisted up with the desperate longing that he would never let another person see.

If he could just hold L, kiss him, hear the words _“_ _I love you”_ from his lips, Light thought that it would be the most meaningful expression of love he’d ever experienced. Light had grown up surrounded by admirers, but he could never reciprocate affection that was so easy to gain... and that was based entirely on _lies._ Even before becoming Kira, he lied constantly to everyone around him, performing emotions that he did not feel, demonstrating concern when he had none. But no, his relationship with L would not be like that; it would not be hollow and cheap. It would be honest and true, and it would be the reward for his hard-earned efforts to make the man be honest about his feelings – no matter what horrors had to take place to get there.

Light imagined his ideal future: He imagined L as a tender, loving, submissive partner who would help Kira rather than hinder him. Side by side, leading the world into a shining new age of unity, prosperity, and justice. Not only his pet, but also his confidante and trusted adviser…

Light tightened his grip on his length as his mind fell deeper into his most private and secret world of fantasy. He imagined Kira ruling publicly and speaking about the next phase of progress for the world – _**My**_ _world –_ from within a grandiose temple constructed in His honor. He would pace along a raised platform while enrapturing the audience with his magnetic charisma, teasing the people towards the front who would want so _desperately_ to climb up and touch their god, but who knew their place and would never do so. And the best part: His dearest pet L would stand dutifully behind him, next to an unoccupied, ornately decorated throne. L would proudly wear nothing except for a fine, glittering collar with a leash attached. He would look demurely towards the floor, his thick black hair obscuring his eyes. After the speech ends, Kira would seat himself confidently in the throne and pull his darling into his lap for a deep kiss, eliciting a wanton moan from L, his pampered treasure. Amongst the gathered mass of adoring followers, some would cheer, some would cry out in envy, and some would simply mutter prayers to _Kira-sama,_ _Kami-sama_ _..._

A bead of precum leaked from his tip and he felt close –

...

– But it was cut short by the sound of the front door slamming shut and the odd noise of a deep, guttural scream of glee. There were muffled noises of conversation and loud repeated _thudding –_ Clearly _,_ Misa was home and Ryuk had probably ripped open a grocery bag in desperation looking for the apples.

Light growled. He really disliked being interrupted. He supposed he could just finish up here in privacy while Misa put the groceries away, but now his train of thought was derailed and he found it difficult to get back into it. He was suddenly distracted by thoughts of _that stupid girl..._

His thoughts drifted to what L had said about her earlier. _Was_ she simply jealous? He had to admit that it was a convincing explanation for Misa’s vitriol towards L. And Misa had not been shy about her willingness to murder any girl who she perceived as a threat to their relationship, so who was to say that she wouldn’t do the same to a _man?_

Honestly, Light was angry with himself for not considering it as a possibility. But he did not linger on these self-critical thoughts. His mind unconsciously projected this anger onto Misa.

He realized that he had a lot of reasons to be angry with her. The way she had fucked up early on, being the entire reason why the two of them had to go into confinement in the first place. Her refusal to help during the Yotsuba investigation. Quitting her job in favor of drinking all the time, embarrassing him by being wasted in front of the Task Force. That insolent tone she occasionally directed towards him, including earlier today making _him,_ a god, feel powerless when speaking with her. And of course, interrupting him now…

And to top it all off, how dare she think she has the right to kill Light’s trophy, his precious L?!

Misa had forgotten her place. Light had grown too comfortable and failed to control her properly. He had to remind her of what she was, of what she would always be. Her status was lower than L. She didn’t even deserve to be called his pet – she was nothing more than a tool for him to use. A tool had no agency; it was just an extension of its owner.

His erection throbbed. It was so close to release. Light realized how he could solve two problems at once.

* * *

Light uncomfortably stuffed himself back into his pants and rather awkwardly stood up. He walked through the living room, ignoring Ryuk who was gorging himself like a starved animal on a pile of apples strewn about the floor. He reached the kitchen where Misa stood on the opposite side of the room, his back to him as she faced the counter and busied herself with organizing the groceries. She wore a simple black sweater and tight-fitting jeans.

She heard his entrance and spoke without turning around, “Hey Light. How’s it going?”

She pulled a loaf of bread out of a grocery bag and placed it into a cupboard. Light did not respond. His eyes continued to bore into the back of Misa’s skull.

Misa began to feel the tension in the room. She turned her head to look at Light over her shoulder. Her heart skipped a beat upon seeing the silent death glare trained upon her.

Misa spoke quietly, “...Is something wrong?”

“You and I need to have a talk. Come with me.”

“Um... Can it wait until I’m finished putting things away?”

Light exhaled in irritation and his fists clenched. He approached her swiftly. Misa turned around fully to face him in surprise, and he pressed himself against her, pushing her uncomfortably into the countertop behind her. He grabbed her wrists and pinned them against the surface’s hard edge. Misa looked up fearfully. Light looked down upon her, his eyes glittering with a threat that did not remain unspoken for long.

Light spoke sharply, “Misa, I need to make something very clear that you seem to have forgotten.” He pressed her wrists harder against the counter. Misa winced in pain and her heart rate began to increase, disliking the feeling of being restrained.

To her relief, Light released his grip on Misa’s wrists. But his menacing voice continued, “The only reason I keep you _alive_ is for you to follow my orders and execute my will. That means that when I tell you to do something, you **do it.** Now...” He stepped to the side, moved his hand behind her back, and roughly shoved her forward. She almost lost her balance, but managed to remain standing.

“...I said, come with me.”

Light walked out of the kitchen and Misa followed.

* * *

Misa’s legs trembled in fear and her heart pounded. Light didn’t normally act like this, and she was not entirely certain what to expect. However, the fear intermingled with a curious thrill. Because when Light had pinned her to the counter…

She could feel the hardness in his pants pressing against her stomach.

 _Does Light finally want  me? _ Misa thought, her heart filling with joy.

This was the moment that Misa had been waiting for ever since she first laid eyes on Light. When she spotted the one face with only a name in the crowd of lifespans, she was thunderstruck. She could not believe her luck that Kira, the person who she admired above all else, was an attractive man her age! After she met him in person at his house, after they spoke ( _even his voice is beautiful,_ she had thought) and he kissed her ( _what soft lips_ ), she was nearly mad with desire. She had gone home that night and asked Rem to give her space. She had touched herself for hours to sweet thoughts of him on top of her, moving sensually against her body and enrapturing her eyes with his piercing amber gaze.

Half of her lifespan had been a small price to pay. She would do _anything_ for him because everything about him was too perfect to be real. It was like he really was sent from the heavens.

But after the confinement, Misa had stopped feeling such things. She had thought she was … broken. That is, until that night a few weeks ago when she overheard Light rambling to himself about his plans for L. Afterwards, those forgotten lustful thoughts had awoken within her, but morphed into something darker and more twisted. Her mind and body began blending innocent sensuality with impurity, with violence, with a fixation on domination and submission. Recently her mind had, frequently and intrusively, presented her with a cocktail of imagined sensations: the pleasure of soft kisses, the pain of Light’s hands squeezing her body, and the sound of L’s screams.

Experiencing Light behave so sternly and aggressively towards her was currently making that confusing part of her stir.

When she saw him go into the bedroom, her breathing quickened and she struggled to contain her excitement. She followed him inside and he closed the door behind her before moving to stand imposingly in front of the trembling woman.

Misa remained silent and did not make any moves, careful to not push her luck. She did, however, allow her eyes to drink in the sight of the man before her, standing nonchalantly with his hands in his pockets. He was tall and naturally fit, effortlessly well-dressed in a fitted yet comfortable crimson collared shirt. The sleeves were just slightly rolled up, revealing toned forearms and his favorite watch decorating his left wrist. Elegant mahogany-colored locks framed a soft, deceptively beautiful face whose angled brown eyes stared down at her in smirking condescension.

 _However_ _you_ _want to take me,_ _whatever_ _you want to_ _do to me_ _,_ _oh god_ _please just touch me!_ Misa’s mind begged.

Light, meanwhile, calmly observed her heaving chest and the wide eyes that openly raked over his body… _God_ _s_ _he’s_ _so desperate it’s pathetic._ _She’s_ _just_ _like everyone else._ _Too easy._

Despite these derisive thoughts, he did appreciate that the tiny blonde did not make any noise and did not attempt to touch him.

Finally, he spoke in a quiet, firm voice, “Get on your knees.”

Misa practically fell onto the floor in her haste to obey. Light chuckled, “My my, you’re really on your best behavior now, hm? What are you hoping to gain, Misa?”

Misa rapidly wracked her mind for the correct response. She was terrified of saying the wrong thing, of ruining her chance. What did he want to hear? She didn’t know… She opened her mouth to speak, and then closed it again in indecision.

Apparently she thought for too long because Light grabbed her chin roughly and forced her to look up at him, craning her neck uncomfortably as he said impatiently, “I asked you a question.”

Misa spit out a response that she thought was safe, “I just want to make you happy.”

Light laughed at this obviously forced answer. He thought about her behavior as of late. He thought about all the reasons why he was angry with her. That she simply wanted to ‘make him happy’ didn’t track.

“That’s not an honest answer,” Light said.

Misa replied, distressed, “But I _do_ want to make you happy! Of course I do!”

Light loosened his grip on Misa’s chin and rubbed her cheek with his thumb softly, yet possessively. “Oh, I know you do. You live for me, don’t you?”

Misa nodded – she had given him everything. What was the point of it all if she displeased the person who it was all for?

Light reiterated, “But my _question_ was ‘What are you hoping to gain’ in this moment? And I can tell quite clearly that you currently want something for yourself. So you were not entirely truthful.”

“But--”

“And besides,” Light interrupted as he released Misa’s face and slowly walked in a circle around her, “You have been doing a poor job of ‘making me happy’ lately. In fact, you’ve rather pissed me off.”

Misa furrowed her brow and replied uncertainly, “Is this… Because I poured water on L? Was that bad?”

Light rolled his eyes in annoyance, “No, I don’t give a shit about that,” _Actually, that was kind of cute,_ he mused privately with a brief begrudging smile. Pushing that thought away, he commanded, “Now stop talking unless I ask you a question.”

Misa quieted. She was frustrated, yet frightened, yet so very excited. Was she excited _because_ she was afraid? It was difficult to tell where one feeling ended and another began.

Light completed his circling around his prey and looked down at her, silently appraising her. _She’s just a bit too short for this to work with me standing up._ He moved to the armchair in the corner of the bedroom and sat down, staring at Misa’s back. Misa did not like not being able to see what Light was doing, but she worried he would be angry if she moved without permission so – she stayed still.

After a brief but uncomfortable silence, Light spoke, “I suppose I have to explain to you how you’ve disappointed me, because you’re too stupid to figure it out yourself.” Although he was speaking to a woman two years his senior, his tone was that of a parent disciplining a child. “First, there’s the fact that the entire reason we were ever confined by L in the first place was due to **your** mistake. Then, there was that time … oh, 3 months ago or so, when you screamed at me in Task Force headquarters while absolutely drunk out of your mind, just like you _always_ were. Your constant intoxication was quite embarrassing for me, you know. Then, we come to today. You spoke to me quite disrespectfully before you fed L, you stalled when I ordered you to come with me to the bedroom, and just now you did not answer my question honestly.”

Misa was hurt. Tears sprung to her eyes. If he was so angry about all this, why was he speaking up only just _now_? It was like he had been waiting for Misa to commit enough transgressions for him to justify treating her with such cruelty.

Her stressed mind raced, _Oh i_ _s that it, Light? You think you’re the great_ _J_ _udge of the world so you couldn’t_ _chastise_ _Misa_ _until_ _she_ _was ‘bad enough’?_

She was about to speak up, to protest and argue, to defend herself, but that Other voice stopped her. _Shh. He gave you a strict order not to speak._

_But… He’s making it all about him! He doesn’t care about Misa’s feelings at all, the insensitive asshole!_

_So?_ _He deserves to treat you however he likes._ _You should be_ _thankful_ _that a god pays any attention to you._ _Don’t disappoint him further, you_ _ungrateful, worthless--_

Light pulled Misa back to reality with the order to “Come here.”

Misa moved to stand but a stern voice admonished her, “I didn’t tell you to get up.”

Misa blushed. The degrading realization that he wanted her to crawl to him made her mind spin. On her hands and knees, she turned around and slowly moved towards the armchair where Light sat patiently. She looked shyly up from the floor and spotted a barely noticeable bulge in his pants. Oh, how she wanted to see it!

“You may speak,” he said.

The physical need between Misa’s legs reminded her of its presence with a pulse. It brought the warring voices within her mind to a compromise. She sighed. Her voice was quiet, yet strong and unwavering, “Why are you being so mean to me?”

“ _Mean?”_ Light chuckled, “I’m simply telling you your mistakes. **You** are the one who committed them. And you should know that … _I_ don’t allow bad behavior to go unpunished.” A smug smile spread across Light’s face. “If you’re obedient from now on, then maybe I won’t have another reason to treat you like this. So, here’s your first test. Tell me what you want. Be truthful this time. If you lie, I’ll be **very** angry.”

_Fine. Fine! I’ll do anything if it means I finally get to……..!_

Misa looked to the floor and rubbed her hands together nervously. She squeezed her eyes shut tight as she muttered, “I … I guess… Um…. I want you to… to _touch_ me.”

“Hm. Be more specific.” Light leaned in close to speak in a low, honeyed whisper that made her shiver, “Tell me … exactly what goes through that _simple_ little head of yours when you think of me.”

He then leaned back in the chair, rested his head upon his hand, and waited.

Misa’s blush deepened. She had no sexual experience, so she wasn’t even entirely sure what precisely she wanted. And the idea of describing it was so embarrassing! She took a deep breath and attempted to describe the vague images that sometimes appeared in her mind (well, some of them, only the ones she thought were ‘acceptable’).

“Um… Well… I want you to take my shirt off and then touch my … My ….” Misa grabbed her own clothed breasts to articulate it, unable to say the word. “And… I want you to kiss me, I want you to leave kisses all over my body. And then I want your hands to come down _here...”_ she grabbed her crotch through her jeans. With her voice building in speed and confidence, she continued, “...so you can …. so you can … _oh….”_ she swallowed, “so you can rub my wetness all over your fingers and then plunge them **inside** of me!” she moaned and found herself doing her best to rub her hand against that sensitive region through her clothing.

“How nice,” Light mocked, “And do you think you deserve all of that?”

Misa thought seriously about that for a moment, but agreed with herself on the answer.

“… No …. I am a bad girl.” In her excitement, these words gave her a strange thrill.

“That’s right. So, you won’t be getting any of that tonight. Now. Look at me,” Light demanded roughly.

Misa looked up into his eyes which stared down at her with nothing but cold contempt. Misa trembled. She was disappointed that Light seemed to only want to berate and tease her tonight, but not entirely surprised. _And besides, this_ _**is** _ _the most attention he’s ever given me… It’s not_ _all_ _bad…._ _Not at all…_

“Tell me Misa, what is your purpose? Why are you alive?” Light asked.

Misa was confident about that answer. During her very worst moments, this was her only anchor to life. “ _You_ are my reason for living. My _purpose_ is to serve you. Light, I’ve sacrificed my life for you. I would do anything, be anything you need or want. I am yours to use. I am your Eyes; I am your hands; I am a tool to help you achieve everything you want… Everything you _deserve…”_

Light smiled, pleased at receiving the correct answer. “That’s right. You’re a weapon that belongs to me. And … Who am I?”

“… Kira.”

Light didn’t seem satisfied with this answer and expressed this with a raised eyebrow.

“… Kira- _sama._ Savior of the world,” Misa whispered like a prayer. Her underwear was soaked through.

Light closed his eyes and exhaled quietly. The affirmation of his identity made his semi-hard cock twitch. “That’s right. And so, it’s quite unacceptable for me of all people to have a defective tool. And so that’s why I get so angry when you disobey me, when you act rudely towards me. And ...”

Light leaned forward slightly and folded his hands in his lap before finishing his sentence with a foreboding air, “… when you _hide things from me…_ Especially about _L.”_

Misa’s eyes widened. She felt fear and this time, it was **not** mixed with arousal. “Wh… What do you mean? Wh.. What about L?”

Light examined her suspiciously, searching for a hint of true intent behind her eyes. But he saw nothing but hurt and fear. _No… I_ _don’t believe she is consciously planning to kill L. But, she still might_ _in an act of passion._

Still, he felt like twisting a knife into her heart just for the fun of it. It would be a long time before L would be vulnerable to his cruel comments – she would satiate him in the meantime. He replied coldly, “You’re the one with the secret. Why don’t you tell me?”

“I’m not hiding anything!” Misa protested loudly, her voice breaking. “I swear, please! I love you, I need you, you’re _everything_ to me, please believe me...” Tears began to fall from her eyes once again.

Light grinned viciously. He reveled in playing with the poor girl’s emotions, in knowing exactly _why_ she was swinging from one extreme to another, between arousal and tears, and being the cause of it. _This is how it should be; with me in control._ Light took a deep breath. He was enjoying the satisfying fluttering of his heart that until now had only ever happened when he killed and when he looked at his imprisoned L. He leaned down and gently stroked Misa’s head, which shook with her cries.

He spoke to her in his most charming, deep, sugary voice. Misa welcomed it as it wrapped itself around her mind like a warm blanket, muffling her sinful thoughts that spoke ill of him and made her misbehave.

“Shh. It’s alright. You can make it _all_ up to me. I’ve thought of a new use for you. You like being useful to me, don’t you sweetheart?”

“ _Yes! Please!”_ Misa sobbed.

“Then close your eyes.”

Misa obeyed. She heard the sound of a zipper, and suddenly Light’s hand was tangled in her hair, yanking her head into his lap where she felt a warm, fleshy rod pressing against her cheek. She gasped and involuntarily, her eyes fluttered open, catching her first glimpse of a man’s most intimate region.

Light yanked her hair painfully, saying icily “I **told** you to close your eyes. Can’t you follow simple instructions?”

Misa squeezed her eyes shut and whispered, “ _I’m sorry.”_

Light told her, _“_ I’m going to use your mouth, and you _aren’t_ going to look. I know you want to see, you pathetic desperate thing. But you don’t deserve that privilege yet. Understand?”

Misa whimpered and nodded, her thoughts panicked, _I’ve never done this before! I don’t know how. And he won’t even let me look? It’s not fair. I’m going to screw it up and make him angrier…_ _But maybe that’s what he wants_ _so he can hurt me more_ _…?_

She then felt her head being lifted and moved slightly, and she felt the warm, rather soft head of Light’s cock pressing against her lips, demanding entrance.

“What, do I have to tell you _everything?_ Open. Your mouth.”

Nervous butterflies in her stomach, Misa complied and felt her mouth be invaded as Light pushed her head down onto his semi-hard erection. She made a small noise of surprise at the sensation, but suppressed the urge to open her eyes.

“Use your tongue too,” Light commanded.

She did her best to obey, and moved her tongue around the spongy head that was inside her mouth. She heard a quiet moan from above her.

Encouraged by his sound of satisfaction, she moved her own head down further, consuming more until the tip pressed against the entrance to her throat and her mouth _almost_ reached his pelvis, which she could tell only by the tickle of pubic hair on her nose. She continued moving her tongue, massaging the bottom of his cock as she swallowed to allow it to slide deeper, into her throat, until her nose pressed against his crotch. She began to bob up and down, taking it in and out.

Soon, she was amazed to feel it _grow!_ She had thought that it was already fully erect when she caught a brief glimpse of it earlier. It already seemed quite formidable then. But she marveled at the fantastic feeling of a cock expanding and hardening inside her mouth as she lavished attention upon it. The flesh became completely rigid, not just mostly hard. Save for the very tip, it no longer had any give against her tongue whatsoever. And although she couldn’t see, her sense of touch informed her that a much smaller proportion of the full length was now inside her mouth. She now had to stretch her mouth fully open to accommodate the girth, her nose no longer came close to reaching Light’s crotch, and there was no longer any way she could fit its thickness into her throat. She reached her hand up and wrapped it around the portion of the length that was now in between her mouth and his balls, and she was baffled that her entire hand fit in the space. She was absolutely thrilled to see how big it would be once she was allowed to open her eyes.

A louder groan emerged from Light, filling Misa with pride. _He likes it!!_ She thought happily with a quiet squeal of glee.

The knowledge that she was getting him off quickly started to get _her_ off, too. She moaned and her clitoris pulsed with heat, begging for stimulation. Maintaining her left hand’s grip on Light’s cock and without interrupting her work with her mouth, she moved her free hand down to unbutton her pants and slide inside. Reaching the hot sopping wetness that had ruined her underwear earlier, she slid her index and middle finger across her slit and moaned again as she felt how slick it was. She had never gotten anywhere _near_ this wet when masturbating on her own. She located her enlarged bud and gently flicked it with her middle finger in quick repeating motions, sending a bolt of electricity through her body. She moaned louder around Light’s hard thickness that completely filled her mouth and challenged her to not let her teeth graze it.

But meanwhile – Light became infuriated that Misa took even the smallest amount of control from him. His plan was to use her as if she was nothing more than an object, a fucktoy for him to get off on while his thoughts ventured elsewhere, to a more interesting person who was actually worthy of his attention. He didn’t expect her to be _so damn good at it_ once she got going. More importantly, he was particularly offended to see her hand down her own pants, rubbing and moaning like an animal in heat. With Misa touching herself and giving herself release, it was like the roles were flipped and _she_ was the one using _him._ That was unacceptable!

He had let this go on for too long. He overcame his moment of weakness, gritting his teeth through the incredible pleasure that Misa was giving him and pulled the girl off of him. “Stop,” he said roughly.

Misa opened her eyes and looked at him, eyes glazed over in pleasure and confusion. She continued to absentmindedly play with herself under her jeans. Her eyes flicked down to his length and she inhaled deeply at the size.

Light immediately reacted, “Eyes **closed!** Am I going to have to blindfold you, you useless idiot?!”

“No!” Misa squeezed her eyes shut and panic edged into her voice, “Please don’t blindfold me, **please** don’t do that. Anything but that. I’m so sorr--”

Light interrupted her apologies and pleas, “Enough! And stop touching yourself, you… _whore.”_

Misa removed her hand from her pants and whimpered very quietly. Light could see that her finger glistened with the sheen of a woman’s arousal. He smirked at the visible evidence of how much she needed him, as if he didn’t already know it.

Light spoke loudly and aggressively, **“I’ll** decide how deep I go, not you. You just. You just sit there and I’ll fuck your mouth. Don’t do anything except move your tongue. And don’t you _dare_ fucking touch yourself again without my permission.”

Misa mumbled an _mm’hmm_ to indicate her understanding, and then Light grabbed her head with both hands. He roughly and quickly shoved his fully erect cock into her mouth until it hit the natural resistance at the front of her throat.

“Disobeying me and disrespecting me constantly. Useless. Worthless. I should replace you,” Light muttered. His words cut Misa more deeply than any physical abuse could, and he knew it.

He wrapped one hand around her throat and squeezed tightly, hard enough to cut off airflow. Misa did not open her eyes or move away. He smirked at her lack of self preservation.

He continued, “Your life belongs to me. I could kill you whenever I wanted to, whether that be by writing your name or just choking you to death right here and now. I could easily find someone more than willing to take your place.”

Misa still did not move or protest, aching to prove her loyalty. Finally, he released his hold on her throat and pulled out until only the tip sat between her full lips. Misa took a deep breath through her nose.

She did not get respite for long, however. After she caught her breath Light grabbed her head and shoved himself inside once again. And this time, he did not stop when he met resistance. He was only about halfway inside her, but he wanted to use her fully. And so he pressed forward, entering Misa’s throat, slowly pushing inside until he was fully sheathed.

Misa gagged and Light groaned deeply. He had never done this before. He wasn’t sure what was more incredible, more addicting – the physical sensation of being surrounded by a tight throat, or the mental stimulation of utterly dominating and using a person for his pleasure.

Light leaned down, his hands on Misa’s head, and spoke with venom, “But you’d never do the same to me, would you? You’d _never_ kill me. And that’s because you’re nothing without me, nothing. What would you do without me? Probably kill yourself. You should be worshiping the ground I walk on, you stupid, common, insignificant bitch."

He pulled out just enough for Misa to cough and take a breath, before shoving himself back into the hot constriction of her throat.

“In fact, you won’t just not _kill_ me – You will not _disappoint_ me anymore. You won’t do **anything** that isn’t what. I. Want. My little pet in the basement? You’re going to hurt him only exactly as much as I say and absolutely no further.”

He squeezed her neck once again, harder than last time. Her windpipe constricted and his length filled all of the space within her throat. Misa truly thought she might pass out. Distantly she heard him demand, “Do you understand??” and so she nodded. He released his hold on her neck.

Misa’s throat convulsed around Light’s cock and she worried that she would lose control of her gag reflex. Light must have sensed this as well because he pulled out and began fucking only her mouth once again. He grasped the portion of his cock that wouldn’t fit and began stroking it in time with his thrusts into Misa’s mouth. He was essentially masturbating into Misa’s mouth, which was precisely what he wanted. She was just an object, a tool for him to use, nothing more. She might as well not even be here...

Light closed his eyes, leaned back in the chair, and let his thoughts wander. He picked up where he had left off in the fantasy from earlier, when he had been interrupted. He imagined that beautiful, naked, collared, _brilliant_ broken man kneeling in between his god’s legs. What was once a strong-willed detective, hell-bent on bringing Kira to “justice,” now had his lips happily wrapped around his enemy’s dick. He heard his admirers pray for the blessings of Kira-sama while his most prized possession dutifully sucked his divine member and looked up at him with shining, adoring eyes that pleaded for the taste of his master’s release.

He whispered quietly, in the real world, _“Fuck yes, that’s a good boy.”_

 _Boy??_ Misa thought.

“ _I’m almost there,”_ he whispered again, and Misa’s heart broke because his voice was far away. He wasn’t talking to her.

He gasped and quickly pulled out of Misa’s mouth, opening his eyes and deigning to look at her for the final moment. He smiled sadistically – She coughed and gasped, tears stained her cheeks, her neck was bruised, and she looked to be in extreme discomfort from suppressing her gag reflex. He then closed his eyes again and let out a final, unrestrained growling groan as he shot rivulets of cum across the face of the tortured woman who had given him so much for so little in return.

“You’re mine,” he gasped as he shot another stream of cum. “ _He’s mine,”_ another shot, “It’ll _all_ be mine. _Everything,”_ He moaned one last time and slumped in the chair, breathing heavily.

* * *

A minute passed. Misa did not open her eyes or move. She simply waited, suppressing sobs that sat like rocks in her abused throat.

Finally Light said, “You can open your eyes now. Get out. Go clean yourself up.”

Misa silently moved to leave.

“Oh wait, one more thing,” Light said while tucking himself back into his pants.

She paused at the door, but did not turn around. She didn’t want to look at him.

“You’re free to do whatever you like to L this evening. He irritated me earlier. He’s been biting me, the asshole. Just – no permanent damage. And it should go without saying, but maybe I need to tell you explicitly... _D_ _on’t kill him._ ”

Misa did not respond. She walked into the bathroom and looked at her reflection in the mirror with scorn. She touched the seed that coated her face and she gently examined the bruises that decorated her neck. She thought about his heartless words, his rough treatment, and the fact that even though the evidence of his selfish pleasure was all over her face – he **still** had thought of _**L**_ in the end….

She removed her clothes. Turned on the shower. Sat on the floor and cried.


	9. ECHO

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Misa takes out her frustration on L Lawliet. But who is she really angry at?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warnings: Bodily harm is done to L. 
> 
> hmm I don’t have much to say. This chapter is pretty chaotic... But it’s about time to meet L’s torturer, eh? Surely you all saw this chapter coming, right?

Misa haphazardly rummaged through the drawers of the kitchen. She was sexually frustrated and emotionally torn.

_It's all because of him! **L.** Light never treated Misa so cruelly before. That horrible man has just got Light all confused and twisted up inside. L is the one who deserves that kind of thing. That’s the whole reason why he’s **here,** isn’t it?!_

But then, that damned Other chimed in, _Oh stop whining, you dumb slut. You loved every second of it._

 _What?!_ Misa thought back, appalled, _Misa most certainly did not like it! And she does not appreciate being called names!_

 _You’re a dirty liar on both counts,_ it replied.

_Why on earth would Misa-Misa enjoy such degrading treatment?!_

_Hmm. Maybe because everyone who has ever met ‘Misa-Misa,’_ the voice mocked her pathetic use of her dead nickname, _has treated you like a flawless, untouchable angel. Your parents, your teachers, your fans… Everyone just **loves** you, don’t they…? _

Misa interjected, _So what? Is Misa supposed to feel bad about being likeable?_

_...But the truth is that you’re a literal murderer who gleefully dreams of torturing the kidnapped man held prisoner in your home. Even before all of this, before you found the notebook, you knew thatyou were capable of terrible things. After your parents murder, after the incident with the stalker… You had violent thoughts from time to time._

_Shut up, stop, please,_ Misa begged.

But It mercilessly continued, _Could it be that you’re just thrilled have someone who gives you your long-overdue punishment? Someone who sees through your cute mask into your filthy, rotten soul. **Kira** is the truest judge of character, after all… So what he says about you must be correct, and what he does to you must be just. It certainly feels that way, doesn’t it? Finally, someone is being honest with you. Admit it: It feels good to be abused because **it’s what you deserve.**_

“ **Fuck you! I said shut up!!!”** Misa shouted out loud, the sound reverberating off of the walls of the bunker.

L looked at her in alarm.

Misa glanced at her surroundings in surprise and both voices wondered, _When did I get here?_

She became conscious of a weight in her right hand. She looked down. She was holding a steel kitchen hammer.

* * *

* * *

L had been letting his mind wander freely, considering other possible angles for turning his aggressors against each other, in case the jealousy angle didn’t up working out. Flashbacks jumped in and out of his vision as he sought the answer, some secret key to unlocking their young minds.

 _Light told me once that he had always wanted to be a detective like me, catching criminals._ _He told me that working with me to catch Kira was a dream come true._ _Was_ _that just a complete lie to get me to trust him?_ _Or does some small part of him_ _actually_ _admire me? It could be the underlying reason for his obsession; perhaps it’s not so simple as wishing to dominate his enemy._ _If he truly looks up to me, then perhaps_ _I can get him to see the error of his ways…_

L scoffed at his own train of thought, _No. Why am I indulging myself with_ _such a_ _pointless_ _idea_ _. He’s already killed thousands including dozens of innocents. He’s too far gone._ _But perhaps… I could snap Misa out of it?_ _Perhaps she isn’t as sociopathic as the original Kira._ _Her motives for killing were simply out of admiration for Kira, and she’s only here because she wants revenge for what_ _ **I**_ _did to her._ _Maybe if I just … Apologize--_

– And that’s when the steel door had heaved open revealing Misa’s small frame.

L sardonically mumbled, “Come to pour water on me agai--”

– But then he saw the hammer, and the words died in his mouth.

......

Misa didn’t respond or react to his half-formed question. She just stood there, looking at him. Except it seemed like she was looking _through_ him. Her eyes were glazed over with unfocused rage – or… Something else? Her face twitched sporadically. Occasionally, her mouth moved as if forming words, but no sound emerged.

L watched this disturbing display for at least a full minute. Maybe two. He observed the bruises on her neck and the puffiness around her eyes. _Light hurt her._ _She’s been crying. Perhaps my jealousy story did work?_ But he felt no pity; only fear. His stomach turned and his heart raced. His mind switched gears to search in vain for a way to escape his inescapable fate.

With no forewarning whatsoever, Misa abruptly slammed the hammer against the steel door, and _screamed_ at someone to “shut up!” The sound of her shrieking voice and steel on steel made L’s restrained arms twitch, briefly wishing to fulfill the instinct to cover his ears.

The woman then glanced around with an obviously confused expression on her face. She even took note of the hammer she was holding as if it was her first time seeing it.

 _Of course, I’ve read about this,_ L thought, cataloging this new information, _She appears to be exhibiting signs of psychological dissociation, common in those who have experienced trauma. Misa Amane is even more mentally unstable than I had assumed. I must bear that in mind._

Misa’s eyes snapped back to L with a renewed focus. She breathed heavily. Her face contorted into a vicious snarl. She advanced rapidly towards L, who positioned himself into a crouched defensive stance as best he could.

Misa came to a halt directly in front of L and flung the arm that held the hammer up above her head.

L flinched and recoiled, closing his eyes and tucking his head into his chest as he braced for impact, and –

– Nothing came.

After a beat, L slowly raised his head and looked up. Misa had lowered the hammer. For a moment, he thought that perhaps she’d come to her senses – But one look at her face told him otherwise. _She’s_ _toying_ _with me,_ he thought.

Misa stared down at L with a curled smile and playful, predatory eyes that L could have sworn sparked red like Kira’s had. _No,_ _that’s insane._ _E_ _yes don’t change color – I must not lose my grip on_ _reality_ _._

Then, small giggles began to bubble up from her throat. She brought her left hand to her face and slowly raked her own jagged, bitten fingernails down her cheek. This action left angry red marks on her face as she laughed harder, finally releasing all of the pent-up wild energy within her, arms held wide and head held high to face the florescent-lit ceiling as the sound of her unrestrained insanity echoed.

L willed his breath to stay steady.

And then –

She swung the hammer down upon L’s left shoulder with a _thump._

It came without warning or hesitation. L yelped, really more out of surprise than pain, and thought, _Shit, she’s really going to do it, isn’t she?_

L looked up at Misa, who viewed her handiwork with a slight pout, clearly thinking to herself that she could do worse. And so, she grasped the hammer with _both_ hands and poised herself to deliver another blow to his opposite side.

L cried out in an attempt to stop her, “Amane-san, stop! You… You don’t have to do this!”

Misa appeared to think for a moment, and then lowered her hands. She touched her left hand to her scratched cheek and performed an exaggerated expression of guilt. “Oh, gee! What am I doing? I’m sooo sorry, _Ryuuzaki-kun._ Since you told me to stop, I guess I will.”

L seethed, already sick of her cruel sarcasm.

Misa then giggled girlishly, raised the hammer with both hands again, and shouted with sing-song childlike excitement, “Nope, I changed my mind! Don’t you know... We’re just getting **started!”** She punctuated this by swinging the blunt instrument down hard towards L’s other shoulder - -

But L maneuvered out of the way just in time. His arms were cuffed behind his back, but the chain attached to his collar afforded him some limited movement. It wasn’t long enough for him to stand any taller than on his knees, but he could move in about a 2 foot radius. His practice of capoeira had taught him to be quite nimble in crouched positions.

Misa snarled and swung the hammer towards L once more, which he again dodged, something that Misa did not consider to be possible once, much less twice!

“How the _fuck?!_ Hold **still!”** She yelled shrilly.

L chuckled as he dodged yet another of Misa’s clearly-telegraphed swings. _She’ll surely figure out how to land a hit soon, bu_ _t if she’s going to play with me, I might as well play with her too_ _,_ L thought.

“That’s one hit and three misses, Amane-san! You need to work on your accuracy,” L chastised, suppressing a laugh.

Misa growled in frustration and moved to try once again, but L spotted an opening in her poor stance. _She’s clearly never fought a person in her life,_ L thought. In the blink of an eye, he dropped to his bottom and hooked a leg under Misa’s ankle, yanking his leg inwards.

Misa stumbled, dropping to one knee.

“You’ll never get your black belt at this rate!” L snorted with laughter.

Misa blushed in embarrassment and anger. She growled, stood up and looked down at L, considering him for a minute before gracing him with a sly smile.

She said quietly, a whisper compared to her previous screaming, “You stupid, stupid bastard. You really don’t know what’s good for you, do you? You’ll regret that.”

Misa reached her hand over the top of L’s head and grabbed the chain from behind, careful to keep her arm out of reach from his mouth. She walked herself around to his back. L started to rotate his body, aiming to prevent the erratic woman from getting out of his line of sight, but Misa countered this movement by swiftly wrapping the excess length of the chain around his neck as he moved. She _pulled._

Strangled, choked sounds came from L as Misa maintained her grip on the chain. He wriggled, trying to break free, but every motion he did only served to make the chain’s deathgrip on his neck tighten. He was helpless without the use of his arms. Black spots appeared in his vision and his head became hot, filling with more and more pressure, feeling as if it might explode. With L severely weakened from asphyxiation, Misa was able to leverage her minimal body weight to shove L to the floor. His chin brutally collided with the concrete. L tasted blood and groaned.

Sitting on top of L’s back, Misa released her hold on the chain in order to hold the hammer with two hands once again. She grunted as she finally slammed it down upon his left shoulder.

Metal connected with bone with a horrid _**crunc**_ _ **h.**_ Misa gasped as she lifted her hands again and swung the hammer down upon his shoulder _again,_ this time causing a _**snap**_ **.** L wailed in anguish, a grotesque contrast to the cackles of mirth above him. He could not see his shoulder but he guessed that it had been broken. It throbbed with a screaming, splitting ache that made him entirely forget about the trivial pain in his chin.

L focused on trying to get Misa off of him. She was small and weak enough that it wasn’t impossible. But – as soon as he tried to move onto his side to knock her off, she shifted her weight on top of his ruined shoulder both to counteract the motion, and to incapacitate L with pain. He screamed. She pulled on the chain until he saw spots again.

“Stop trying to move, dumbass,” Misa said derisively as she loosened her grip. “I wouldn’t have to choke you if you’d stop being difficult.”

L coughed and sucked in desperate gulps of air. “So I should – just lie here – and let you – torture me?!” He tried to shout, but his voice came out raspy and punctuated with gasps.

Misa grabbed L’s hair and lifted his head up, which at this angle meant pulling it painfully backwards. L squirmed.

She leaned in close and whispered viciously into his ear, “Well, yes... You should do just that… After all, isn’t that what you did to me? Except – well, I didn’t have a choice. I didn’t have the _ability_ to move out of the way of your little needles and sharp instruments.”

“AND,” Misa’s volume sharply increased as she suddenly smashed his forehead into the dirty concrete, “At _least_ I’m not so much of a **coward** that I’m not willing to get my hands dirty myself!” She lifted his head once more, again whispering to him with so much malice that it came out as a hiss, “You never even touched me, did you L? You just _watched,_ you fucking sick **bastard!”** One more slam for good measure.

L screamed in agony. His head spun, he couldn’t see straight, and he felt a thick trickle of blood on his forehead. He tried to think of an intelligent response, tried to weigh his options and come up with something that would rattle her without getting him killed. But any attempt to think was drowned out by the unbelievable crushing pain of his bludgeoned head. If one could hear pain, his shoulder was a whisper and his head was a jackhammer.

He sensed her moving to prepare to damage some other part of his body. Each time she’d hurt him so far, it had been worse than the last time. He found himself wishing shamefully and irrationally that Light would stop her, would protect him.

The instinct of fear hijacked L’s consciousness. Before he even recognized that he was doing it, his voice broke and he begged for mercy with tears in his eyes. “No, stop! Please don’t! What do you even _want_ from me?!”

Misa pulled lightly on the chain, just enough to remind L not to move – and then took a moment to lean her head back, run a hand through her hair and sigh deeply, pleasurably. Sitting on top of him while he begged for her to stop hurting him, her hand tangled around his chain… Erratic giggles spilled from from her throat and she ran a hand down her body, relishing in the tingling goosebumps this sensation of power was giving her.

The petite sadist leaned down and whispered with a quiet chuckle, “You just gave me what I want, my dear L… I _wanted_ to hear you beg for me to stop. So that you would know how _**I**_ felt, when I begged for _**you**_ to stop….”

To emphasize her point, she kneaded her elbow into L’s broken left shoulder. His horrific screams and broken sobs filled the small room.

“And you _**didn’t stop.**_ So why should I?!” Misa yelled, a cheshire smile on her face as she enthusiastically exacerbated the wound.

This made something within L snap. In his internal battle of fight versus flight, the former had not yet entirely given up. In an instant he was flooded with adrenaline and rage. He pulled his legs close to him and heaved his body upright, using only the strength of his abdomen and his legs for balance. Misa attempted to stop this by pressing into his wound and pulling on the chain, but L’s body was channeling absolutely everything he had into this action. Through sheer force of will, he powered through the pain and the lack of oxygen and successfully righted himself, returning to his knees. Misa slipped off of his back onto the floor behind him.

Irritated, Misa swung the hammer down upon the bottom of his left big toe, which was within easy reach now.

In a herculean display of constitution, L ignored the pain of this latest blow (and the fact that he likely now had a broken _toe_ on top of everything else). He screamed in fury, spun around, and grabbed Misa’s ear with the most reliable weapon he had in this hellhole: His teeth. He bit down hard and wrenched his head away. Misa shrieked in shock but had the sense to allow her head to be pulled towards him rather than fight against it. She jabbed the hammerhead into L’s cheek as hard as she could, knocking his head away and sending blood and spittle flying from L's mouth. Misa scrambled away from him, holding her bleeding ear in her hand, whining pathetically.

More than ready for this madness to end, L ignored the oppressive pains coursing through his body. He stared her down – glared at this unhinged, disheveled, weak animal that had laughed while it was beating him bruised and bloody. He spat blood upon the floor. _Fuck it. She doesn’t deserve an apology from me._

L screamed at her as loudly as he could, as if he were attempting to threaten a rabid dog, because that is very much what she seemed to be. “ENOUGH!! I understand what you’re getting at, you psychotic **bitch.** You are referring to when I _lawfully_ imprisoned you. That can hardly be compared to an unlawful _kidnapping!”_

Misa stood up and glared down at him. “Really now? So, it was ok when you did it because you were an authority? Is that it?” She spat hatefully.

“YES,” L replied incredulously, baffled that he had to explain this, “I had a legitimate reason for doing what I did. You are a cold-blooded _murderer_ and I was trying to stop you and your megalomaniacal accomplice. I imprisoned you in order to interrogate you in the pursuit of _justice._ You could have gotten out at any time if you had just confessed! I didn’t kidnap you out of malice and _beat_ you with a blunt object for absolutely no reason other than my own sick twisted enjoyment!”

“But you _did_ enjoy it!” Misa shrieked, “You liked seeing.. seeing...” Misa’s eyes flashed towards the camera in the corner of the room and then lowered her voice, “you liked seeing a young girl – immobilized, blinded, drugged, starved, humiliated – begging you for death.”

“I **know** you did!” she finished with a shout. She began pacing the room, breathing heavily and pulling her own hair.

Ever-observant, L mentally catalogued the proof of his suspicion – _Light is watching and listening to us. Furthermore, Misa has some sort of_ _odd_ _psychological block against telling Light the details of her internment._ _But w_ _hy?_ _What does she gain from_ _that_ _?_ _And_ _after this spectacle_ _, surely Light’s figured it out; surely it’s obvious. She’s completely irrational._

After thinking and observing Misa for a moment, L spoke up to defend himself, “What are you _on about?!_ Have you just made up all of this in your head, to... to give yourself some sort of victim complex?! I took no pleasure in what I did to you; it was simply what I had to do!”

“I am not _making it up;_ you’re lying!!” Her voice was so high pitched and loud that it hurt L’s ears. Misa kicked the wall. Again. And again. And again. And again. How many times had it been? She was getting lost in her thoughts again.

\-----

_Hahaha, I think he’s right about the victim complex, don’t you?_

_No! No! No! Misa isn’t making any of it up!!_

_Why would you have a victim complex, Misa?_

_It’s not a complex! Misa **is** a victim! He hurt Misa! He deserves to be hurt! This is justice._

‘ _Justice’ – oh, you’re funny! Don’t compare yourself to **him.** You don’t have any grander purpose for your actions. You know very well that you just want to hurt L because you hate him and it’s fun, so why are you even pretending otherwise?_

\-----

Suddenly Misa buried her face in her hands and screamed as loudly as she could until her mind was silent. L flinched but said nothing.

Misa breathed deeply. After several seconds of deep breathing, she spoke. It was clear she was making an effort to calm herself, but her voice still shook and her pitch vibrated every few words.

“You know what? I don’t care about arguing about that right now. Earlier… Earlier you admitted that your actions were justified, because it was within the rule of law! Really? Is that the truth?! Well… If what you did to me was truly lawful… Then I can’t wait for my Light to change the law.”

Due to his bleeding head, it took a moment for L to process what she just said. But then, he barked out a laugh.

“Are you kidding?? You think that Light is going on a worldwide killing spree with the end goal of outlawing _torture?_ You’re so delusional it’s absurd! _”_ L mocked.

Misa stomped her foot and protested, “You’re wrong! Light will stop many things that are unjust. He will fix the broken system that we live in today.”

“ _ **Jesus Christ, fuck,”**_ L cursed in English.

Misa furrowed her brow in confusion.

L took a deep breath, “Misa, goddamn – Why the hell do you trust Light?”

“Because I love him. Something you wouldn’t understand,” Misa replied quickly before her brain had a chance to over-complicate the answer.

 _Oh, I understand that problem better than you know,_ L thought to himself. _I guess I need to help you see why you should stop loving him, as I have, because you’re too hopelessly dense to figure it out yourself. _

L slowly explained, his voice authoritative and patient like a teacher, “Misa, listen to me carefully. Everything you accuse me of… _H_ _e_ is also guilty of. You called me a coward and a ‘fucking bastard’ for watching you be tortured on camera – But --” L looked pointedly at the camera in the room before finishing his sentence, “-- isn’t that **literally** **what Light is doing right now?”**

Misa frowned. She had no response.

“Also, you criticize me for ‘abusing my authority’ and giving you a cruel and unusual punishment. Excuse me? How is that any different from what you two are doing?! Even if I concede that Kira has some sort of innate right to be an authority in this world – which I do _not_ and I _never_ _ever_ _will_ _–_ but even if I did as you seem to, then aren’t you and Light doing exactly what you hate me for? Abusing your authority to torture me for my supposed ‘crimes?’”

Misa’s hand gripped the hammer compulsively and her wide eyes burned into L, but she was still at a loss for words. Internally, her mind was wrestling with the cognitive dissonance that L’s words were planting in her like a virus. The voices were arguing with _themselves_ and she couldn’t keep up with the echoes. Her eyes betrayed her inner turmoil.

“Finally,” L’s strong voice continued confidently as if his words were the finishing blow in a battle, “You hate me because I hurt you. Fine. I get it. But who gave you those bruises on your neck, Misa?”

Misa’s eyes flashed red, complemented by a sickening smile that had leapt onto her face in an instant. She took quick, wide strides towards L, both hands on the hammer, thinking _That’s it_ _that’s it_ _ **THAT’S IT!**_ _I’ll smash your fucking skull in, you_ _smug_ _little –_

L sensed her murderous intent, but he did not break eye contact. “Tell me! Who made you come in here muttering to yourself like a mad---”

Suddenly, the door slammed open and L yelped as electric pulses were delivered into his neck.

Light stood tall in the doorway, his hand on the remote control. He assessed the situation in an instant and shot an infuriated look at Misa.

Misa’s smile dropped instantly. Her heart felt as if it was being constricted by a cold vice grip. She let the weapon fall to the floor with a clatter and looked down in shame.

Light released the button. His voice was quiet and level, but its presence commanded their attention immediately.

“I think that’s quite enough. From both of you.”

* * *

* * *

_What the hell’s going on?_

_Someone tell me please_

_Why I’m switching faster than the_

_channels on TV_

_I’m black, then I’m white_

_No! Something isn’t right!_

_My enemy’s invisible_

_I don’t know how to fight_

_The trembling fear_

_Is more than I can take_

_When I’m up against_

_The echo in the mirror._

_The echo in the mirror._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song lyrics at the end are “Echo.” Credit goes to the Youtuber by the name of Crusher. Here is a link to the song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQKGUgOfD8U 
> 
> I think I might start giving previews for the next chapter, because I have usually started working on the next one by the time I post one. :) In the next chapter, Light tends to L’s wounds and they have a conversation. Here’s a teaser:
> 
> “L realized that he wasn’t sure how long he’d been staring, his eyes enraptured by the thing of beauty in this place of horror. Light’s innocent appearance (bright as the sun) and gentle voice (soothing as sweets) gave L butterflies and made him feel as if he could think of nothing else.
> 
> ...And he despised it.”


	10. Truths and Lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light watches L and Misa’s interaction with regret and morbid interest. He then tends to L’s wounds. Excited to speak openly with L for the first time, he explains how the memory loss plan worked and talks about himself. Then he prods at L’s mind, seeking weakness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is mostly dialogue and introspective character analysis with little nuggets of Light x L teasing. And of course, torturing L (this time, psychologically). I really wanted to write some in-depth L & Light dialogue.
> 
> In this chapter I take some creative liberties with my interpretation of our two bois, fleshing out their personalities and backstories a little bit.
> 
> btw… If there’s anyone with medical training who is reading my story: Sorry in advance for how cringey you might find any of my chapters where I describe L’s wounds getting treated. It’s probably abundantly clear that I don’t know shit about the human body and how injuries are healed. i’m just like, hmm, uhh, first aid kit’ll do the job right?
> 
> Another random note about this chapter: I’ve been to Japan and let me tell you, grocery store onigiri is god-tier. Hell, even from the convenience store it’s fucking good. L is a little brat who doesn’t appreciate it enough.
> 
> Sorry for the rambling author’s note. This is another chapter that became much longer than I expected!

After releasing himself onto Misa’s face to sweet mental images of his eventual dominion over L and the world, Light felt like nothing could go wrong. In his post-orgasmic high, he had carelessly told Misa, essentially, to go crazy and do whatever she wanted to L.

Now, watching Misa laugh like an absolute psychopath and haphazardly break L’s bones, Light cringed with regret. He remembered why he had always been hesitant to allow himself to indulge in sex. Just like a drug, it clouded one’s judgment. He really should have known that Misa would need some... ‘controls’ in place before he could let her off leash. _I_ _need_ _to improve L’s restraints and give her some_ _safer_ _tools before I leave for the week,_ he thought.

But much like witnessing a car accident, he just couldn’t look away from the camera. At first, he was endlessly amused by L’s effortless ability to dodge Misa’s clumsy blows, despite his abundant disadvantages. And then when L had the balls to criticize Misa’s ‘accuracy,’ tripped her, and then continued to mock her, he burst into laughter that he couldn’t stop! He momentarily felt that he understood Ryuk.

But at the same time, he felt some unease, some concern for L. A broken bone or two was alright; L would heal. But the problem was that Misa behaved chaotically, with no plan for her actions, so he was never sure what she was going to do next. When she slammed his precious _head_ into the floor, he panicked and his hand moved to the button to turn on the intercom so he could speak up and stop her.

But then… Something _interesting_ happened. L actually begged for her to stop.

Light’s eyes widened and he leaned in closer to the computer screen, turning up the volume on his headphones. He was _fascinated:_ In only a few minutes with him, she had already gotten L to that point? He also noted that Misa appeared to be almost as pleased by his submission as he was. He couldn’t suppress the intrigued smirk as he witnessed the girl’s happiness at having L pinned underneath her. Just like that night in their apartment when he had first realized the depths of her hatred for L, he felt a twinge of connection with the unpredictable girl – though he’d loathe to admit it.

Of course, L hadn’t truly given up, and so Light felt comfortable to enjoy the show as his captive successfully fought back. Light was engrossed in their conversation, and noted that they were talking about his and Misa’s confinement. He did not miss Misa’s odd comments along the lines of _“_ _You didn’t stop”_ and _“You liked it,”_ as well as her quick glance at the camera and her pointed whispering.

 _Hm. There must be something about her imprisonment that I don’t know,_ lingered this thought in the back of Light’s mind.

But when _**L**_ turned the conversation towards Light, he stood up in alarm. Light could predict exactly what L was going to say next. He would point out the obvious parallels between the two of them and turn Misa against him. The signal of the remote control for the shock collar didn’t penetrate the walls of the bunker. And it’s not as if L would stop talking if he told him to over the intercom. Momentarily frozen, he stood there continuing to listen, until L looked at the camera and addressed him directly. That was the last straw. He ran towards the bunker to take control of the situation.

* * *

“I think that’s quite enough. From both of you.”

Two pairs of eyes stared at him: One, wide with fear and regret; the other, narrow with unsurprised irritation.

“Misa, leave us. I’ll talk to you later. You’ve done enough for now. I need to have a word with him alone,” Light said calmly.

Misa whimpered, “Light, I- I’m sorry, I wasn’t really --”

“ **I said leave!”** Light snapped, “Goddammit, will you _ever_ learn to listen to me?!”

Fighting back tears, Misa ran out of the room without another word. L’s eyes followed her out, observing her small, submissive voice and immediate retreat. He could scarcely believe that that she was the same person who had just attacked him like a monster and mocked his pain.

Light sighed, rubbed the bridge of his nose, muttered _stupid bitch_ to himself, and walked towards a switch on the wall. He pressed a button, which caused the camera to beep and its red light to shut off.

L deduced easily that this meant that Misa was prone to watching them, just like Light was. _I suppose they have that in common,_ he thought. And for now, Light presumably wanted privacy.

“What poor timing. You interrupted such a nice conversation,” L said in his signature sarcastic drawl.

L knew very well that Light knew that he was attempting to poison Misa’s mind against Light. So of course he expected him to come and interrupt. Honestly, he was amazed he had been able to go as far as he had.

A near-imperceptible smile and exhale through his nose was the only acknowledgment Light gave to L’s “joke.” He approached the beaten prisoner and knelt before him, examining his injuries. L was in bad shape. His forehead was black and blue with bruises, the color darkening around the center where the skin had split from the double impact with the concrete floor. Thick blood coagulated around the cut in his forehead, and the blood had trickled down to the tip of his nose. Purple bruises also ran across his chin and the right side of his jaw. His lips were puffy, inflamed with broken blood vessels. And his neck was marked by the bruised imprint of the chain. Light gingerly touched L’s shoulder and the man inhaled sharply.

Light silently stood up to go into the bathroom, returning a moment later with a bag. He sat on the floor and opened the bag. It was full of medical supplies.

Light finally responded to L’s quip that was still hanging in the air, “Very funny, L. I know what you were up to. And I think you knew that.”

L smiled mischievously, which looked rather monstrous on his discolored and bloodied face. “ _Do_ you know what I’m up to..?”

“Yeah,” Light snorted. He retrieved a syringe and a pair of disposable gloves from the bag. “It’s obvious. You’re trying to turn Misa against me. What, make her kill me or something? It won’t work. She’s hopelessly obsessed with me. She’d kill herself before she would kill me.”

L blinked slowly. _God, even my eyes hurt._ For the moment, he was rather tired of thinking of what would be the most advantageous thing to say, or of spinning the potentialities of how Light might respond if L said _this_ or _that..._. He just wanted to have a conversation to distract himself from the unceasing pain in his body, especially his head.

So he asked what he had been wondering. “But what I don’t understand, Light, is why she is so devoted to you _now_ when… Well, frankly, back when we were working together, she seemed to hate your guts. Yours and mine both. I mean, she wouldn’t even help us with the investigation.”

“Well that’s because she didn’t rememb--” Light paused for a beat and then grinned in realization. “Ah, of course! You don’t know about –“ He uncharacteristically clapped his hand to his forehead and laughed with joy. “Oh, this is so nice, L! I get to tell you about all of my plans, and all about how I evaded your grasp. I can explain everything! I can’t… Oh, L. I can’t tell you how happy I am that I don’t have to lie to you anymore...”

L was immeasurably unsettled. He believed that he was witnessing, perhaps for the first time _ever,_ a smile and a laugh from Light that was both genuine _and_ not borne out of cruelty. He was caught off guard; he didn’t think Kira was capable of such expression.

But the main reason he was disturbed was not because of how unusual Kira’s behavior was, but rather because of his own physical response:

His heart skipped a beat, and the thought unwittingly crept into his mind that Light was beautiful when he glowed like that.

L swallowed thickly, reminding himself who he was talking to: the person who put him here! He droned dryly, “Oh, wonderful. I get the privilege of listening to Kira monologue about his master plan. Please, _do_ go on.”

Light’s pure, sparkling laugh made L’s unwilling heart ache. _“_ _L~_ Come on! Don’t pretend you aren’t curious!”

L repressed his fluttering emotions. He gave a steely glare.

Light smiled fondly – _kindly –_ at L and spoke gently. “I get it. You don’t want to admit that you want to know. You’re still very sore about losing. You’ll feel better eventually, I’m sure of it. Well, there is one thing I should take care of first….”

Light snapped the latex gloves onto his hands. He filled the syringe that he was holding with some liquid and pushed the plunger to squeeze the air out until a drop of the solution emerged. L’s expression was apprehensive. Answering his unspoken question, Light explained, “It’s a fast-acting painkiller. Do you want it?”

L’s body forced him to nod before his stubbornness could stop him.

“Now,” Light held the needle against L’s skin. “I do want to explain everything to you and so I will…..”

* * *

Some time passed while Light tended to L. The painkillers made L feel calm ( _docile,_ as Light would put it), but still lucid. Light cut L’s shirt off with a pair of scissors, fastened a sling for his shoulder, cleaned and bandaged his forehead, and set his broken toe with a splint. L then received a bathroom break, and he was silently grateful for the unexpected privacy that Light provided him. It was certainly an improvement over the empty gazes of those mindless puppets that he had endured for two weeks. He supposed that Light really had no reason to watch him, given his damaged and beaten body, and with the threat of electric shock should he try anything.

When L emerged from the small bathroom, Light re-attached him to the wall. He then left for a few minutes, returning with his arms full of assorted onigiri, a bottle of water, and antibiotic pills.

Light sat down on the floor in front of L and unwrapped the tuna onigiri. L’s nose scrunched slightly at the fishy scent, but he accepted the food. Light fed L tenderly, minding the many sensitive bruises on his face. At first, he had held the rice ball up to L’s mouth, but he winced in sympathy pains when he saw how much it hurt L to open his mouth wide enough to take a bite. To make it easier, Light broke off tiny pieces and inserted them into L’s mouth. L felt humiliated, but he had no choice. He took some small comfort in remembering that the cameras were off, so at least _she_ couldn’t be watching and getting off on his pitiful state.

Light smiled warmly at how well his precious pet behaved when he needed him. _And the feeling of his tongue on my fingers…_ _I wonder what else your tongue can do_ _…_ He recalled L’s skill at tying cherry stems and his eyes freely moved over L’s shirtless body – the defined abs, the sharp angles.

Throughout this process of Light dressing L’s wounds and feeding him, L had been listening with rapt attention as Light talked.

Light explained (in self-indulgent, painstaking detail) everything about the memory loss gambit: The hiding place in the woods, the notebook swap, the passphrase for Ryuk, the hidden compartment in his watch, the presumption that Misa would relinquish her memory too and that Rem would kill for her, and the kicker: The knowledge that he himself, Light Yagami, would inevitably catch ‘Kira’ while working with the world’s greatest detective. L really _was_ curious; he couldn’t help it. He hung on every word in dumbstruck amazement at how Kira’s convoluted plan had executed perfectly.

Undeniably it was astounding. L went into this investigation prepared to anticipate how Kira would use any and all pawns at his disposal. He anticipated his moves like they were playing a massive game of chess, and he did a damned good job! But how could he _ever_ have anticipated that Kira would use _… himself?_ The king piece on a chessboard wasn’t supposed to be able to fracture itself into two personalities, one manipulating the other.

“That’s… Cheating,” L said, quietly completing his own thought, just a little groggy from the painkillers.

“No, it’s brilliant!” Light laughed.

“I… That’s insane. _You’re_ insane,” L said, his mind reeling.

“Again, not the term I would use.” He took a large bite out of his own onigiri, having finished his story.

L was in disbelief. “You – No, you – You’re a psychopath. I’m even more sure of that than I was before. A normal person would have touched the notebook in that helicopter and been **horrified!** You should have been disgusted with yourself when you suddenly remembered your crimes, when you suddenly remembered that _you_ were the monster you’ve been searching for the entire time. I can’t imagine what that must have felt like. You should have been distressed… Wait, that explains why you screamed!”

Light sighed. “Yes, I admit that for a brief moment I was – how can I put it – perturbed. Having a massive chunk of your memory removed and then abruptly returned is a very jarring experience. It is uncomfortable, like your mind is rearranging itself. But.. Horrified? Disgusted? No. I’ve done nothing wrong, so why would I feel that way? I was just pleased with myself that everything went according to plan. I still am!” he said with a grin.

L most certainly took issue with Light asserting that he had done nothing wrong, but there was something more pressing that absolutely baffled him.

L inquired, “But… Alright, I can somewhat understand how you became Kira in the first place. I can’t relate, but I can logically understand it. You would have found that notebook, you had childish righteous ideals, and you were slowly corrupted by the Death Note. Power corrupts and so on – It’s a tale as old as time. But you…” L shook his head. “How could you have become Kira _again?!_ After you had lived as a detective who was _genuinely_ hunting Kira for 3 months!! All this time, I thought it was just an incredibly convincing performance, but now you’re telling me that it was **real??** You weren’t like Misa, who always liked Kira. You truly wanted to catch Kira; you really believed he was unjust! How did you just drop that part of yourself like it never existed?!”

 _How did you abandon the part of yourself that was actually my friend?_ L thought, feeling betrayed.

Light pondered that for a minute, as if he hadn’t really given it much consideration. He rubbed his eyes and rested his chin in his hand. Slowly, he responded with marked hesitation, “I guess…. Because that part of myself was never real to begin with?”

“...What do you mean?” L’s eyes widened.

“Hm… How do I put this…?” Light sat cross-legged on the concrete and stared at the floor, deep in thought. Something caught his eye and his expression turned to mild disgust. He stood up and retrieved the soft cushion that still sat in the corner of the room from when L had tossed it earlier. He dropped it on the floor in front of L and sat on it cross-legged.

He flashed a sneer at L, “You may be alright with sitting on this dirty hard floor for weeks on end, but I find it quite uncomfortable.”

 _I most certainly am not alright with it, and you know that. Why are you stalling?_ L stared with his unblinking eyes.

“Anyway…” Light put his hands behind him on the cushion and leaned back, looking up at the ceiling.

“It’s a bit hard to describe. You see… I never…. Before I found the Death Note I never really felt… _real._ Do you know what I mean?” His eyes nervously shifted down to L’s, seeking some sort of validation.

L did not provide any such thing. His expression was blank, inscrutable, and unchanged. “I’m not sure I know what you mean, no.”

Light looked away with a frown and thought to himself _Why am I telling him this?_

Nonetheless, he continued. “What I mean is… It’s like there was always something missing. Some hole inside me. I sort of just went through the motions of life in the way that I knew I was supposed to. I acted sad when bad things happened, happy when good things happened. I got good grades. I made my parents proud. I helped my little sister. I made friends. I even went on a couple of dates with girls. But it was all… False. I never really _felt_ much of anything, for anything or any **one**.”

 _Big deal. So you were just another depressed, self-centered teenager,_ L thought to himself.

“But when I found the Death Note, everything changed!” Light’s body sat up straight and his face lit up. “When I started writing names --”

“-- When you started murdering people,” L swiftly corrected.

Light rolled his eyes in exasperation, “When I began _changing the world,_ for the first time in my live, I felt… **alive.** I felt happy! Suddenly, I knew who I was. I knew what I _wanted._ I finally had a purpose that I cared about!” Light held his arms to his side with an exuberant spark in his eye.

But then, Light scrunched slightly in embarrassment. “It was like… I know this sounds a bit strange. Maybe even crazy. But the best way I can describe it is that before, the world was in black and white, but now, it’s in color.”

 _Is it a mixed metaphor to say you still see the world in black and white? _L mused, thinking about his literature lessons at the orphanage.

Light was filled with an unfamiliar thrill to be opening up to someone for the first time in his life. He overcame the discomfort and spoke eagerly. “But after I lost my memories, I reverted to my personality before I found the notebook. That means that I wasn’t helping you catch Kira because I felt he was evil. Like I said, I never really _felt._ I _said_ that he was evil, because I thought that I was supposed to. I knew that’s what everyone would expect of me. But did I actually believe that? Not really.”

L responded, “So you’re saying you actually did agree with Kira when you didn’t have memories of being him? I suppose that isn’t surpri-”

“No, no, no. That’s not what I said. I didn’t think he was _good_ either. I had no opinion; I was basically neutral. That’s just how I felt all the time before I was Kira: Grey. Formless. Just – whatever empty image the people around me wanted me to be.”

L chewed on his lip, his substitute for his thumb. But he winced as the pain reminded him of his busted jaw and lips. “I see. I think I understand where you’re going with this,” he said.

“Yes. This was a very roundabout way of answering your question, L,” Light said with a chuckle. “But my point is this: When I got my memories back _…_ When I became _me_ again... I was able to – as you put it – I was able to ‘drop that part of myself like it never existed’ because that part of me **didn’t** exist. Not really. The only part of me that’s ever been real is Kira. Does that make sense?”

L stared at Light in fascination and slowly nodded. “Yes. That makes sense.” _I hereby amend my previous diagnosis: Before finding the Death Note, you were a depressed, self-centered sociopath. The only thing that cursed object changed about you is it made you happy. Great. _

“But...” Light fiddled with his hands and looked down shyly.

Feathery strands of his hair fell in front of his eyes and he pushed them away.

“Um… I remember I told you once back then that I really enjoyed working with you. That… was real,” he said quietly, still avoiding eye contact.

The fluorescent light flickered. Light blushed. Or was it a trick of the light?

“Thanks for listening to me. I’ve never spoken to anyone like this.” He spoke in the sort of soft tone that a close friend might use after a long night of revealing tender secrets.

...

Light graced L with another smile

It was that lovely, warm, genuine smile

that had no place on the face of a person so vile

...

L blinked.

L realized that he wasn’t sure how long he’d been staring, his eyes enraptured at the thing of beauty in this place of horror. Light’s innocent appearance ( _bright as the sun_ ) and gentle voice ( _soothing as sweets_ ) gave L butterflies and made him feel as if he could think of nothing else.

...And he despised it.

He hated Kira. He hated Light. ( _Don’t I? Yes!_ _)_ Surely, these physical sensations were just leftover from how he **used** to feel.

And so, unconsciously he had to rationalize Light’s actions as something more sinister. It was the only way he could rid himself of these abhorrent feelings.

Therefore he told himself to be disgusted at this show of vulnerability. Yes, surely that had to be what it was: A show, a performance. Kira had an ulterior motive for everything he did. _He’s trying to get me to drop my guard. To make me feel comfortable with him. To make me think, oh, he does have a heart!_ _To what end, I do not know, but_ _i_ _t won’t work._

“ **Stop!** **Stop** **acting like that!”** L suddenly exploded with vitriol.

Light was taken aback. He was truly hurt and his face showed it, but L was convinced it was just another lie.

“Acting… Like what?” Light asked defensively.

“Like you have a soul!” L screamed, his voice cracking and his eyes wide and full of burning hatred. “Like there’s any goddamn depth to you, as if you were anything more than a monster! You’re full of shitand I know it!”

Light inhaled sharply. His stomach flipped. His face twitched. Internally, his mind put up the fortified walls that he had temporarily lowered just for L. _Stupid,_ he thought.

Light wouldn’t let him get away with this. He stood up, towering above L. The two of them stared at each other, both pairs of eyes burning with unbridled disdain. Light’s vision spun with rage, and his thoughts spun searching aimlessly for a way to hurt L where it really, really counted, because apparently the physical wounds hadn’t been enough. For Light, it was the only way to prevent his own hurt from getting to him.

Suddenly, Light looked away with a smirk. He had an inkling of an idea. _If I’m correct in my guess that L harbors some feelings for me, then surely he would feel ashamed now that he knows I’m Kira. Hah. He thinks he can make Misa hate me? I’ll twist a knife into his mind and make him hate **himself.** _

Light sighed. He placed a hand upon on his hip and ran the other hand through his auburn hair in an affected gesture of confidence. “I’m sorry L. I suppose I got off topic, didn’t I?”

L squinted in suspicion at his sudden change in mood. Normally, he would be able to remember what the hours-old ‘topic’ was that Light was referring to, but the painkillers and head injury slightly muddled his thought process.

Light held his hands behind his back and spoke slowly, calculatingly. “If I recall correctly… I started telling you about the memory loss trick because you asked me why Misa is helping me now. It’s true, she was quite unpleasant to us both when she did not have her memories. But--”

L groaned, “Oh stop, you don’t have to spell it out for me. She became loyal to you again because she remembered that you are Kira. She had forgotten. It’s not that difficult to figure out. If you’re just going to ramble about obvious things because you can’t get enough of your own voice, just leave.”

Light sneered, his eyes glittering with cruel amusement that L was playing along just like he’d hoped he would.

And in a twisted way, L was comforted. This face was easier to hate.

Kira said, “Of course, _my L._ I should have--”

“I’m not **yours.”** L interjected.

“I should have known you’d have put that together,” spoke Light over L’s interruption.

And then, Light knelt down to eye level and locked L’s eyes with a gaze so intense that it was almost smoldering.

“Because… Perhaps you can empathize.” Light leaned in close. “You know better than anyone else that for some people, Kira has a certain …. _allure.”_ His voice was low and husky, dripping into L’s ears like hot syrup.

L swallowed. He felt those unwanted sensations again that he didn’t understand – his stomach tightening, the vague tingling in his abdomen, his head feeling like it was spinning in a thick soup. _But maybe that’s just the head injury this time, yes that’s it,_ L told himself.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said L, his voice smaller than he had intended.

Light smirked. He had seen L’s eyes widen ever-so-imperceptibly with his last statement. “Really? Hmm,” he purred, “You know L, I’ve been thinking about what you said to me earlier today. About my – oh what was the crude way you put it – my ‘homosexual feelings,’” he said with a scoff.

“Oh, is this your love confession? I’m so flattered I might blush,” L mumbled, exhausted.

Light sat down on the pillow again. He put his hands in his lap and leaned towards L invitingly. “Well, the truth is... I did feel we had a certain… Connection. When we were handcuffed together all that time, challenging our minds and working together towards a common goal. I told you I enjoyed it, and I’ve told you that wasn’t a lie. But I admit. I felt _something._ Something maybe a bit more than friendly camaraderie. My question for you is… Did you feel it too?”

He had softened his smile and his voice, but in such a way that L thought seemed much more fake than earlier.

 _Even if I did love you back then, that was you as **Light.** That’s not the creature I’m looking at now, no matter how hard you try to act like him, _L thought. Regardless, he suspected that if he answered honestly, Kira would find a way to use it against him somehow.

So – he spat in Light’s face. “No, Kira. I never liked you and I never will,” he lied.

Light recoiled, and his kind veneer collapsed immediately into a scowl. He picked up L’s shirt which he had cut off his body earlier and used it to wipe the saliva off of his face. He noted that there was blood in L’s spit. He shuddered.

“You’re disgusting!” Light whined before running off to the bathroom to clean his face.

L listened to the running water and smiled, satisfied with himself. _Pansy_ _little germaphobe._

Light returned and snarled at L, “It’s my turn to call you a liar, L. You’re lying but you won’t be able to keep it up forever.”

“On the contrary, I think I can,” L said, that frustrating coy smile still lingering.

Light shouted back heatedly, his temper rising, “But before I even lost my memories, you told me that you thought of me as a **friend!!** I remember it so clearly; I thought about it all fucking night after you said it. You said, ‘I think Light-kun is my first-ever friend!’ I heard it repeat in my mind over and over and I couldn’t even sleep--”

“That was a lie,” L replied coldly, “You were my prime suspect. As you were a young, impressionable 18-year-old, I thought I could get you to drop your guard by calling you a friend. I was trying to manipulate you.”

This was the truth. It wasn’t until he began co-habitating with (the apparently amnesiac) Light that L had begun thinking of Light as a friend. His statement back then really was a lie. At the time, he didn’t think it would be possible for him to befriend anyone. He was just trying to mess with the boy’s head. _Just my luck. I_ _**did**_ _get in his head, but_ _far_ _too effectively,_ L thought.

Light exhaled, suppressing his rage. He paced back and forth. He sensed that it was getting late, but after L’s words stung him _again,_ he wasn’t content to leave him like this. He couldn’t stand to allow L to feel so… so infuriatingly _confident_ in himself. Not after L had hurt him first. He needed to leave L feeling uncertain, afraid, flustered, anxious, hopeless, _somethin_ _g, anything_ that would reassure Light that he had power over him.

Time seemed to stop as Light’s mind turned. He recalled his early days as Kira, when he spent every waking moment thinking about what the people hunting him would do next and acting against that. He played L’s grand, dangerous game of chess brilliantly. And how did he do it? By putting himself in their shoes. By imagining what a person would rationally do, given the limited information they knew. He just needed to get back into that headspace.

He thought back to what he’d observed on the camera between L and Misa: the fact that something happened between the two of them that he didn’t know about. He’d never bothered to give any thought to Misa in regards to their confinement, but maybe it was time to now.

_Let’s see. If I was L and I had apprehended my top suspect for the Second Kira… A person who, as far as I know, can kill spontaneously, potentially in plain sight, **only** by knowing a person’s face… And she had seen my face… What would I do? _

Light’s mind put it together in an instant. He was mildly annoyed; it was like one of those riddles where once you heard the answer, you cursed at how simple and obvious the answer was.

… _.Oh. You did something fucked up, didn’t you L?_

\----

Head angled towards the ceiling, Light’s probing eyes flicked down towards L. The fluorescent lights caught his eyes at just the right angle and they seemed to glow.

“There’s something else I’m beginning to suspect you’ve lied to me about,” Light said.

L sighed, “We’ve talked enough. I’m getting tired. Won’t you leave me alone so I can sleep?”

“I’ll leave when I damn well please,” was Light’s sharp reply. “Tell me, L, why does hurting you excite Misa so much?”

“We discussed that earlier today. Or was it yesterday? I don’t know anymore. Anyway, I’m not interested in repeating myself.” L mumbled.

“Hmm. You know, your ‘jealousy’ theory made a lot of sense. It did. But after witnessing your little _dance…_ I’m starting to think you made up that explanation.” Light chuckled as another realization came to him. “That’s very clever, L. You were trying to get into _my_ head, weren’t you? Tsk, tsk.”

L’s blood went cold. Light had seen through that plan so quickly. _It’s alright, I still have a chance to make Misa hate him,_ _and that_ _actually_ _might not be too difficult_ _,_ L reassured himself.

Light continued, “I’m so curious. What exactly did you _do_ to her during those 2 months of confinement?”

L angled his head to eye Light with suspicion, “What makes you think it was any different from your experience?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Light shrugged, “Maybe because you had deduced that she, unlike me, could kill with only your face. And she’d seen your face. I’ll bet that scared you. I bet you would have done **anything** to prevent her from taking action. How interesting: You had no idea how we killed back then. How far would you have gone to protect your own life…?”

L swallowed. He felt no need to respond.

“I can hardly imagine. As far as you knew, the power of Kira could have been an action that she performed with her body. Or perhaps with her eyes. Or maybe you thought she needed to say some...” he snorted, “magic words? You didn’t know any better. So, knowing how you operate, I’ll bet you would have prevented her from doing… absolutely anything. You’d even go so far as to completely restrict all bodily movement, day and night. For over 50 days. Am I on the right track?” There was a judgmental air to Light’s voice.

“…Maybe I did. So what?” L admitted ambiguously. He looked at the floor.

“So…. It’s a bit hypocritical for you to criticize my actions,” Light said with a wide smile.

“What?! What are you talking about? I am not a murderer!” L retorted, his eyes snapping to Light.

“You’re not. But I wonder if you could have been? You’re not entirely innocent, are you? I’ve read about your previous work. You’re the sort of detective who’d do anything to catch your perp. Before these events with Misa, you had already baited _me_ into killing that criminal on live television. So who’s to say that in 5 years or so, your moral compass wouldn’t have degraded even further until you’d justify killing others in the service of justice?”

Like a charismatic politician, Light’s words were smooth, persistent, and self-assured, wriggling into L’s mind like a snake.

Indeed, L thought back to all of the unsavory things he’d ever done in pursuit of the capture of a criminal. Torturing Misa Amane was by far the **most** morally questionable thing he’d done so far in his career. It shocked even himself. The Task Force had been appalled and tried to get him to find another way… But he had to admit that it was not the first time he’d crossed a line. _“_ _It has to be done,”_ was something he’d told himself several times in his career. As a private investigator, he was relatively free of accountability as long as no one could prove that he’d committed a crime. He performed surveillance on people without obtaining the proper warrants, he’d committed entrapment a couple of times, and he had collaborated with ‘lesser’ criminals in order to capture more serious offenders.

The outward appearance that he projected was that of an aloof detective who simply wanted to solve cases out of “boredom.” There was surely truth in this; L only took cases that interested him. But that didn’t mean that he didn’t also care about justice, about doing the right thing.

And so, part of the reason for his chronic insomnia was that sometimes when he attempted to sleep, his past actions would replay in his mind, tormenting him with guilt and regret. To keep the self-hatred at bay, he would stay up all night working to distract himself. _Working in criminal justic_ _e_ _isn’t for the faint of heart,_ he would tell himself while alone with his thoughts late at night, _this is just part of the job; it’s what has to be done;_ _it’s up to you to get these monsters off the streets;_ _you’re not a child anymore;_ _don’t be naiive_ _\--_

 _No, stop this!_ L pulled himself out of his memories and back to the present moment. _Kira is clearly trying to rattle me. I must stay firm in my beliefs. I am good. I am just._

L spoke up for himself, firmly rationalizing his actions, “I interrogated Amane-san, and I took measures to ensure my and others’ safety. I did nothing wrong.”

“Ah, L. Think back to our little cat and mouse game,” Light held his arms to his side in a bizarrely welcoming gesture, “The entire world is just a series of cause and effect, isn’t it? You make a move; I make a move. A person murders another; I eliminate them. You torture a woman; that woman tortures you.”

“Hold on, who said anything about torturing?” L said indignantly.

Light smirked. L was getting defensive. Good.

“All I’m saying is I think you understand me better than you’re willing to admit. We’re similar in some ways,” Light said earnestly.

“ **...No.”** L saw where Light’s disturbing line of reasoning was going (it was quite similar to the point that he himself was making to Misa, but twisted in the opposite direction). He was helpless to stop it.

Light reveled in L’s growing mental unease. His eyes looked hungry, as if they were staring down at a delicious feast.

To drive his point home, he would say something about himself that he didn’t entirely believe, but it was for the greater good: “Just as you don’t like using the word _torture,_ I don’t like using the word _murder._ ‘Interrogate.’ ‘Eliminate.’ Isn’t it funny how we both lean on euphemisms like a crutch?”

“Shut up Kira, shut up,” L begged.

“Hey, it’s alright. I understand. Really I do. There was a time I felt guilty about my actions, too...”

“I do **not** feel guilty!! I’ve done _nothing_ wrong! I’m. Not. Like. **You!!!** **”** L yelled in his hoarse voice. He felt a tear springing to his eye. He trembled and looked to the floor, hiding behind the curtain of hair that fell into his face.

 _That’s it,_ Light thought with a smug smile, _A guilt complex. Beautiful. I can work with that. I knew there’d be a way to break you, my treasure._

“ _Shh,_ it’s alright,” Light muttered and reached a hand out to gently stroke the back of L’s head, far from the injuries. L tried to shake his head to shove the hand away, but any sudden action with his head caused his split forehead to throb.

“I’ll never, ever judge you. It’s alright. Deep down, I know you are a good boy,” Light whispered tenderly and ran his fingers through L’s thick hair with extraordinary gentleness. He inhaled deeply, savoring the flavors of L’s internal torment.

L breathed heavily, suppressing the urge to scream or cry or both, while the mass-murderer who he failed to capture _(It’s all my fault_ _my fault my fault_ _)_ pet him and whispered sweet nothings.

A moment passed. Light was sated.

He spoke with sweet concern, “Alright… It’s getting late. I’ll be leaving now. Sleep well. You’ve had such a long and difficult day, poor thing. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

He then stood up, switched the cameras back on, and left.

L knew he would not be able to sleep, for now he had a new fault to feel guilty about: Part of him _enjoyed_ Kira’s soft touch, and the whispered reassurances for secret insecurities that the bastard shouldn’t even know about. His tortured mind had leaned into Light’s honey-sweet falsehoods, and his ruined body drank up the gentle physical touch like it was a creamy strawberry shake. L was in such great physical and psychological pain that he had accepted comfort from the very man, the very monster who had caused his suffering!

He collapsed on top of the pillow that Light had forgotten to pick up. He couldn’t hold back any longer. He broke down into howling sobs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is called “Split.” All 4 characters will make an appearance! Here is an excerpt:
> 
> Light wanted to fill the heavy silence that hung over them. It was odd for him to feel uncomfortable with silence from Misa. But he was in the unusual situation of wanting to say something, but being at a loss for what to say. 
> 
> …..
> 
> Who knew that asking your traumatized girlfriend to torture your beloved enemy would be so… awkward?


	11. Split

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light and Misa talk. Well no, they don’t talk, but they come the closest to it that they have so far. L has a nightmare. Light “improves” L’s room and Misa “copes” with the changes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warnings: The aftermath of alcohol abuse. (Honestly, I’d be drinking a lot too if I were her. #relatable) Light also does some subtle gaslighting. And at the very end, Misa's PTSD is triggered and her dissociative identity disorder worsens. 
> 
> Note: I was like, kind of horny writing this chapter, but I didn’t feel that a sex scene fits in the story right now so there’s just teasing here and there. Sorryyyy

Light had entered L’s cell at dusk. By the time he exited, the moon was high in the sky and the winter night air was frigid. He guessed that they had passed around 2 or 3 hours together. He smiled wistfully to himself as he marveled at how time flew when he was with his precious L. And he felt quite proud of himself for finding an angle to psychologically torment him with.

Ryuk intercepted Light at the door entering the house. “Hey Lighto! I’ve been a little out of it but I’m doing good now. What’s the news?”

Light waved his hand at Ryuk dismissively and walked through him. _There is no way I can explain the events of today to a shinigami._ “Nothing interesting, Ryuk.”

“What?? I don’t get it. Why’d you kidnap the guy if he’s not interesting?”

“Oh no. He **is** interesting. Very much so,” Light replied with a grin.

“Then why won’t you tell me what happened? It was your first day with the detective as Kira! Surely that was full of ….” Ryuk stretched his arms out and shook his hands like a stage performer, “... _DRAMA!!”_

Light was unamused.

Ryuk cackled, “It was really cruel of you to let me get apple withdrawal so I couldn’t watch! So now you **have** to give me the recap. The full play-by-play. Come on!”

“Ryuk, please. Not now. Oh my god. I’m exhausted. It’s been a long day. I’m going to bed, ok?”

Ryuk grumbled, “Fine. You humans sleep so much. It’s sooo boring. The worst thing about you. Oh! You might want to check on your girl. She’s acting weird.” With that, Ryuk phased into the ceiling.

Light inwardly cringed at the phrasing _your girl._ He headed towards the bedroom, ready to shower and then pass the fuck out.

… But then he saw what Ryuk meant by _‘she’s acting weird.’_

\--

Misa was unconscious on the living room floor, her limbs sprawled in all directions like a starfish. Next to her were bags of snack food and an empty bottle of wine. No, two empty bottles. One of them hadn’t been quite finished and spilled, staining the carpet red.

Light pulled at his hair in irritation and groaned loudly. He used his foot to push the girl over from her back to her side. In one of his college orientation seminars he’d learned that drunk people could choke on their own vomit if they slept on their back. _Absolutely disgusting._ _W_ _hy do people do this to themselves?_ he thought while he glared down at her with scorn.

Misa stirred with an uncomfortable moan. With great effort, her bleary eyes opened slowly. “...Light….?”

“Oh, you’re alive. Good. I guess,” said Light halfheartedly.

Misa curled up into a fetal position and clutched her stomach. She groaned.

Light sighed, “I’ll get the carpet cleaner. You bought some, didn’t you? It was on the shopping list.”

The drunken heap on the floor just mumbled incoherently. Light let out an _ugh_ and went to go search for the carpet stain remover.

Fortunately, he found it. The exact brand he had requested, no less. In the well-organized linen closet he noticed several other cleaning products: everything that he had instructed her to pick up as well as a few other useful things that he hadn’t thought about. And she _had_ also picked up that onigiri that he’d requested...

 _She’s good at doing the bare minimum, which is following clear instructions. I’ll give her that,_ he thought.

But his complimentary feelings did not last long. He re-entered the living room and… The smell hit him before he saw it: Misa had vomited onto the carpet and then fallen back asleep.

Light had had it. He screamed with anger and threw the roll of paper towels at Misa’s face.

She yelped and sat upright, looking around drowsily. She made a look of disgust when she noticed what was on her face. “Oh, shhhiittt…. I need a … showerrr...”

“No fucking kidding!! What the hell is wrong with you?! Wake up and clean up this mess!” Light yelled, gesticulating with his arms wildly.

Misa’s head swayed from side to side, landing limp resting on her left shoulder. She frowned. She grabbed the roll of paper towels and with what looked like a monumental effort, attempted to throw them back at Light’s head with a _grunt._ But her aim wasn’t even close; the roll landed several feet away from Light, proceeding to roll away and leave a long line of paper towels in its wake.

“WHY don’t… YOU…. Start… with cleaning up. **THIS** MESS??” Misa swung her arm to point dramatically towards herself. The action caused her to lose her balance, collapsing once more onto the floor.

Light brought his hands to his face and screamed with his mouth shut. He lowered his hands and looked at Misa, who was once again drifting off into oblivion. He almost berated her some more, but held his tongue, realizing that it was pointless. She was useless in this state and yelling wouldn’t change that. He resigned himself to cleaning up after her.

_Fuck, I hate her, why am I still putting up with all of this?_

And yet… Now that he’d had that breakthrough with L – her behavior did make a little more sense. Just a little. He had to admit that.

Light knelt on the floor. He began soaking the carpet in the cleaning solution and scrubbing with the paper towels. He couldn’t wait to take a shower...

Light was almost finished cleaning when he heard Misa begin to breathe heavily. He looked over at her, but her eyes were still closed in sleep. Her breathing picked up in pace and intensity. Soon, her mouth was completely agape, gulping huge gasps of air like a fish out of water. Her chest heaved with the effort.

Light wasn’t sure what was happening. _Is she dying?_

But then she spoke.

“ _Rem…_ _Kill me… Please…!”_ in her sleep she spoke completely clearly, her voice breaking in its utter misery.

Light tilted his head in curiosity. He placed his hand upon her head, and her nightmare subsided. Then, he got up, retrieved some towels from the bathroom, and placed them on the couch. He scooped up Misa’s tiny body (with ease, compared to when he’d picked up L to bathe him last night) and placed her onto the couch. He filled a glass of water and placed it on the coffee table.

Light stopped and frowned, questioning why he was doing all of this for a girl he hated. But he shook his head and simply told himself that it was because he had treated her rather roughly earlier today; and it wasn’t that he felt _bad_ about that – _No, of course not, why should a god feel regret for using what belongs to him?_ – He just knew that if he didn’t show her some kindness, she very well might snap and kill him. Taking care of her was simply the practical, self-preserving thing to do.

Of course, that train of thought would break down if he were to give it any further examination. There was nothing to gain from being kind in this situation. Misa was blacked out. She surely wouldn’t remember any of this.

The unacceptable truth was that within the black sea of disgust and disdain that filled Light’s Yagami’s heart, there was a small drop of pity.

* * *

* * *

Light slept heavily for nearly 10 hours. He didn’t normally sleep so long, but he was making up for a sleep deficit followed by a rather long day. His first full day with L had been eventful, that was for sure.

Today was Sunday. He’d have to return to Tokyo tonight to attend classes tomorrow. He was mildly irritated that _the god of the new world_ had to go to college like any other Japanese 18 year old, but it couldn’t be helped. He had to maintain his perfect image to avoid suspicion. And besides, with a college degree and his father’s connections he could probably get a job with the NPA. Kira, a high-ranking member of the national police _and_ masquerading as L? It would be perfect! He would have access to an abundance of privileged information. And perhaps, one day, he’d have the ability to impact legislature and governance and make some real change…

His mind wandered, thinking about what it would **feel** like to be able to control the governments of his world. What would it be like to have the leader of a country in the palm of his hand? He could do _anything he wanted_ – and of course, what God wanted was what the world needed! He imagined holding public office as Kira in a high-rise skyscraper that overlooked the glittering city lights of Tokyo, sitting at a fine mahogany desk and giving orders over the phone to a president or a prime minister. Underneath the desk, Kira’s world-famous prized pet would kneel happily, his face nuzzled into Light’s immaculately tailored pants. L would eagerly await orders to pleasure his master, and Light would give him whispered reassurances, _Soon,_ _my impatient_ _darling, as soon as I’m off the phone –_ or maybe, Light would just let him go at it while he worked? It would certainly be… more efficient that way….

Light felt a stirring in his pants. He put a stop to this train of thought. _No no. Not now. I have far too much to get done today to indulge in fantasy_.

Light got out of bed, got dressed, and turned on his laptop. He’d been thinking that L’s room needed some serious work. He had foolishly thought that simply restraining his arms behind his back and attaching him to the wall would be sufficient. But he had underestimated L; he’d underestimated how crafty and strong and wildhe was! L had managed to dodge Misa repeatedly, and then trip her using only his feet and the limited range of motion that the chain provided him. Furthermore, he’d successfully bitten both of them now!

 _Amazing, L. You’re truly amazing,_ he thought with awe. _But_ _as incredible as you are and as entertaining as it was…_ _I can’t let you do that anymore._ _How will you make any progress if you keep lashing out like this?_ _It is_ _about_ _time to tame you._

Light opened up his laptop on the desk next to the bed, started an anonymized browsing session, and began researching how to improve L’s “accommodations.” After about half an hour, he had sketched the general plan and made himself a shopping list.

_I’ll have to make another stop at that BDSM shop where I got the handcuffs and collar. Hmm. I hope they don’t try to make conversation with me again._

Light opened the bedroom door. He noticed a wonderful smell wafting from the kitchen. He smiled and felt mildly nostalgic. The scent reminded him of his mother’s cooking.

He entered the kitchen to see Misa, freshly showered and changed, hair tied up and sitting at the table eating breakfast. Her eyes were downcast and she did not look at him.

“Good morning,” she said quietly. She nodded towards the dishes set out on the table, covered with bowls to keep them warm. “Um... I made breakfast. There’s coffee too.”

Light was pleasantly surprised. He’d fully expected Misa to be too hungover to do anything. And the food _did_ smell delicious. He poured himself a cup of coffee and sat down. His stomach growled. Misa had made a full breakfast: Pan-fried fish, miso soup with tofu and seaweed, and a perfectly seasoned rice bowl with soy sauce, green onions, and fluffy scrambled eggs.

The two ate in silence. Light closed his eyes, savoring the food and the peaceful winter morning.

\-----

Misa had woken up about 2 hours prior with a pounding headache and parched throat. She spotted the water on the coffee table and was shocked that she’d been lucid enough to pour herself a glass before passing out. She grabbed the glass and downed it in seconds. She collapsed back on her back with a groan, covering her eyes to block out the awful dawn light.

She could not remember falling asleep and she certainly didn’t remember throwing up. But given the smell on her face, she must have.

What did she remember…? She remembered leaving L and running back to into the house overwhelmed with a heady mixture of shame, defiance, fear, hate, regret, anger, confusion – and disappointment that her happy, confident state in the morning had been shattered so easily. She remembered pacing in the bathroom and having a panic attack that seemed like it would never, ever end. She remembered downing a bottle of wine to make herself calm down. Then she remembered eating junk food and watching some simplistic, comforting romantic comedy that was on TV, and then – nothing. Apparently she’d fallen asleep on the couch?

She was immediately hit with the crushing regret that she always felt the morning after blacking out. She felt like throwing up again – either because of the hangover or because of the self-loathing. Who could say?

The overpowering self-deprecation drowned out any anger towards Light that she had felt the night before.

She curled into a fetal position. Her panicked thoughts raced, _Oh no_ _oh no oh shit!_ _What did I do?_ _L was getting in my head last night, maybe I said something stupid to Light?!_ _Did I... Did I make him hate me even more?_ _He_ _already was talking_ _to me like he hated me,_ _like I was nothing to him_ _. And then,_ _oh_ _fuck, even before I got drunk I had already_ _made it worse! I_ _almost lost control and killed L! Oh my god, how could I have done that?!_ _I’m so stupid!_ _What the hell came over me?!_ _No, i_ _t_ _was all_ _L’s fault. He_ _ **provoked**_ _me._ _The idiot has a death wish!!_ _But Light won’t care._ _He likes L more than me so it doesn’t matter_ _what reason I had._

 _Ugh!_ _I’ve got to get control of myself!_

And that is why, even though her head was splitting and waves of nausea came and went, Misa took a long, hot shower and began making breakfast. Maybe it would make him happy. Maybe he would forgive her.

\-----

Light finished his food and looked over at Misa’s full plate. She had been picking at her food listlessly. She’d barely eaten any. He guessed that she was probably still feeling sick. She must have cooked primarily for his benefit.

Light wanted to fill the heavy silence that hung over them. It was odd for him to feel uncomfortable with silence from Misa. But he was in the unusual situation of _wanting_ to say something, but being at a loss for what to say. Last night, he’d wanted to yell at her for nearly giving L permanent brain damage and making a mess of the carpet… But her sad, pathetic state stopped him. And now, it was almost like the timing was off. Sort of like how you can’t punish a dog too long after they misbehave or they won’t understand. And for entirely unrelated reasons, it felt extremely strange to bring up their first intimate contact yesterday.

He was tempted to bring up what he’d discussed with L (the confinement) – it felt like the most natural thing to ask her about, to learn the details of _what_ precisely he’d done to her – but doing that also felt wrong, somehow.

Who knew that asking your traumatized girlfriend to torture your beloved enemy would be so… _awkward?_

Eventually Misa was the one to fill the empty space.

“I made enough for three. Do you want me to bring a plate down to….” she trailed off, her small voice fading away into the cold morning air.

Light’s eyes flitted down to the incredible, damn-near gourmet meal that Misa had carefully prepared for him _and only him._

“No,” was his immediate gut reaction. He felt a vague anger whose source he couldn’t place.

Misa’s eyes widened. She made eye contact with him for the first time today.

Light gave her the briefest flash of a soft smile before dropping it and looking away. “Anyway, the food was very good. _Gochisousama deshita.”_

Misa blushed and giggled slightly at Light’s formality. She was grateful for his good mood, but baffled that he wasn’t angry at her.

“You’re welcome,” was all she said. She got up and began putting away the leftovers and doing the dishes.

Light silently watched her while he finished his coffee. He was truly impressed by how industrious she was being despite what must be a crippling hangover. He had to concede that when she _wasn’t_ an intoxicated mess, she really was useful. She cooked, cleaned, killed, tortured, _was_ tortured – and everything she did, it was **all** for him. She’d even proven to be a satisfactory fucktoy. Maybe one day he’d see a reason to use the rest of her pathetically desperate body. But as of right now, he didn’t really see the point. Her mouth had done the job just fine.

He reflected on how he had felt about her before they met, thinking that the second Kira was a reckless idiot; a liability. And he thought about when they’d first met, when she had showed up at his house dressed in obnoxious, attention-grabbing gothic lolita. After that day, he had eagerly awaited the day when he could kill her. She was annoying, loud, and most problematically: conspicuous. Furthermore, her motivations were shallow; all she wanted was to have Kira as her “boyfriend,” a concept she hadn’t even thought through.

But now? It was all different. She was quiet, she’d quit her stupid idol career, and her desire to harm L was pure and focused.

He finally understood that these changes must have been the result of what L did to her. How convenient. L’s actions had inadvertently made Misa a more tolerable and useful ally. _As if I needed_ _more reasons to be fond of you, L..._

Indeed, Misa’s only real flaws now were her occasional defiance, as well as her highly unrefined, uncivilized approach to tormenting L. (Oh, and the alcoholism; that was irritating) But he started to think that, with time, he might be able to work those imperfections out of her. There was no sense throwing away a tool that was just a little bit broken; wouldn’t that be wasteful? Instead, he would reforge her edges and make her into exactly the weapon that a god deserved.

And thus, he mused on the question _Do I really hate her?_ And with some trepidation, he had to answer _N_ _o._

With a smug, domineering smile he stood up and approached Misa at the kitchen sink, wrapping one arm around her small waist. Although he begrudgingly admitted (only to himself) that he did not hate her… He did not love her either. If Misa snapped one day and killed herself, he would be merely annoyed with the inconvenience. But… For the time being, he did gain some pleasurable, curling satisfaction from _possessing_ her.

Misa’s hands abruptly stopped scrubbing the plate she was holding. She inhaled sharply, her body tensed, and her alert eyes stared straight ahead. The fear was palpable. Light drank it in.

 _T_ _hat’s more like it,_ Light thought, _She’s_ _already showing some improvement._

Like putting on a mask, Light effortlessly slipped into the charming persona that he’d used to reel her in when they first met. “Hey, listen... I know you had a difficult time yesterday, and you’ve got a long week ahead of you. You don’t need to worry about L today. I’ll take care of him. But, I will be quite busy. I’ll need you to kill some criminals for me today, alright, sweetheart?”

Misa’s ears tingled as her mind collapsed into Light’s soft, loving voice. She relaxed and sighed, leaning into his comforting presence. She had thought that she’d sensed some sort of… threatening aura. She thought for sure that her luck had run out; Light’s good mood had ended and he would hurt her just like she expected him to. But that was ridiculous! She must have imagined it. Just a trick of the anxiety. Of course Light cared for her!

She turned her head and smiled up at her Light, eyes shining with gratitude that she had earned his forgiveness.

“Thank you. Yes, I’ll do anything for you. I love you.” Her voice trembled with devotion.

Light’s eyes were empty. He leaned down and gave her a brief, chaste kiss on the lips.

“I know,” he replied.

He turned, smirked, and left the room.

* * *

L woke up and stretched languidly in his bed, in the penthouse suite that he and Light shared in the Kira Task Force headquarters. His mind picked up where it had left off when he had finally slipped away into sleep the night before. He was concocting a plan for how they could manipulate their top suspect, Kyosuke Higuchi, into revealing himself.

He rolled over to tell Light about his idea. But Light wasn’t there. _Hm. Unusual for him to wake up before me._

L moved to get up –

But he could not get off of the bed. _Ah yes, the handcuffs. I forgot._

But no, that wasn’t right. He’s supposed to be handcuffed to Light for the investigation. Not to… What was he handcuffed to?

Disoriented, he looked around and saw that his cuff was attached to the bed frame. _That’s s_ _trange,_ he thought, _I’m supposed to be the one with the key, right?_

“Ready to get up, pet?” L swiveled his head to see Light, suddenly standing beside the bed.

Had he always been there? Why did he have the strange, unshakable feeling that he had been watching him sleep? Wasn’t L the one monitoring him?

Before L could ask why the hell Light had just called him ‘pet,’ L replied in a strange, small voice that was not his own. “Yes master, I am ready to get up.”

The voice came from him, but he did not feel that he had spoken. It was as if he were an outside observer to his own body. He saw himself yawn.

Light chuckled and ruffled his puppy’s messy bedhead, “Sweet, sleepy boy. I think I know how to wake you up.” Light moved his hands to his belt buckle. There was the sound of a zipper.

It was at this point that L noticed that Light’s hands were covered in blood. He wanted to ask him why, but he could not speak.

L looked over to the bedpost, but it was no longer there. What bed? There was no bed. Never was one. He was chained to a concrete wall on a cold hard floor, his shoulder hurt like hell, and a collar around his neck was choking the life out of him.

He coughed. He couldn’t breathe.

He looked back at Light, but it wasn’t him. Never was him. It was a flickering shadowy figure towering impossibly tall above him, with glowing red eyes and a smiling mouth that looked as it if wished to consume him. There was the sound of impossibly deep, satisfied laughter, but the creature’s mouth wasn’t moving.

L wanted to scream. But he had no control over his mouth. It felt as if his mind and body were submerged in tar, and yet, the L who wasn’t L moved. An imposter in his own body.

Helpless, he watched in abject horror as his own face melted into an empty, vapid smile. His traitorous eyes stared up at the monster, shining with bottomless adoration, no, _worship_.

‘L’ licked his lips and opened his mouth wide.

The shade’s bloodied hands grabbed L’s face, leaving a trail of gore on L’s cheeks. It spoke in Light’s sweetly sonorous voice. “Good. That’s my obedient pup...”

* * *

“ **N** **O!”** L wailed at the top of his lungs as he woke up from his nightmare in a cold sweat. He breathed heavily, panting, panicking. He was terrified and horrified and disgusted with himself and –

He had an erection.

“Huh?!” he exclaimed when he looked at the tent in his pants.

L was confused and frightened. He couldn’t remember the last time he experienced spontaneous arousal. It couldn’t be because of that horrible dream, could it? He pressed his face into the cushion that was the only thing separating him from the cold hard floor and screamed, willing the hardness to go away.

 _Wait, when did I get th_ _is damned pillow_ _back?_ _I didn’t ask for it! I don’t_ _**need** _ _it!_

But the fear and pain and revulsion that plagued him forced him to curl up into a ball on the cushion, not wishing to return to the mercilessly cold, hard floor. He berated himself for his weakness, his failure, his... perversion... And he tried in vain to think thoughts that weren’t colored by shame and guilt.

\----

Some time passed.

L heard the steel door opening. He flinched from the noise. But he did not move from his fetal position on the pillow.

Light strode into the room confidently and in good spirits. “Good morning, L! Not that you have any way of knowing, but it is a lovely day today. Rather cold, but not a cloud in the sky.”

L did not respond. When he heard Light’s voice, the images from his dream flooded back to him and his eyes twitched as he willed those abhorrent thoughts to leave him.

Light smiled. “Not feeling talkative, eh? That’s alright. I won’t be here long. Let’s see how that head of yours is doing...”

While cleaning L’s day-old wounds, Light attempted to make conversation. But L avoided eye contact and stayed completely silent. He did his best to keep his expression blank, but Light sensed some sadness behind those large black eyes.

 _That’s a good sign. Maybe he’s starting to realize there’s no escape,_ Light thought with a smirk tugging at his lips. _Unfortunately for you, things will get worse before they get better._

After disinfecting and re-wrapping L’s head and then sending him to the bathroom, Light took out bottles of painkillers and antibiotics and shoved a few pills into L’s mouth, followed by several gulps of water.

“Good job, that’s very good,” Light gently cooed.

L’s stomach churned at those accursed words. He did not react.

Light then unwrapped a protein bar and gently nudged it against L’s bruised, swollen lips. L turned his head away in a silent rejection.

“Hmm? Not hungry, my little Lawliet?”

L thought about his dream again. _I don’t want to eat out of your hand like a dog,_ he thought miserably.

“Well, you’re going to have to eat eventually!” Light stated brightly as he stood up. “Maybe you’ll be up to it later. Well, I need to go out and get a few things now. See you later.”

Light turned to leave. L prepared to kick the cushion away from himself in defiance.

Light stopped at the door. His voice was low. Menacing. “By the way… I’m glad to see you’re using the pillow. You should enjoy everything that you have while it lasts. You never know when something will be taken away.”

L stopped in the act and his brows furrowed in concern. Why did he sound so foreboding?

\-----

Hours later, Light returned. Or as far as L knew, it could have been minutes. Since Light and Misa’s arrival, L ceased to have a regular schedule, and so he no longer had any way to even approximate a sense of time.

Light dragged several large boxes into the room. When he dropped them, they fell to the floor with a loud _thump._ Some of them were as tall as Light himself and L assumed that they must be heavy. Light wiped sweat from his brow from the exertion.

L’s curiosity got the better of him. He broke his silence with the query, “What is all that?”

“You’ll find out,” Light replied with a smirk.

Light approached L and pulled a syringe from his pocket. He had a sinister gleam in his eye.

L was wary. “…That’s not a painkiller, is it?”

Light chuckled, “Well, in a way it is. You won’t feel any pain while you’re unconscious.”

 _Unconscious?! w_ as L’s terrified thought.

“No. No! What are you going to do to me?? What’s in those boxes?!” L tried to poise his body to fight, even though his shoulder, his foot, and his head screamed in painful protest.

“Now now, my L. Don’t struggle. It’s not good for your injuries,” Light said softly.

L growled and his eyes were aflame.

 _Ever so defiant,_ Light thought.

Light sighed, “Here’s another argument for you. You can’t fight me. You lost, remember?”

With that, he reached into his pocket, stepped behind L, and inserted a soft cloth gag into his mouth, swiftly fastening it behind his head.

“No. More. Biting.” Light chastised and gently tapped L’s nose.

Muffled noises of impotent rage came through the gag and L pulled against the chain.

Amused, Light chuckled and grabbed L’s uninjured arm, holding him in place. He found a vein to position the syringe on and injected.

Light stood up, watching in fascination as L drifted away. “Well then. Before I set up your new,” he laughed with a touch of madness, “Your new ‘ _furniture_ ,’ let’s clean you up.”

Light removed the electric collar and uncuffed L’s hands. Although L couldn’t bite him while knocked out, Light decided to leave the gag on anyway. He enjoyed the way it made him look even more helpless.

He removed L’s pants and underwear. Since this was now the second time he’d done this, he was able to do it more quickly. He carefully carried the injured, naked man into the bathroom and lowered him onto the floor. He turned on the bathtub, filling it only a little bit and mixing in some body wash. With L’s injuries, it was too risky to submerge him in water. So, Light just moistened a washcloth in the soapy water and gently scrubbed his unaware prisoner’s body clean.

“Honestly, L, I pamper you. I could very well just let you stew in your filth. You should really be more grateful,” whispered Light hatefully.

After the bath, Light re-attached L to the wall. He began opening the boxes that contained his purchases from today. He got to work.

* * *

* * *

Misa was gently shaken awake from her nap. She rubbed her eyes and her vision adjusted. She looked at the clock. 8pm. _Damn... I_ _wrote a few names_ _after breakfast and then I_ _just_ _slept all day…?_

She heard Light’s voice, “Come on. I need to go back to Tokyo soon. Before I go, I want to show you what I’ve been working on.”

She looked up into Light’s eyes. Whatever he’d done, he looked quite proud of himself.

Misa murmured a sleepy acknowledgement and rolled out of bed. She followed him into the bedroom with some intrigue.

Light booted the camera feed on his laptop, and –

 **no  
** _**that’s  
** _ **wrong**

Rationally she knew that L was the person she was looking at. But where she should see L, her eyes instead showed her…

Herself. Bound in that cursed straightjacket and strapped into that miserable vertical contraption.

She looked away from the image on the screen as nausea bubbled in her stomach.

But then she caught her own reflection in the vanity.

 _Who_ _is that_ _...?_

The mirror showed a person sitting in front of a camera feed. The screen displayed a bound prisoner.

_Am I dreaming right now?_

She buried her face in her hands and dug her fingernails into her scalp so hard that it hurt. She was rapidly losing control of her breathing. Flashbacks grappled her. Images and sounds and _fear_ and _anger_ overwhelmed her.

She felt extremely sick.

...No, she felt…

Elated. Horrified. Fascinated. Disgusted. Unrepentant. Ashamed. Powerless. Powerful.

Her face alternated between the light and the dark as she struggled to reconcile the sight before her with her own feelings.

“Is something wrong?” Light inquired. “I’m sor-- Er, I thought you would... I thought you wanted him to be punished?” He was genuinely perplexed by her reaction.

Misa answered, but only in her own mind.

_Yes, Misa thought she wanted this, but no no no NO, not like this. It’s too much. It reminds Misa too much of –_

_Shut the fuck up!_ The Other’s frantic voice rung in her ears. _Are you kidding me right now??!! This is precisely what we wanted!! For him to suffer exactly as we did!! He wasn’t suffering **enough** before. Don’t you remember thinking that?!_

_Yes, but… Misa isn’t sure about this anymore…_

“Misa, hey...” Light put an arm around her to try to calm her sudden hyperventilating. _Damn. Am I going to need to talk her into this? I didn’t think I’d have to…_

Light suppressed a groan of irritation and came up with a saccharine explanation for what he’d done to L. “Hey, I’m sorry. I should have spoken to you about my plans. But this had to be done. L is too dangerous right now. He’s attacked the both of us; he hurt you.” Light gingerly touched Misa’s wounded ear. “You know that I have to go back to Tokyo tonight until Friday, and I couldn’t leave you alone with him without restraining him. I did this because I’m worried about you, Misa.”

But Misa didn’t even hear Light’s earnest performance. She was too distracted by the argument ongoing in her head: The conflict between panic and rage.

 _ **YOU HAVE TO!!!** _screamed the fury.

 _Misa can’t, she can’t, can’t can’t can’t can’t. She is too weak. Too afraid,_ the terror replied meekly.

_Ugh… Fine... I have an idea. You love Kira, don’t you?_

_Yes. Misa loves Light more than anything…!_

_Good. So you want Kira to be happy, right? You want to give him whatever he wants?_

… _. Y- …. No. No. No. Not if it’s like this_.

_What the hell are you saying? _

_Misa doesn’t like it when Light hurts her! And this… this is exactly how Misa was hurt… This isn’t right!_

The other responded vehemently, _Look at yourself. You are an alcoholic serial killer_ _who_ _talks to herself_ _and has_ _violent_ _mood swings._ _You’re s_ _till lying to yourself about disliking the pain that you deserve._ _Y_ _ou think you_ _should have_ _some sort of_ _pure_ _knight in shining armor?! There is no one else in the world for you_ _but KIRA_ _._ _You have no family, you have no friends,_ _you don’t even have your fucking job anymore._ _So how about_ _this. I’ll ask you a question that_ _your idiocy_ _can comprehend_ _._ _ **Do you want to die alone?**_

 _No!!_ she sobbed, the fear of abandonment overtaking her.

_Good. We can agree on that. I want to live with Kira forever, too... And... You **do** want L to pay for **hurting us.** Don’t you?_

_Well... Misa does want him to get the punishment he deserves. But does it have to be like this?_

_Shhh. It’s ok. Just let **me** handle it. You don’t even have to think about it. And Kira… Kira-sama… stays happy. It’s a win-win. Deal? _

Finally, the fractured mind quieted, matching the silence of the room. Her breathing became steady. A moment passed.

“...Deal,” Misa whispered aloud.

Light blinked in confusion. “...What?”

Misa lowered her hands from her face.

She looked up, into Light’s eyes. An eerie smile slowly spread across her face. It dripped with malice, hatred, and obsession. And yet, it was serene. The resolve in her eyes was unwavering.

Light had witnessed Misa’s excitement at the prospect of harming L before, but this was different. Very different. He couldn’t place why.

Her eyes widened and her pupils dilated.

“ _Don’t worry. I will break him until there’s nothing left. And then he will be yours to remake.”_

Her voice was like ice.

Light’s heart jumped. Before he even knew what he was doing, he grabbed Misa’s face and kissed her with more passion than he ever had before.

Misa returned the kiss, deepening it and pushing her tongue inside Light’s mouth. She moaned. Light tangled his hand in her hair and pulled gently as he pressed his tongue against hers, and she easily yielded.

The two of them opened their eyes. There was a flash of understanding. Both pairs of eyes flicked over to the camera feed to drink in the sight of L’s suffering, together. They kissed each other again.

\----

The image on the laptop displayed L.

He was unconscious, blindfolded, and gagged, strapped to a vertical board that was attached to the wall.

Leather belts held him at his ankles, knees, waist, wrists, elbows, and neck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who are interested in keeping track of the timeline, this is the end of day 17 of L’s imprisonment and the end of day 3 with Light and Misa there. With L being kidnapped just under 1 month after his canonical death day (which was November 5, 2004), that puts this fic currently at Sunday, December 19, 2004. (lol, yes, I pulled up a calendar of the year 2004 to determine which date this particular Sunday would fall on.)
> 
> Damn, 2004. Let's get some flip phones up in here!!!
> 
> Anyways, The next chapter is called “Void." Here’s an excerpt:
> 
> She briefly glanced at the sticky note that Light had put on the fridge. On it was written in his elegant, always-perfect handwriting the schedule that Misa had to stick to. She had insisted that she wouldn’t forget, but he had still written it down.
> 
> Light treated L like a dog that needed a strict schedule to perform his bodily functions. And he treated Misa like a robot that could only follow clear, simple instructions (or perhaps he thought of her like a page in the Death Note).


End file.
